Twins. Hmm.

With the upcoming IVF#2 being the last one our insurance will cover, the discussion of twins has come up.. again.  When we did the 3 IUI's it was something we thought about but wasn't something we could control.  Twins are actually on both sides of our families, my maternal grandmother had twin sisters and hubs paternal grandfather had twin brothers so the chances of us having twins was always on the table.  But now that science has completely taken over my ovaries and uterus we actually can (kind of) control this.

When we were doing IVF#1 we said that we would like to have only one at a time but if twins happened we would be ok with it.  You can't really control if one of the embryos splits when implanted but you can control how many embryos get transferred.  I know someone who had IVF and had 2 embryos transferred... one split and she had triplets (she was at a different clinic).  That, right there, scares the heck out of me.  There is what they call "selective reduction" where they would go in (somehow) and take out one or two (depending on how many are in there).  Once we learned, however, that this isn't performed until the end of the 1st trimester we said no.  Once there is a heartbeat they are babies to us.

What also scares the heck out of me is having two tiny infants at the same time but we'll get back to that in a moment.

Before we started this IVF journey our hospital had us take a mandatory IVF seminar, which I'm so glad they did.  There was a lot about all this I didn't really get or understand and although I still do not know (or understand) all of it, I have a better grasp on the basics.  During the seminar they talked about multiples.  Our practice tries not to have multiples and they outlined reasons that I never knew.  With twins and triplets the risks to mother and babies are very high.  The woman I mentioned above had a very difficult pregnancy where she was hospitalized many times.  Two of her 3 babies were born with cleft pallets and one has other health issues and has had to have a couple surgeries already in his short little life (heart breaking).  I also know a couple women who have had twins (two with IVF and two with IUI) and although their pregnancies were a little tougher because there were two in there the babies seem to be ok (knock on wood). 

But. 
I follow two blogs where BOTH WOMEN lost their twins at 17 weeks (natural pregnancy) and 19.5 weeks (IVF).  I cannot imagine anything more heartbreaking than trying for so long to achieve a pregnancy; seeing that beautiful heartbeat and then watching your miracle(s) grow, making plans for their futures... to then lose them... how do you even recover from that?  Of course I know that women pregnant with just one child have miscarriages all the time (my sister lost 2 angels) but I think because the two women that I was following (and in my head thought we were friends in real life) lost their twin angels... makes me more apprehensive.

So with all that has already been said lets get back to what I mentioned before- having two tiny little humans at the same time.  I haven't done a ton of reading on it but I have seen that it is possible to have a vaginal birth with twins as long as the one on the bottom is in the right position.  I always thought I would give it the ol' college try to push them out the way women have been doing it since the beginning of time.  I'm not opposed to having a c-section though, if that's what my doctor (you know, the one with the medial degree) says I need to do for the health of our baby(s) then that's that.  Caring for two infants while recovering from abdominal surgery though... I cannot imagine is an easy task. 

Then once they're out there are two.  Then we get to take them home.  Alone.  Without a whole hospital staff to help.

I have no doubt that my mother will be here with us - she has already proclaimed that she will be in the delivery room, which truth be told, I'm pretty sure I'm going to want my mommy in there along with the hubster.  I am also sure that she will be there when we get home along with my mother in law who lives very close by (my mom is an hour away - hate it).  So I know we will have help and I know there are a lot of couples all over the world who have twins and figure it out.  I don't know... I just feel like it'll be harder to bond with two at a time but that might just be me being whiney.  Then they, as I've heard, aren't always hungry at the same time and need to be changed at the same time and sleep at the same time... also there's daycare to consider (eek!).

But...
They will be our little miracles, God's gifts finally in our arms.

Something to continue to think about.

The New Math

It's Tuesday.  The day after we found out none of our embryos survived. 

I should be getting ready to go to work but I was awake all night.  I can't turn my brain off but at least I've stopped crying (for now).  I had planned to have this day off because if we had the egg transfer I would have been on bed rest.  I had emailed my boss yesterday briefly letting her know what had happened (she's in the loop because of all the appointments I've had) and that I would be at work on Tuesday.  Last night while I was silently crying, tossing and turning and trying to stop the clock so I could get at least [8 hours...5 hours...3 hours] of sleep I realized that I now had 5 extra days off since I now won't be having a baby in 2013.

My eyes snapped open.  Talk about cold water on my face.  That had me reviewing the math that I had been doing in my head since this cycle started...

If this had worked... day one would have been Feb 4th- the first day of my last period... that means we could have told people at 12 weeks in May, possibly Mother's Day (aww how perfect!) then we could have found out the gender at 5 months in July - maybe my siblings would still have been here visiting?... the baby would be born beginning of December (if full term) and that means he (because in my mind our baby is always a he) would be here for Christmas and would be almost exactly 2 years younger than my friend's son, you know my friend who we planned our weddings together and went off the pill at the same time and had hoped to have our pregnancies together but she got pregnant the first month...

Oh.  I didn't really think about all that. 
The new math:

I'm going to be 35 in a month.  There is no longer a strong possibility I will be pregnant by my 35th birthday.  Depending on what the doctor says next week, if there is some sort of magical medication protocol that will solve all our embryo dying issues, we would potentially start IVF#2 not with my next cycle (beginning of March) but the one after that which would be April. 

April to May, May to June, June to July... July that would be 3 months when we could tell people.  Ok.  2 months later... September, that would be 5 months when we would find out the gender... 5 months later (since you're really pregnant for 10 mos) would be the due date... February.

It's February now.  That would mean one more whole year.

I have no words. 

Yeah, I'm definitely taking today off.  I need a day to wrap my brain around all this and pull myself together to start the next steps... what ever those steps may be...

**to clarify the 5 extra days... when you go out on maternity leave at my company (and maybe at all companies, not sure) you have to use 5 of your vacation days for the first week of FML (Family Medical Leave). 

my worst nightmare.

I woke up to the phone at 9:38 on Monday morning (President's Day so no work but the clinic is open).  It wasn't the nurse as it should have been.  It was our 2 year old niece who just wanted to tell me she loved me (I'm currently her favorite aunt which is the best thing ever).  Her little voice on the phone saying, "I lub you Auntie J" was a beautiful way to wake up.  I told my sister in law I would let her know when we heard from the nurse and hung up.

Hmm.  9:45 and still no call.  They said they'd call by 9:30... I hardly slept on Saturday night or last night because I was so excited.  The least they could do is to call on time...

9:50.  Phone rings.  It's the doctor.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news..."

I wasn't prepared for this.  I wasn't even aware that this was a possibility.  I can't breath.  I have to still be asleep, this has to be a nightmare...this cannot be happening.

None of our embryos survived.  We had 10 and now we have none.  They stopped developing on Sunday morning and by Sunday evening they started to die.

They started to die.  Our 10 chances at a shot at happiness gone.  This has to be a nightmare, this can't really be happening... 

I need to listen, I need to pay attention to what he is saying...

"...it may be your eggs, we do not know why this has happened.  This may be the reason why you have not been able to get pregnant before..."

"...the other specialists and I are going to meet next week to discuss your case.  Maybe a change in medication protocol.  How many more tries does your insurance cover?"

One.

Just one more chance.  Just one more chance to make my biggest wish come true.  Just once more chance to be able to feel something that is part of me and part of my husband growing inside me.  Just one more chance to be the thing that I have always wanted to be... pregnant with a healthy baby.

We laid in bed holding each other while I sobbed for a couple hours.  I felt like my heart was breaking.  My husband finally got up saying he was going to make me breakfast but I couldn't move.  I didn't know how to get out of bed.  I didn't know what to do next.  Everything "next" prior to that phone call had to do with me possibly having a baby growing in my womb within the next few days.  I didn't know what to do now that that isn't happening.  I don't know what to do now that that isn't happening.

I laid there with the covers over my head peeking through the little gap where light (and air) gets in.  I keep saying over and over... this can't be happening, this can't be real, this has to be a nightmare... I try and make myself think of all the positive things in my life... my amazing husband, our home, our pets, our jobs, our health, our family, our friends... trying to put this into perspective.  I'm not doing a very good job.

"Please get out of bed honey, please?"

I have to remember that this isn't just about me.  He is hurting too.  These were his potential chances too...

I put my feet on the floor.

we might have a football team...

Had the egg retrieval yesterday.  Not that bad.  I will be honest, it was a little scary but considering all of the surgeries I've had in my lifetime and while on this journey... and considering what the outcome of this is (a baby!) it wasn't that bad.  It only took like 20 minutes and with the propophol it felt like I took a really great nap.  Haha!  The 20 follicles had 18 eggs, so it was a very good outcome.  Whoomp!!

The nurse just called and out of the 18 eggs obtained, 17 were mature and 10 fertilized.

Whoa... 10.  Embryos.  Ten Embryos.

That doesn't automatically mean 10 babies but it certainly means a good number of possibilities!  Now we wait for Monday morning - at which point the nurse will call again by 9:30 to let us know if we go in that day (3rd day after ER) or Wednesday (5th day after ER) for the transfer.

Did I mention how awesome science is?  The doctors did something called ICIS - I don't remember what it stands for (you can Google if you're so inclined) but what it basically means is that they took my husbands sperm and injected it into my egg.  Usually they just put the egg and the sperm into a petri-dish and let them figure it out but because our insurance only covers 2 IVF cycles our doctor wants to give us the best possible shot.  That whole thing just blows my mind, that they can actually force the sperm to snack on the egg, haha. 

We are elated with this news.  I cannot help but get excited and I cannot help but think that in a few days I will be, in a sense, pregnant since they are going to be transferring a fertilized egg into my uterus.  Hopefully with my lining being as great as it is the little embryo (or embryos) will burrow in there for a nice long 9 mos stay.

Yes, I said embryos.  The thing is is that if they decide on a 3 day post ER transfer then they put in 2 embryos.  If it's a 5 day post ER then they put in one.  If by Monday morning the embryos are slowing down in their development they will transfer 2 inside that day (day 3) because they do better in the natural environment.  Statistically the chances of pregnancy are better when 2 are put in on day 3 and more times than not only one embryo attaches (I don't know, the buddy system perhaps??  Once again, Google if you must).  Day 5 transfers are a blastocycst at that point and if one is transferred then there is a good chance that with my super awesome lining it will burrow in there.  <squeeeee!!!>

Monday seems very far away (yes I'm being dramatic, it is Saturday) but I am just so excited!!  Tonight my husband has to start to give me the shots of progesterone in oil in my upper butt area.  He isn't looking forward to having to give me a shot (I'd be worried if he was) but as I have been telling myself since the first injection I had to give myself months ago... it's all for the best possible outcome, our dream of a family :)

I cannot believe that we are so close... I cannot believe that this is going to actually happen!!

IVF... ready or not, here we come...

I never thought I would be so happy to get my period.  2/4/2013... we finally started our IVF cycle!  I am on 300iu (international units) of Follistim which is 2x as much as I was on at my highest dosage when we did the IUI's.  The doctor is really happy with my progress and I am happy that I have kept my hormones in check, at least at the work place, and no one has been hurt or maimed, lol.  I had surgery 1/3/2013 to help correct the shape of my uterus (it was heart shaped versus the normal triangle).  The shape impacts the lining (what the fertilized egg will attach to).  In the past the best mine has been was only a 6.5.  This cycle my lining is 8.5!!!  Wowza!  8 is optimal so it looks like this is all going our way!

I had started off with one shot of the meds in the stomach in the evenings and now I'm onto 2 shots (two different meds).  The one in the a.m is to trick my body into waiting to ovulate to give my follicles time to grow and the one in the p.m is to help my follicles multiply and get nice and giant.  How giant you ask?  Well at my last scan (I go every day for blood work and ultrasound) I had 20 (twenty) large follicles.  Holy. Crap.  Considering in a normal unmedicated cycle you produce one follicle that's pretty crazy.  I also look like I'm 4 mos pregnant.  I did say 20 giant follicles.  So my stomach is huge and very firm (instead of the jelly that my gut usually is, haha).  Thankfully my sister in law lent me 3 huge tupperware bins of maternity clothes.  I've had to take out some pants to wear, especially to work.

Tonight, Wednesday, I do the trigger shot (HCG).  This is what primes my body to ovulate.  Then Friday morning I go in for the egg retrieval (ER).  I'm nervous because it's a surgery (I'm knocked out with propophol) but excited at the same time.  They go through my uterus to my ovaries and take the egg out of each follicle.  Hopefully those 20 follicles have some nice size eggs in them.  It's very hard to not be so optimistic!

yep. still here. Oh and IVF too.

Well I know that I have been a little distant lately.  Ok, distant... disappeared... same thing, right?

So yes it has been a long time since my last post and to be honest I think I was just hiding from life for a little while.

So the quick and the dirty... we went our fertility doc in the middle of December and had the big "IVF" talk. 

Yeah.  Three failed IUI's, two with injectable meds...

But.  We are very lucky because we have amazing insurance that covers two rounds of IVF along with the medication.  The medication itself for our first round is $4,620 and we only have to pay $55.

Amazing.  So so lucky.

During our meeting our doc explained that my uterus is not the triangle shape that it should be but a heart shape which must be why none of the IUIs worked because our timing and numbers were perfect. 

Ironic, huh?  Heart shaped uterus that was preventing us from getting pregnant. 

So I had an out patient procedure to fix my heart back to a normal triangle.

Now.  We wait for the magic that is my menstrual cycle so we can start the IVF cycle.  The giant box with the IVF meds came in the mail last week and that is making it all the more real.  My dear hubs is having a little difficulty with the fact that he is going to have to give me injections after the egg retrieval but I told him that we'll get through it together.  Oh and to get the F over it because there is no other choice and I have been jabbing myself in the abdomen for months.

Yeah, did you miss that ... "embryo transfer?"

Which also means there is the "egg retrieval."

This is going to be a hormonal mess of a journey and hopefully I will be together enough to be able to post about it.  It's weird, I haven't had any of the hormone meds in a month and I still feel slightly crazy in the hormone induced way.

More on all this later... time to get ready for work.

Breathe in... Breathe out... Let goooo

When we got married in 2010 I had 8 bridesmaids (not my fault, hubs has 6 very close guy friends + his brother + brother in law...). We had an 18 mos engagement and by the time the big day came 6 of my girls either had a baby or were pregnant at the wedding. Also out of the groomsmen 3 of their wives were pregnant too! I felt so blessed to have all these people apart of our big day and it was a huge joke that with all that "fertile juju" in our wedding party that when we started trying we would be pregnant in no time!
Ha- jokes on us.

One of my friends got married the month after we did. We had so much fun planning our weddings together - she had the destination beach wedding while I had the traditional church wedding. It just so happened that we were both ready to get off the pill at the same time. We thought it would be so much fun to now be pregnant at the same time and have our children together... she got pregnant the first month off the pill.  Her beautiful son is now almost 15 months old.

When I say that all of my friends are pregnant or have babies... I literally mean ALL of them. The wives of the 6 groomsmen that my husband has been friends with since he was a little boy and I have all become really close. Also two of their sisters and their spouses are in the group. We all have so much fun together and I feel like it's really rare that (1) the guys are still so close after all these years and (2) all the wives get along so well. So out of the 9 couples, 5 of us were (are) dealing with infertility. That's pretty crazy! It gives me hope that all the rest of the couples were able to overcome the odds and have successful pregnancies/births..

I just don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about all the feelings associated with this crazy roller coaster (fueled by fertility meds) anymore.   But.  That's not true.  I know I have people I can talk to but I don't want it to feel like that's the only thing I ever talk about and I don't want people to always feel bad for us.  I used to be able to text one of my friends who was "trying" and be like, "ugh another person posted they were pregnant on Facebook today!" Then we could bitch about it together, haha. But now... no one reallyunderstands. I just saw 4 posts on FB announcing pregnancies and while I am honestly happy for each and every one of them another part of me is green with envy. Sometimes I get depressed thinking that its never going to happen... when I try and talk to friends about it the sympathy kicks in and I get the "you'll be next!"

Also 2 couples in that group, who got pregnant after we started trying, are now each pregnant with their second... that's a tough pill to swallow.

Has this turned into a bitch-fest blog?  Ugh sometimes I can't stand how pathetic and bitter sounding I have become over this or how it has started to run my life.