I have a friend who I was pretty good close with in college. We lost touch and then ended up working at the same company for a little while and reconnected again, but then lost touch once more when I moved to another department. We would text each other every once in a while and kept in touch with each other’s lives via the magic of Facebook. We haven’t hung out in probably 3 years. She just texted me today asking which fertility clinic I go to and who my doctor is…
I seem to have become the go to person for infertility questions/advice. I have a couple people I know who reach out to me periodically to ask if I’ve taken a medication or if I’ve done a certain procedure (which 9 times out of 10 I usually have). I really don’t mind – I know that when I was going through all my stuff I would have loved to have had someone I trusted to ask questions or vent to. I know that my friends mean well but unless they knew firsthand what I’ve gone/going through I started to feel like I was just being whiney. Like I’ve said before, I don’t want to be defined by infertility. I don’t want to be seen as a sad sack who always has a sob story.
Anyway, my friend and I started chatting about what’s going on with her and she mentioned that she has a friend who has started the adoption process. I have been thinking about it – that’s kind of like the failsafe plan in the back of my mind that if (God Forbid) we don’t get pregnant then we could at least still become parents through adoption. I know there are so many children out there who need good homes but I have that whole vision in my head – you know, getting that positive pregnancy test, telling my husband, telling our families, telling the world! My belly getting bigger and feeling the life that we created growing inside me… I’m not even that scared of labor (although ask me again when the time comes). But you know what I’m talking about, the whole kit and caboodle. I see pregnant women and I just think they are so beautiful and I am completely in awe of their magical ability to be able to get pregnant and grow a person. I really want to be that beautiful magical pregnant woman someday.
But I know that if I can’t, there’s still hope of having our dream of being parents through adoption. Hubs, on the other hand, is a little hesitant because he works with two couples who have both gone through the adoption process and had a nightmare of an experience. He’s a bit jaded on the whole process and at this point doesn’t even want to have a real conversation about it. “That’s not something we need to talk about yet.” I love that he doesn’t want to give up on us having pregnancy achievement but it’s frustrating when I want to talk about our “what if” back up plan.
My friend asked her friend some questions for me; where she went through (an adoption center in New England), is it an open adoption (yes they seem to be the easiest and most common ones), did she need a lawyer (no it is all a part of the agency), domestic or international (domestic from anywhere in the continental U.S.), how long could it take (6-14 months), how old are they (38, older than us), how expensive ($12,000-$16,000 not cheap by any means but not as much as I was thinking)… her friend even offered her contact information so that I can talk to her. I thought that was so super nice and will absolutely take her up on that offer if we get to that point.
I’ve watched “Adoption Story” and “I’m Having Their Baby” and while that in no way makes me any sort of expert on the adoption process, I feel like I am not totally naïve to what can happen. The look in the prospective parent’s eyes when they talk about their struggles and how they are so thankful that this stranger is giving them this amazing gift… their faces when they go to the first ultrasound and they start to sob in each other’s arms at (finally) seeing THEIR baby on the monitor… I get emotional because I can really see me and hubster in them. The desperation and almost a sense of holding themselves a little back until they have those signed papers in their hands. But the most heartbreaking episodes are the ones where the birth mother decides to keep the baby. That, of course, is totally her right but it always makes me a little indignant and angry for the perspective parents because I feel I can relate so much to them, their struggle and their dream.
That right there is my fear. That we will go through the entire process, the application, the portfolio, waiting to be chosen by some woman who will be able to give us the ultimate gift that we cannot give ourselves… meeting that woman (and maybe her partner/family), connecting to her/them and the baby in her womb, hoping, praying, getting our home and lives set to welcome a baby into it… then blamo. No baby. Just rip my heart from my chest and stomp on it. Not to mention the expense. Do you get your money back if it falls through? Is there some sort of money back guarantee or customer satisfaction policy? I’d like to believe so… but I doubt it.
Every day I pray for a miracle. Every day I pray that even though all the medical interventions have failed that we will magically become pregnant on our own. That through the grace of God I will get 100%-take-home-baby pregnant. It has happened- it happened to one of our closest friend’s right before they were going to start the IVF process. The doctor said that there’s no reason why we can’t get pregnant on our own. Having one tube isn’t something that is considered a “reason” for not getting pregnant. They just don’t know why it hasn’t worked so far.
I think that’s the most frustrating thing of all.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Soft Cups - a review
Disclaimer – as previously noted, I am not compensated for anything I talk about. These are all my opinions/experiences nor am I a health care professional. If you are not comfortable talking about/reading about someone’s menstrual cycle or sexual intercourse – this post is not for you.
I wanted to wait for a couple cycles before I did a post on Soft Cups. I’m going to be honest with you, that first few days of the first period using them I wanted to throw in the towel. But I decided to stick it out and then at the end of the cycle decide if I was going to do it all again.
First things first – you have to be comfortable with your body. I mean sticking your fingers all the way up your biz in order to get the cup in and then out kind of comfortable with your body. The trick is putting it in the correct way. I read a lot of reviews on Amazon and I even watched a couple YouTube videos. I didn’t insert it correctly the first couple times and had to take it out and redo it at the office (not that fun) because I was leaking a little. The first couple times I suggest putting it in while in the shower. That way you can completely squat down to get the cup in at the right angle. You want to squeeze the sides together (making sure that the cup is right side up – that should be self-explanatory when you look at it) and insert it at a downward angle. Push it back with your finger(s) until it sits right behind your pubic bone. DO NOT PANIC – it will not be that hard to get out. I had a moment of, “oh sh*t what did I just do and how the hell is it getting out?”
To take it out… this I suggest doing the first couple times in a squat position in the shower because, as I will cover below, it’s a little messy. The directions say to stick your finger up there and hook it around the lip of the cup and pull it out. This didn’t work for me (causing another moment of panic complete with the thought of #1 having to tell hubster that I have a cup of menstrual blood stuck inside me and then #2 having to go to a hospital to get said cup taken out… yeah I know I sometimes go from rational to crazy in zero --> .5 seconds). I had to take my middle finger and instead of hooking it under the lip of the cup I had to pull the cup down a little and stick my finger INSIDE the cup to get a grip to pull it out.
Then it comes out.
Second – you have to be ok with getting your menstrual blood on your hands… because you will. It’s a little messy. That’s why I suggest taking it out in the shower. You are not supposed to leave it in for more than 12 hours and I don’t know about you but I usually do not take 2 showers in a 12 hour timeframe (unless I work out in the evenings versus the morning). Taking it out in the shower is one thing, taking it out while sitting on the toilet is another. I suggest doing this at home the first couple times. I had to do it at the office twice (because I didn’t put it in correctly, see above). That was a mess. Thankfully we have a handicap stall with a sink in it where I was able to shimmy my way over with my pants down around my ankles and wash my hands without having to touch anything (automatic water and soap dispenser- phew). When you take it out, wrap it in TP (or put it in the pouch if you are inserting another) and toss in the trash. Do not flush these- they are in no way flushable. Even though the package says one time use, some people online have said that they rinsed the cup out and reused it… that brings to mind all of the junk that could be in our water that will now be in this cup inside my body. No thank you. I also don’t want to rinse this thing in anybody’s sink be it at home or the office (omg could you imagine someone walking in and seeing you rinsing this while at work? Hello, HR). There are cups that you can buy that I believe are a lot more expensive that are made to be reused (Diva Cups maybe?) but once again, the whole rinsing them is a turn off for me. I’m ok with wrapping them in TP and tossing them. But I have not researched those cups so I am not sure what the deal is with them.
The first few times I used it (and didn’t have it in correctly) I was cursing out every reviewer on Amazon who was saying how awesome these were. I was going to the bathroom and having a good amount of blood on the TP and/or in the bowl. Depending on your flow (mine is very heavy the first day or two) I would suggest wearing a panty liner, just in case. That first period was tough because I was still trying to figure out how to insert them correctly. Once I got the hang of inserting them, checking to make sure that it was in fact behind my pubic bone, I really liked them. It was so nice to insert it, slap on a panty liner, and not have to think about it for the rest of the day. Yeah sometimes I would go to the bathroom and there would be a little pink on the TP but as long as it wasn’t on the PL I was ok with it. There isn’t an airtight seal on these babies so expect that, once again depending on how heavy your flow is, you might see a little bit of pink on the TP. Use your own judgment as to if you want to change them more than every 12 hours. I’ll be honest that the first night I did use a tampon because of how heavy my flow is. I could definitely tell the difference between using a Soft Cup and using a tampon. I never felt the Soft Cup (except for when it wasn’t in correctly) and pulling out the tampon (when it’s slightly dry)… cringe. It did take two cycles for me to appreciate them so if you are willing to give them time, I think you might like them.
Now for trying to conceive… this is the main reason why I got them in the first place. After you have sex, before really moving, insert a Soft Cup (I keep a couple in my bedside table). No mess. No wet spot. No all-night/day leaking (you all know what I’m talking about). The idea is to keep all of the semen close to the cervix (kind of along the same line as putting a pillow under your butt and having your legs in the air and letting gravity do it's job). There were people singing their praises all over the interwebs and swearing up and down that these are why they got pregnant after such a long time TTC. Ok, duh, I know that once the sperm is inside you, the strong swimmers start the journey up through your cervix and towards the tubes (in my case, tube) and all the other weak ones and fluid eventually make its way out of you. I do not think that with having the cup in there that after an hour a couple sperm are going to be like, “you know what – let’s see what’s up there!” What I do know is that I can go to sleep without having to change my underwear in the middle of night because everything is coming out (once again, you know what I’m talking about). In the morning, before my shower, I take it out (you can see the collection of all the goods in it), wrap it in TP and toss it in the trash.
Now, if you have a history of UTI’s and need to pee after sex or risk getting an infection… these are probably not for you. I’m not sure about using them for your menstrual cycle with that kind of history either… but when in doubt, ask your doctor. There are some people online who said that for one reason or another they were not able to use tampons (due to medical reasons) and these work for them. But once again, I would talk to your doctor first if you have any concerns or a medical history.
So, in a nutshell, if you are (1) not comfortable sticking your fingers inside your body (2) getting all sorts of bodily fluids on your hands (3) seeing all sorts of bodily fluids up close and personal (4) have a history of UTIs… then this may not be the product for you. When in doubt – ask your doctor. But why not give it a try? I got a box of 24 for (I think) $13 (free shipping with Amazon Prime). You might find yourself pleasantly surprised like I did.
Has anyone else had any experience with these? What did you think? Have you been thinking about trying them and something is holding you back? I’d love to have your input!
I wanted to wait for a couple cycles before I did a post on Soft Cups. I’m going to be honest with you, that first few days of the first period using them I wanted to throw in the towel. But I decided to stick it out and then at the end of the cycle decide if I was going to do it all again.
First things first – you have to be comfortable with your body. I mean sticking your fingers all the way up your biz in order to get the cup in and then out kind of comfortable with your body. The trick is putting it in the correct way. I read a lot of reviews on Amazon and I even watched a couple YouTube videos. I didn’t insert it correctly the first couple times and had to take it out and redo it at the office (not that fun) because I was leaking a little. The first couple times I suggest putting it in while in the shower. That way you can completely squat down to get the cup in at the right angle. You want to squeeze the sides together (making sure that the cup is right side up – that should be self-explanatory when you look at it) and insert it at a downward angle. Push it back with your finger(s) until it sits right behind your pubic bone. DO NOT PANIC – it will not be that hard to get out. I had a moment of, “oh sh*t what did I just do and how the hell is it getting out?”
To take it out… this I suggest doing the first couple times in a squat position in the shower because, as I will cover below, it’s a little messy. The directions say to stick your finger up there and hook it around the lip of the cup and pull it out. This didn’t work for me (causing another moment of panic complete with the thought of #1 having to tell hubster that I have a cup of menstrual blood stuck inside me and then #2 having to go to a hospital to get said cup taken out… yeah I know I sometimes go from rational to crazy in zero --> .5 seconds). I had to take my middle finger and instead of hooking it under the lip of the cup I had to pull the cup down a little and stick my finger INSIDE the cup to get a grip to pull it out.
Then it comes out.
Second – you have to be ok with getting your menstrual blood on your hands… because you will. It’s a little messy. That’s why I suggest taking it out in the shower. You are not supposed to leave it in for more than 12 hours and I don’t know about you but I usually do not take 2 showers in a 12 hour timeframe (unless I work out in the evenings versus the morning). Taking it out in the shower is one thing, taking it out while sitting on the toilet is another. I suggest doing this at home the first couple times. I had to do it at the office twice (because I didn’t put it in correctly, see above). That was a mess. Thankfully we have a handicap stall with a sink in it where I was able to shimmy my way over with my pants down around my ankles and wash my hands without having to touch anything (automatic water and soap dispenser- phew). When you take it out, wrap it in TP (or put it in the pouch if you are inserting another) and toss in the trash. Do not flush these- they are in no way flushable. Even though the package says one time use, some people online have said that they rinsed the cup out and reused it… that brings to mind all of the junk that could be in our water that will now be in this cup inside my body. No thank you. I also don’t want to rinse this thing in anybody’s sink be it at home or the office (omg could you imagine someone walking in and seeing you rinsing this while at work? Hello, HR). There are cups that you can buy that I believe are a lot more expensive that are made to be reused (Diva Cups maybe?) but once again, the whole rinsing them is a turn off for me. I’m ok with wrapping them in TP and tossing them. But I have not researched those cups so I am not sure what the deal is with them.
The first few times I used it (and didn’t have it in correctly) I was cursing out every reviewer on Amazon who was saying how awesome these were. I was going to the bathroom and having a good amount of blood on the TP and/or in the bowl. Depending on your flow (mine is very heavy the first day or two) I would suggest wearing a panty liner, just in case. That first period was tough because I was still trying to figure out how to insert them correctly. Once I got the hang of inserting them, checking to make sure that it was in fact behind my pubic bone, I really liked them. It was so nice to insert it, slap on a panty liner, and not have to think about it for the rest of the day. Yeah sometimes I would go to the bathroom and there would be a little pink on the TP but as long as it wasn’t on the PL I was ok with it. There isn’t an airtight seal on these babies so expect that, once again depending on how heavy your flow is, you might see a little bit of pink on the TP. Use your own judgment as to if you want to change them more than every 12 hours. I’ll be honest that the first night I did use a tampon because of how heavy my flow is. I could definitely tell the difference between using a Soft Cup and using a tampon. I never felt the Soft Cup (except for when it wasn’t in correctly) and pulling out the tampon (when it’s slightly dry)… cringe. It did take two cycles for me to appreciate them so if you are willing to give them time, I think you might like them.
Now for trying to conceive… this is the main reason why I got them in the first place. After you have sex, before really moving, insert a Soft Cup (I keep a couple in my bedside table). No mess. No wet spot. No all-night/day leaking (you all know what I’m talking about). The idea is to keep all of the semen close to the cervix (kind of along the same line as putting a pillow under your butt and having your legs in the air and letting gravity do it's job). There were people singing their praises all over the interwebs and swearing up and down that these are why they got pregnant after such a long time TTC. Ok, duh, I know that once the sperm is inside you, the strong swimmers start the journey up through your cervix and towards the tubes (in my case, tube) and all the other weak ones and fluid eventually make its way out of you. I do not think that with having the cup in there that after an hour a couple sperm are going to be like, “you know what – let’s see what’s up there!” What I do know is that I can go to sleep without having to change my underwear in the middle of night because everything is coming out (once again, you know what I’m talking about). In the morning, before my shower, I take it out (you can see the collection of all the goods in it), wrap it in TP and toss it in the trash.
Now, if you have a history of UTI’s and need to pee after sex or risk getting an infection… these are probably not for you. I’m not sure about using them for your menstrual cycle with that kind of history either… but when in doubt, ask your doctor. There are some people online who said that for one reason or another they were not able to use tampons (due to medical reasons) and these work for them. But once again, I would talk to your doctor first if you have any concerns or a medical history.
So, in a nutshell, if you are (1) not comfortable sticking your fingers inside your body (2) getting all sorts of bodily fluids on your hands (3) seeing all sorts of bodily fluids up close and personal (4) have a history of UTIs… then this may not be the product for you. When in doubt – ask your doctor. But why not give it a try? I got a box of 24 for (I think) $13 (free shipping with Amazon Prime). You might find yourself pleasantly surprised like I did.
Has anyone else had any experience with these? What did you think? Have you been thinking about trying them and something is holding you back? I’d love to have your input!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Pretending Not to Care
In my quest to not obsess about all this infertility stuff I have transferred my obsession over to Weight Watchers and WW inspired blogs. Apparently I have a kind of obsessive personality and I need to focus on something (lol). It also doesn’t help that it’s been a little slow at work and where I would have normally checked out some of my favorite IF (infertility) blogs I have started to lean more towards WW / Healthy Life Style blogs. My “Reading List” up until a month ago on Blogger (the list of the blogs that I follow) was filled with blogs about women, just like me, who are struggling with infertility. I used to read them to get some hope, inspiration, commiserate, cry with, cheer on, and just plain follow their stories. I deleted some of the ones that haven’t updated anything in a while and have been filling it up with a lot of inspiring weight loss stories.
Since the miscarriage and our last IVF I have… I don’t know I just don’t want to read all the IF blogs. Isn’t that awful? I feel like that sounds awful. Here are all these woman (who apparently in my mind I think we’re real life friends) share their stories and I just don’t want to read them. I know thatmost part of it is that I’m jealous.
There. I said it.
I’m jealous that they get to continue on their IF journey and here we are with maxed out insurance. Once again, I know how seriously fortunate we are for having had any insurance at all. The only way we would have been able to do either of the IVF’s and maybe even the IUI’s with injectable meds was because of the insurance. I mean we are a typical regular young(ish) couple with good paying jobs (very blessed there) but we are certainly not “rolling” in an extra $20K. I don’t know many people who have that kind of extra cash. Of course we would get a loan for another IVF but I think I have such a hard time wrapping my brain around handing over a check for that much money with no guarantee. If they were to say – “hey pay us $xx,xxx and you’d get 100% take-home-baby pregnant” I’d be like, “where do I sign and do you take a cashier’s check?” There are no guarantees for any of this and to have to pay off a loan for another failed IVF… I just feel like that would be heartbreaking.
I have been thinking about it and I think that the next step I would like us to do is the IUI with donor sperm. Obviously I need to have a big talk with the hubs about it but something in the ball park of $1,000 is way more feasible than $15,000-$20,000 (depending on meds). I’ve had many dreams about us having two little boys who look a lot like hubster so using donor sperm is something that will be a hard pill to swallow. We talked about it briefly after our appointment with Dr. B in July. I was concerned with how hubs would feel about using donor sperm and not his stuff. He said – “it would still be our baby.” So, I mean, if he’s not concerned then I guess I shouldn’t be either. I don’t know if I would want to tell anyone that it’s donor sperm though (that is assuming that it would work). I believe that we would have to go through some counseling prior to the cycle with using donor sperm, which I think would be beneficial.
I’m both wanting to get this show on the road again and also apprehensive about starting all the infertility appointments back up. The every other day blood work, internal ultrasounds, the medications, the injections, the hormones, the swelling… I think that’s because it has all just seemed like a practice in torture instead of the path to our dream of becoming parents. We’ll have to definitely talk again about the options that the fertility doctor presented us with and when we want this “break” to end. I know that we are/were both hoping/praying that we would get pregnant on our own during this time away from the doctors but I guess I have to be realistic that not everyone gets that lucky.
I know that sounds totally negative and I’m being a little bit of a Debbie Downer. Having a tough day today. Two woman in my office have announced “whoops we totally we’re even trying” pregnancies this week. Let’s not even talk about the 23 year old who I used to work with who got “whoopsie” pregnant and has been posting pics of her pee stick and every craving she has had on Facebook/Instagram. Of course I’m happy for them but it always makes me a little sad for us too.
Ok rant/pity party over. I need to put all that out of my head and focus on us and the positives.
Here’s to believing that miracles do really happen.
Since the miscarriage and our last IVF I have… I don’t know I just don’t want to read all the IF blogs. Isn’t that awful? I feel like that sounds awful. Here are all these woman (who apparently in my mind I think we’re real life friends) share their stories and I just don’t want to read them. I know that
There. I said it.
I’m jealous that they get to continue on their IF journey and here we are with maxed out insurance. Once again, I know how seriously fortunate we are for having had any insurance at all. The only way we would have been able to do either of the IVF’s and maybe even the IUI’s with injectable meds was because of the insurance. I mean we are a typical regular young(ish) couple with good paying jobs (very blessed there) but we are certainly not “rolling” in an extra $20K. I don’t know many people who have that kind of extra cash. Of course we would get a loan for another IVF but I think I have such a hard time wrapping my brain around handing over a check for that much money with no guarantee. If they were to say – “hey pay us $xx,xxx and you’d get 100% take-home-baby pregnant” I’d be like, “where do I sign and do you take a cashier’s check?” There are no guarantees for any of this and to have to pay off a loan for another failed IVF… I just feel like that would be heartbreaking.
I have been thinking about it and I think that the next step I would like us to do is the IUI with donor sperm. Obviously I need to have a big talk with the hubs about it but something in the ball park of $1,000 is way more feasible than $15,000-$20,000 (depending on meds). I’ve had many dreams about us having two little boys who look a lot like hubster so using donor sperm is something that will be a hard pill to swallow. We talked about it briefly after our appointment with Dr. B in July. I was concerned with how hubs would feel about using donor sperm and not his stuff. He said – “it would still be our baby.” So, I mean, if he’s not concerned then I guess I shouldn’t be either. I don’t know if I would want to tell anyone that it’s donor sperm though (that is assuming that it would work). I believe that we would have to go through some counseling prior to the cycle with using donor sperm, which I think would be beneficial.
I’m both wanting to get this show on the road again and also apprehensive about starting all the infertility appointments back up. The every other day blood work, internal ultrasounds, the medications, the injections, the hormones, the swelling… I think that’s because it has all just seemed like a practice in torture instead of the path to our dream of becoming parents. We’ll have to definitely talk again about the options that the fertility doctor presented us with and when we want this “break” to end. I know that we are/were both hoping/praying that we would get pregnant on our own during this time away from the doctors but I guess I have to be realistic that not everyone gets that lucky.
I know that sounds totally negative and I’m being a little bit of a Debbie Downer. Having a tough day today. Two woman in my office have announced “whoops we totally we’re even trying” pregnancies this week. Let’s not even talk about the 23 year old who I used to work with who got “whoopsie” pregnant and has been posting pics of her pee stick and every craving she has had on Facebook/Instagram. Of course I’m happy for them but it always makes me a little sad for us too.
Ok rant/pity party over. I need to put all that out of my head and focus on us and the positives.
Here’s to believing that miracles do really happen.
Friday, October 4, 2013
WW Week 6 WIN!
I had my Week 6 Weight Watchers meeting last night… I am so glad that I stuck it out through those first few tough weeks. I am down -4.4 lbs! I didn’t go the week before because I went to the doctor that day and got antibiotics for a sinus infection so I just went home and got into bed. I wasn’t thinking I was going to lose much because I haven’t really been working out with this sinus infection but -4.4 in two weeks? I’ll take it! So that’s an -11.4 total loss (7.4lb on WW). This is really working for me. I can’t believe I found something that actually works.
One of my friends at work who was also doing WW said she doesn’t want to do it anymore because it makes her think about food too much. That’s exactly what I need. I need something that’s going to make me conscience of everything I put in my mouth. As my WW Leader said – “Beware of the BLT’S – Bites, Licks, Tastes, Sips.” It’s so true. It totally adds up and I never realized how much I do that until I started to be really conscience of what I am doing instead of mindlessly shoveling food into my pie hole. While making lunches, while making dinner, while doing anything in the kitchen… at the office is really hard too especially with Halloween coming up. Lots of people have candy dishes on their desks and I would just grab some on the way to the copier or the bathroom. It. All. Adds. Up. Does that mean I can’t have that Snack Size Snickers that I have an afternoon craving for? Of course I can as long as I track it. As long as I am making myself accountable for what I am eating. At the end of the day the only person I’m hurting by not tracking is me.
The week before I was sick I tracked EVERYTHING and printed it out to show my leader (because I was so frustrated with not losing, I talked about it in the WW Week 3 post). I felt like I was being more conscience of what I was eating because I was handing in “homework.” Like I was making better choices because my leader was going to see what I was eating. Then I realized I was being more accountable to my LEADER who was looking at my food for the week than I usually am to MYSELF. Oh. Well. That doesn’t make much sense now does it?
I lost 1.2lbs that week with the only workout I did was my Wednesday night Water Aerobics! I think my problem is portions and “eyeballing” what’s on my plate. “That looks like 3 oz” or “That looks like ½ a cup.” Guess what. It wasn’t. Also, I’m going to repeat what everyone else says – Tracking is KEY. If you don’t track it you can’t be accountable for it.
I’m in it to win this time around. I am going to get to my goal weight and be a WW Lifetime Member. Maybe when I get there I’ll actually put in writing how much my starting weight was but right now I’m too close to it and I’m still too embarrassed that I allowed myself to get above and beyond what my heaviest was when I lost 60 pounds 8 years ago. Hubs doesn’t even know how much I weigh because, to be honest, right now I think we weigh the same. Meaning at my heaviest I weighed more than my husband. That was a wakeup call. I can’t blame this on the fertility meds either. Yeah they didn’t help but I was fat before the meds and the combination of the medication and my bad habits just made me fatter. But now that I’m on the right kind of “losing streak” I like the feeling of losing much to stop now.
This morning I got out of bed at 6am to work out. But let’s be real here… really the only reason I actually got up was because the dog had to go out and hubs had already left for work so it was on me. I got up, put on my workout gear, took her out, got my water and went into the den to work out. Then I stood there for a good minute having an internal debate about whether or not I really wanted to work out. For a while the part of me that just wanted to get a cup of coffee and snuggle in bed until 7am was winning. I had literally shut off the DVD player and was ready to walk out of the room but something made me stop. I realized I didn’t want to be fat more than I wanted to get that cup of coffee and sit in bed. So I turned on Leslie Sansone and got to work.
That was a turning point for me. The idea of stepping on that scale at the next meeting and losing, the feeling I got when the receptionist said to me, “Hey nice job! You stuck with it and look what happened!!” That feeling right there was what had me turning back around this morning and turning that DVD back on. Losing feels better than being fat. Yeah I was cursing out Leslie, “Sweaty Betty, Dot, Barb and Cindy”* while I was working out but I did it and I didn’t phone it in either. It finally clicked that losing felt better to me at that moment then getting back in bed. That’s what I call a “win.”
*those are the names that I call her “back up dancers” on that particular DVD. I’m not really sure what their real names are because I wear my iPod (her commentary drives me up the wall but I love her workouts. I also need to hear my music to get me in the groove). This one woman works up such a sweat and is so into it that the name “Sweaty Betty” seemed appropriate. One woman looks just like my Aunt Barb. The other two I just think look like a “Dot” and a “Cindy.” I needed to name them because saying “go Sweaty Betty, get it girl!” or “wipe that stupid smile off your face Barb” (at a particular tough part in the work out) makes me feel like I’m working out with pals. Hey – give me a break, whatever works, right?
One of my friends at work who was also doing WW said she doesn’t want to do it anymore because it makes her think about food too much. That’s exactly what I need. I need something that’s going to make me conscience of everything I put in my mouth. As my WW Leader said – “Beware of the BLT’S – Bites, Licks, Tastes, Sips.” It’s so true. It totally adds up and I never realized how much I do that until I started to be really conscience of what I am doing instead of mindlessly shoveling food into my pie hole. While making lunches, while making dinner, while doing anything in the kitchen… at the office is really hard too especially with Halloween coming up. Lots of people have candy dishes on their desks and I would just grab some on the way to the copier or the bathroom. It. All. Adds. Up. Does that mean I can’t have that Snack Size Snickers that I have an afternoon craving for? Of course I can as long as I track it. As long as I am making myself accountable for what I am eating. At the end of the day the only person I’m hurting by not tracking is me.
The week before I was sick I tracked EVERYTHING and printed it out to show my leader (because I was so frustrated with not losing, I talked about it in the WW Week 3 post). I felt like I was being more conscience of what I was eating because I was handing in “homework.” Like I was making better choices because my leader was going to see what I was eating. Then I realized I was being more accountable to my LEADER who was looking at my food for the week than I usually am to MYSELF. Oh. Well. That doesn’t make much sense now does it?
I lost 1.2lbs that week with the only workout I did was my Wednesday night Water Aerobics! I think my problem is portions and “eyeballing” what’s on my plate. “That looks like 3 oz” or “That looks like ½ a cup.” Guess what. It wasn’t. Also, I’m going to repeat what everyone else says – Tracking is KEY. If you don’t track it you can’t be accountable for it.
I’m in it to win this time around. I am going to get to my goal weight and be a WW Lifetime Member. Maybe when I get there I’ll actually put in writing how much my starting weight was but right now I’m too close to it and I’m still too embarrassed that I allowed myself to get above and beyond what my heaviest was when I lost 60 pounds 8 years ago. Hubs doesn’t even know how much I weigh because, to be honest, right now I think we weigh the same. Meaning at my heaviest I weighed more than my husband. That was a wakeup call. I can’t blame this on the fertility meds either. Yeah they didn’t help but I was fat before the meds and the combination of the medication and my bad habits just made me fatter. But now that I’m on the right kind of “losing streak” I like the feeling of losing much to stop now.
This morning I got out of bed at 6am to work out. But let’s be real here… really the only reason I actually got up was because the dog had to go out and hubs had already left for work so it was on me. I got up, put on my workout gear, took her out, got my water and went into the den to work out. Then I stood there for a good minute having an internal debate about whether or not I really wanted to work out. For a while the part of me that just wanted to get a cup of coffee and snuggle in bed until 7am was winning. I had literally shut off the DVD player and was ready to walk out of the room but something made me stop. I realized I didn’t want to be fat more than I wanted to get that cup of coffee and sit in bed. So I turned on Leslie Sansone and got to work.
That was a turning point for me. The idea of stepping on that scale at the next meeting and losing, the feeling I got when the receptionist said to me, “Hey nice job! You stuck with it and look what happened!!” That feeling right there was what had me turning back around this morning and turning that DVD back on. Losing feels better than being fat. Yeah I was cursing out Leslie, “Sweaty Betty, Dot, Barb and Cindy”* while I was working out but I did it and I didn’t phone it in either. It finally clicked that losing felt better to me at that moment then getting back in bed. That’s what I call a “win.”
*those are the names that I call her “back up dancers” on that particular DVD. I’m not really sure what their real names are because I wear my iPod (her commentary drives me up the wall but I love her workouts. I also need to hear my music to get me in the groove). This one woman works up such a sweat and is so into it that the name “Sweaty Betty” seemed appropriate. One woman looks just like my Aunt Barb. The other two I just think look like a “Dot” and a “Cindy.” I needed to name them because saying “go Sweaty Betty, get it girl!” or “wipe that stupid smile off your face Barb” (at a particular tough part in the work out) makes me feel like I’m working out with pals. Hey – give me a break, whatever works, right?
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Fat Old Ladies & The Big D
Ok I I took my first Aqua Aerobics class 3 Wednesday nights ago. I LOVE it! I look forward to it all week, it’s SO MUCH fun! At my first class I was a little nervous to take my towel off but then I realized that all the ladies in the class, with the exception of the nice woman from my WW meeting, were all older grandma type women. One woman came up to me and was like, “are you new?” I said, “yes this is my first week.” She said, “you’re going to love it, it’s just a bunch of us fat old ladies.” I instantly loved her.
I can’t believe how fast the class goes by. Before I know it the 45 minutes are up. Whoa. Usually I’m sitting there staring at the clock counting down the minutes until the workout/class is over. This time I can’t believe it when we start the cool down stretching. Let me tell you, this isn’t some leisurely swim either. Yes you can modify it to be easier but if you do the exercises at the intensity that she’s showing it’s a real workout. Some of the ladies told me that they also take the Water Zumba on Monday nights so I am going to sign up for that one at the next session (they are 8 week sessions)… but I will have to wait and see where I am with the chiropractor at that point. It would be great if I was only seeing him once a week so I can fit in two water aerobics classes.
I was able to put on a pair of dress pants this morning that I have not been able to wear (comfortably and then not at all) in literally 8 months. I am so happy. I haven’t noticed a huge weight loss on the scale but I can tell that all my clothes are fitting differently (obviously since I can now wear pants that I haven’t been able to wear). I seriously think it’s the water aerobics and I’m excited to add another class to my week. I didn’t go to Weight Watchers last week because I had gone to the doctor that day for my physical (more on that below) and it turned out that the horrible allergies I was suffering from was actually a nasty sinus infection. I just went home and got in bed to rest up with some meds, box of tissues, oj, the DVR and my pup. A round of antibiotics later and I’m feeling pretty good. Still have mild sneezing/nose blowing but I know that’s my allergies.
My physical went well – he said I was really healthy (besides the extra weight but he knows I’m working on it). Then he asked how the baby stuff was going… and I lost it. He knows we went to the Fertility Doctor but didn’t know what has happened so I filled him in. His wife is an OBGYN at the practice that I go to so he’s sensitive to all that reproductive stuff. I also told him how sad I’ve been and how some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I know why I’m depressed – duh – it’s not like I need to go to a therapist to try and figure it out. I’m having a very hard time with all this… maxing out our insurance for the IF coverage and still not having our miracle, our friends who started trying for #1 when we started trying are now having baby #2, and my age- I can feel that damn biological clock ticking with my whole being. I also have guilt over the fact that we’re not pregnant and I feel like it’s my fault and that hubs isn’t a dad because of me (ok well maybe I need to see a therapist to work on that but I don’t really have the time – or the inclination).
He said he was really worried about my "mental health and wellbeing." He prescribed a very low dose of an antidepressant called Wellbutrin. I’ve only been on it for a week and I seriously feel like it’s helping. I got my period last night and I didn’t collapse in a puddle of sadness. Yeah it sucks that another cycle is down the drain but I was like – ok well bright side is that at least this cycle was only 30 days (versus the last one which was 46, yes I said forty six). I also was not a raging witch for the last few days (which is a sure sign that good ole Aunt Flow is on her way). He said that people who are trying to conceive generally do not take antidepressants but he feels like I need this and when (he didn’t say “if”) I get pregnant he’ll take me off of it or wean me off of it. I see him in another week for a follow up to see if we need to adjust the dose but I think it’s ok.
I’ve decided that I’m going to stop all the “I can’t because I might get pregnant” talk I have been doing in my head for the past 3 years- like going on the antidepressant. “I can’t do that because I might get pregnant really soon.” I bought myself some much needed new clothes yesterday (probably spent more than I should but whatevs) because I have been saying to myself for the past 3 years, well I might as well wait and spend the money on maternity clothes “because I might get pregnant soon.” I need to focus on me. I need to focus on getting myself in a better place, physically and mentally. I’m not ready to give up on getting pregnant but I need to stop holding myself back because there’s a chance “I might get pregnant really soon.” I need to get myself healthy so that I CAN get pregnant soon.
I can’t believe how fast the class goes by. Before I know it the 45 minutes are up. Whoa. Usually I’m sitting there staring at the clock counting down the minutes until the workout/class is over. This time I can’t believe it when we start the cool down stretching. Let me tell you, this isn’t some leisurely swim either. Yes you can modify it to be easier but if you do the exercises at the intensity that she’s showing it’s a real workout. Some of the ladies told me that they also take the Water Zumba on Monday nights so I am going to sign up for that one at the next session (they are 8 week sessions)… but I will have to wait and see where I am with the chiropractor at that point. It would be great if I was only seeing him once a week so I can fit in two water aerobics classes.
I was able to put on a pair of dress pants this morning that I have not been able to wear (comfortably and then not at all) in literally 8 months. I am so happy. I haven’t noticed a huge weight loss on the scale but I can tell that all my clothes are fitting differently (obviously since I can now wear pants that I haven’t been able to wear). I seriously think it’s the water aerobics and I’m excited to add another class to my week. I didn’t go to Weight Watchers last week because I had gone to the doctor that day for my physical (more on that below) and it turned out that the horrible allergies I was suffering from was actually a nasty sinus infection. I just went home and got in bed to rest up with some meds, box of tissues, oj, the DVR and my pup. A round of antibiotics later and I’m feeling pretty good. Still have mild sneezing/nose blowing but I know that’s my allergies.
My physical went well – he said I was really healthy (besides the extra weight but he knows I’m working on it). Then he asked how the baby stuff was going… and I lost it. He knows we went to the Fertility Doctor but didn’t know what has happened so I filled him in. His wife is an OBGYN at the practice that I go to so he’s sensitive to all that reproductive stuff. I also told him how sad I’ve been and how some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I know why I’m depressed – duh – it’s not like I need to go to a therapist to try and figure it out. I’m having a very hard time with all this… maxing out our insurance for the IF coverage and still not having our miracle, our friends who started trying for #1 when we started trying are now having baby #2, and my age- I can feel that damn biological clock ticking with my whole being. I also have guilt over the fact that we’re not pregnant and I feel like it’s my fault and that hubs isn’t a dad because of me (ok well maybe I need to see a therapist to work on that but I don’t really have the time – or the inclination).
He said he was really worried about my "mental health and wellbeing." He prescribed a very low dose of an antidepressant called Wellbutrin. I’ve only been on it for a week and I seriously feel like it’s helping. I got my period last night and I didn’t collapse in a puddle of sadness. Yeah it sucks that another cycle is down the drain but I was like – ok well bright side is that at least this cycle was only 30 days (versus the last one which was 46, yes I said forty six). I also was not a raging witch for the last few days (which is a sure sign that good ole Aunt Flow is on her way). He said that people who are trying to conceive generally do not take antidepressants but he feels like I need this and when (he didn’t say “if”) I get pregnant he’ll take me off of it or wean me off of it. I see him in another week for a follow up to see if we need to adjust the dose but I think it’s ok.
I’ve decided that I’m going to stop all the “I can’t because I might get pregnant” talk I have been doing in my head for the past 3 years- like going on the antidepressant. “I can’t do that because I might get pregnant really soon.” I bought myself some much needed new clothes yesterday (probably spent more than I should but whatevs) because I have been saying to myself for the past 3 years, well I might as well wait and spend the money on maternity clothes “because I might get pregnant soon.” I need to focus on me. I need to focus on getting myself in a better place, physically and mentally. I’m not ready to give up on getting pregnant but I need to stop holding myself back because there’s a chance “I might get pregnant really soon.” I need to get myself healthy so that I CAN get pregnant soon.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Weight Watchers Week 3
Ohhhh I’m frustrated. I have been doing Weight Watchers since August 22nd. I lost 1 lb the first week, .2 the second week (yes, that is point 2 pounds) and then I gained a pound at my meeting last night.
Mother F-er.
I am doing this with 4 other women I work with. One goes to a meeting in another town and the other 3 are doing it online. It’s great to be doing this with people at work because there are usually so many obstacles at the office that having 4 other people to help each other stay on track is great. Also one of the woman is usually the one who brings in baked goodies or has candy on her desk so having her on this journey with us is good because she doesn’t do those things now!
This is the reason why I have joined and quit WW so many times in the past. I have always lost at such a slow rate but I have never lost this slowly before. I also have a good amount to lose so it’s not like I’m just dealing with a pesky 10 pounds here. One of the women in my little group has probably 30 pounds more than me to lose but she’s already lost 18lbs (she started 3 weeks before me)! So I know we all have different amounts to lose and I understand that we’re not going to lose at the same rate but I mean come on!!
I have been very good with tracking and staying on program up until the weekends. We usually have so much going on and are constantly out at someone’s house or out to eat that I try to be good but I don’t do such a good job of tracking everything and I am sure my portions are off. We do get those 49 extra points to use during the week that I tend to use up on the weekends (at least I think I do, not 100% sure since I don’t track 100% on the weekends).
So yeah, I’m probably doing myself a disservice with my lax WW-ness on the weekends. I know I know everyone says the secret to the program is to TRACK EVERYTHING. My leader could tell yesterday that something was up so she came over to talk to me. She’s so super nice. She said that some people actually take a month before they start to see the results. Geez, I never knew that. She offered to look at my food list next meeting… so now I have to be REALLY good and track everything since I have to hand it over in a week!
There is a really nice woman named Becky who I usually sit next to at the meetings. She overheard me talking to the leader and told me about an aqua aerobics class that she’s going to take. She said it’s at the local rec center and she did it last year and really liked it. She said that it starts next week and it’s 6:15-7 and one day a week. I’m not that thrilled about the prospect of getting in a bathing suit and then going into the local pool with a bunch of strangers… I’m not even that thrilled about getting into a bathing suit and going into our backyard pool in front of my husband… but I went home and signed up.
I’m going out to Indian with some girlfriends tonight and I know that if I wasn’t “handing in my homework” in a week I’d be pretty lax on the tracking, maybe not even track or just eyeball it. But today I went online to the restaurant’s website and then compared it to the WW etools and already picked out what I’m going to have so I know the points (Chicken Tikka – 5pts for 4oz, which is a little bigger than my palm). I am leaving myself some points wiggle room for a glass (or two) of wine and then of course it comes with a side basmati rice (3pts for 1/3 cup) which I am sure is not factored into those 5pts.
I need to do this. I need to succeed at this. I feel like at this point, I have no choice. I need to do something that is life changing; I can’t do a quick fix. I have seen that this works. I have met people who have had great success on Weight Watchers. Maybe my body is just all messed up and it’s going to take me longer to lose the weight… seems like the pattern in my life, takes me a lot longer to get to a goal than my peers (hello, infertility).
So maybe this whole thing with my leader looking at my food journal is a good thing because it will force me to be more accountable since clearly just being accountable to me is not enough.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I will succeed.
Mother F-er.
I am doing this with 4 other women I work with. One goes to a meeting in another town and the other 3 are doing it online. It’s great to be doing this with people at work because there are usually so many obstacles at the office that having 4 other people to help each other stay on track is great. Also one of the woman is usually the one who brings in baked goodies or has candy on her desk so having her on this journey with us is good because she doesn’t do those things now!
This is the reason why I have joined and quit WW so many times in the past. I have always lost at such a slow rate but I have never lost this slowly before. I also have a good amount to lose so it’s not like I’m just dealing with a pesky 10 pounds here. One of the women in my little group has probably 30 pounds more than me to lose but she’s already lost 18lbs (she started 3 weeks before me)! So I know we all have different amounts to lose and I understand that we’re not going to lose at the same rate but I mean come on!!
I have been very good with tracking and staying on program up until the weekends. We usually have so much going on and are constantly out at someone’s house or out to eat that I try to be good but I don’t do such a good job of tracking everything and I am sure my portions are off. We do get those 49 extra points to use during the week that I tend to use up on the weekends (at least I think I do, not 100% sure since I don’t track 100% on the weekends).
So yeah, I’m probably doing myself a disservice with my lax WW-ness on the weekends. I know I know everyone says the secret to the program is to TRACK EVERYTHING. My leader could tell yesterday that something was up so she came over to talk to me. She’s so super nice. She said that some people actually take a month before they start to see the results. Geez, I never knew that. She offered to look at my food list next meeting… so now I have to be REALLY good and track everything since I have to hand it over in a week!
There is a really nice woman named Becky who I usually sit next to at the meetings. She overheard me talking to the leader and told me about an aqua aerobics class that she’s going to take. She said it’s at the local rec center and she did it last year and really liked it. She said that it starts next week and it’s 6:15-7 and one day a week. I’m not that thrilled about the prospect of getting in a bathing suit and then going into the local pool with a bunch of strangers… I’m not even that thrilled about getting into a bathing suit and going into our backyard pool in front of my husband… but I went home and signed up.
I’m going out to Indian with some girlfriends tonight and I know that if I wasn’t “handing in my homework” in a week I’d be pretty lax on the tracking, maybe not even track or just eyeball it. But today I went online to the restaurant’s website and then compared it to the WW etools and already picked out what I’m going to have so I know the points (Chicken Tikka – 5pts for 4oz, which is a little bigger than my palm). I am leaving myself some points wiggle room for a glass (or two) of wine and then of course it comes with a side basmati rice (3pts for 1/3 cup) which I am sure is not factored into those 5pts.
I need to do this. I need to succeed at this. I feel like at this point, I have no choice. I need to do something that is life changing; I can’t do a quick fix. I have seen that this works. I have met people who have had great success on Weight Watchers. Maybe my body is just all messed up and it’s going to take me longer to lose the weight… seems like the pattern in my life, takes me a lot longer to get to a goal than my peers (hello, infertility).
So maybe this whole thing with my leader looking at my food journal is a good thing because it will force me to be more accountable since clearly just being accountable to me is not enough.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I will succeed.
Friday, August 30, 2013
It's just me, the (secret) sad sack
I've had kind of a tough week. But let me back up a little bit...
7 weeks ago my best friend (since we were 4) told me she was 6 wks pregnant with her second!! She literally told me after she peed on the (3) sticks. She had told her husband (obvi), her mom then me. I felt so honored that she told me even before she went to the doctor. Her simple answer was, "you're my best friend, I need you." She announced on Facebook at 12wks with a super cute pic of her 3 yr old daughter hold the ultrasound pics up high with a "Soon To Be Big Sister" shirt on. It was adorable. She has PCOS and was always told how it was going to be hard for her to get pregnant. Well first month trying... blammo. Pregnant with her daughter (who was born 2 days before our wedding). Her doctor said how it was a fluke and to not expect it to happen again... and wham! Pregnant the 1st month when trying to have the second. I'm so happy for them, they are amazing parents and have really great families.
She got her 12 wk tests back and there was a high marker for Downs Syndrome. She just had more extensive tests last week and has to wait another week for the results and see if she'll need an amnio. I'm asking you all to pray for her, the baby and her family. No matter what this baby will be loved immensely but just praying everything is ok.
On Tuesday I found out that my other close friend is also pregnant with her second child. She is actually due a week after my BFF. This one is a little more bitter sweet because we went off the pill at the same time and were excited to be pregnant together... well she's another one who got pregnant the first month with her son. It took them 6 months to get pregnant with the second, which it still pretty quickly. I didn't think it was going to impact me as much as it has. I think because we both planned to start TTC at the same EXACT time and here she is pregnant with her second miracle and we're still without ours... it's a hard pill to swallow. But... I haven't let anyone know how upset I really am. I finally called my mom and told her today but she's the only one I've really let know how deep this hurts. My husband doesn't even know. I just don't want to be the person who always has a sob story, "oh poor infertile J." The sad sack. No, I can't do that. I was in a really good place with this whole journey before I found out about my friend on Tuesday and I just went into a downward spiral of depression. I paste a happy smile on my face and laugh at all the right jokes (and tell all the right jokes) but when I'm alone I let myself cry. Pathetic. I cry in the car, in the shower... like I said, pathetic. I just need to get myself back to that positive place again. My husband knows something's wrong but I think he's waiting for me to say something. I just don't want this whole infertility thing to consume our relationship. I don't want this to define us as a couple and so far I don't think it has.
So yeah... also, here I am CD43. Yep you read that right... Cycle Day 43. The first day of my last period was July 19th. I have taken 2 tests (one on CD36 and one today) and both negative. No miracle for us this month but I was kind of expecting that... but of course when you pee on that stick you're still holding out hope that it just *might* be positive. I've been seeing the chiropractor/acupuncturist 2x a week since CD14. He is so super nice and his staff is really great. His office is closed next week for vacation and he said when he comes back he wants to try something new. I'm not sure if I screwed my cycle up because I was drinking that FertilitTea, it's screwed up from the fertility meds, or just plain screwed up. I'm also concerned that I didn't ovulate this cycle because I've consistently had a lot of CM (sorry TMI). Today is the first day I've had what I call the "irrational seeing red anger" for no real good reason so I think that AF is on the way. I'm hoping so because I'm looking forward to starting a new cycle with the acupuncture. I will not be drinking that tea this time and we'll see how it goes...
7 weeks ago my best friend (since we were 4) told me she was 6 wks pregnant with her second!! She literally told me after she peed on the (3) sticks. She had told her husband (obvi), her mom then me. I felt so honored that she told me even before she went to the doctor. Her simple answer was, "you're my best friend, I need you." She announced on Facebook at 12wks with a super cute pic of her 3 yr old daughter hold the ultrasound pics up high with a "Soon To Be Big Sister" shirt on. It was adorable. She has PCOS and was always told how it was going to be hard for her to get pregnant. Well first month trying... blammo. Pregnant with her daughter (who was born 2 days before our wedding). Her doctor said how it was a fluke and to not expect it to happen again... and wham! Pregnant the 1st month when trying to have the second. I'm so happy for them, they are amazing parents and have really great families.
She got her 12 wk tests back and there was a high marker for Downs Syndrome. She just had more extensive tests last week and has to wait another week for the results and see if she'll need an amnio. I'm asking you all to pray for her, the baby and her family. No matter what this baby will be loved immensely but just praying everything is ok.
On Tuesday I found out that my other close friend is also pregnant with her second child. She is actually due a week after my BFF. This one is a little more bitter sweet because we went off the pill at the same time and were excited to be pregnant together... well she's another one who got pregnant the first month with her son. It took them 6 months to get pregnant with the second, which it still pretty quickly. I didn't think it was going to impact me as much as it has. I think because we both planned to start TTC at the same EXACT time and here she is pregnant with her second miracle and we're still without ours... it's a hard pill to swallow. But... I haven't let anyone know how upset I really am. I finally called my mom and told her today but she's the only one I've really let know how deep this hurts. My husband doesn't even know. I just don't want to be the person who always has a sob story, "oh poor infertile J." The sad sack. No, I can't do that. I was in a really good place with this whole journey before I found out about my friend on Tuesday and I just went into a downward spiral of depression. I paste a happy smile on my face and laugh at all the right jokes (and tell all the right jokes) but when I'm alone I let myself cry. Pathetic. I cry in the car, in the shower... like I said, pathetic. I just need to get myself back to that positive place again. My husband knows something's wrong but I think he's waiting for me to say something. I just don't want this whole infertility thing to consume our relationship. I don't want this to define us as a couple and so far I don't think it has.
So yeah... also, here I am CD43. Yep you read that right... Cycle Day 43. The first day of my last period was July 19th. I have taken 2 tests (one on CD36 and one today) and both negative. No miracle for us this month but I was kind of expecting that... but of course when you pee on that stick you're still holding out hope that it just *might* be positive. I've been seeing the chiropractor/acupuncturist 2x a week since CD14. He is so super nice and his staff is really great. His office is closed next week for vacation and he said when he comes back he wants to try something new. I'm not sure if I screwed my cycle up because I was drinking that FertilitTea, it's screwed up from the fertility meds, or just plain screwed up. I'm also concerned that I didn't ovulate this cycle because I've consistently had a lot of CM (sorry TMI). Today is the first day I've had what I call the "irrational seeing red anger" for no real good reason so I think that AF is on the way. I'm hoping so because I'm looking forward to starting a new cycle with the acupuncture. I will not be drinking that tea this time and we'll see how it goes...
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