I went to get my blood drawn again on Monday June 10th and yes, my numbers were in the negatives. Duh- I wish I could’ve saved myself the trip because my period started that morning. I looked it up online and because I had IVF the period after the chemical pregnancy was more like a miscarriage. Let me tell you, it was like nothing I had ever experienced. I will save you the gory details just that it was very very very heavy and there was A LOT of stuff. I had very bad cramps and lower back ache but what was really weird was that I also had a lot of pressure in my uterus, which sounds strange but that’s the only way I can describe it. It said online that since I had (2) embryo(s) put in that the body was starting to get ready for a pregnancy because they were fertilized. Then since the cells started to divide and give off the hCG hormone things really started to get ready… but then the cells died.
So, yeah.
As with our first IVF, we’re now waiting for the doctors and embryologists to get together to discuss our case. Good news is that I was able to (kind of) get pregnant. I’m just hoping that they can figure out something new to do that will help me to get all-the-way pregnant. This time I think we have to pay out of pocket, which I know that a lot of couples have to do right from the start. We are very fortunate that we had up until now the insurance coverage that we did. We have to wait and see what kind of costs we are looking at and then at what kind of payment plan they provide.
The thing that really depresses me (obviously besides the not being pregnant thing) is the amount of weight that I have gained since I started on fertility drugs in December 2011. I already had a little bit of extra weight on but now I have another 40 pounds. I kept telling myself that it would be worth it in the end because I would be pregnant but now here we are with 3 IUI’s and 2 IVF’s under our belt (not to mention all the cycles on just clomid) and all I have to show for it is this big butt. I am not, however, going to sit here and completely blame the meds for packing on the pounds. They made me extremely hungry and had me hold onto any extra weight that I put on but they didn’t make me make poor food choices. That is on me.
I have decided that I need to do something while we’re waiting. I can’t keep going the way that I have been. The doctor swears that my weight has nothing to do with me not getting pregnant but I’m sure it doesn’t help. A lot of my friends on Facebook have been talking about the Paleo diet so I ordered “Paleo for Beginners” by John Chatham from Amazon. I should get it on Friday but I have been reading a lot about it online and it looks really interesting. I’m excited and I will of course keep you all posted on my experience. I need something to occupy my time while we’re here in limbo.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Gutted.
I know that some of you have been waiting for this update… I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get this on here but I wanted to wait to get the final outcome, which we did yesterday.
Let me start from about a week ago- Saturday June 1st… I was 8dp3dt (8 days post 3 day transfer). I got up that morning and took a pregnancy test. I had one box left of Clear Blue Easy Digital tests, the ones that say “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant.” I wanted to be able to take a picture of that magic test when we finally saw the words “Pregnant.”
Right away a “Not Pregnant” came up.
Oh crap. I was devastated. I got back in bed and sobbed… the hubs had to leave to go and proctor the SAT’s so he wasn’t able to stay and comfort me for long. After a while I turned to my trusty friend Google…
Oh.
It was too early to test.
Hubs was so mad when I sent him a quick email, “whoops just saw online that it was too early to test!” He was like, “why do you do this to yourself? Please don’t take any more tests; you’re just making yourself so upset. That’s why they are having you come in next week!!”
Fast forward to Tuesday June 4th, 11dp3dt.
I went to the clinic for my blood test. I did not take a pregnancy test that morning. I sat at my desk in my office staring at my phone all day willing it to ring. Finally at 2:45 they called.
I got a positive test! I was pregnant!!
But…
My numbers were really low. Like only a 12 low. Yep. Twelve. They usually like to see at least a 50 but anything over 5 is considered pregnant. The nurse said she has seen a few cases where the patient comes back for their blood test again two days later and the number doubles (they would be looking for at least a 20 or higher). She said that one or both of the embryos could have implanted late and to be “cautiously optimistic.” But she also said that in most cases the numbers start to go down and it’s then what they call a chemical pregnancy.
A chemical pregnancy is when some of the cells of the embryo(s) start to produce the pregnancy hormone hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - which is what the blood test measures). The hCG levels will continue to double every 72 hours finally reaching its peak between 8-11 weeks of pregnancy where they level off at some where close to 300,000. They will slowly start to go down as the baby develops and at about 40 weeks gestation it could be around 117,000 (these numbers are just an approximation, I am sure there are many women out there who have had nothing close to this but this just to give you an idea).
I spent the rest of Tuesday and all of Wednesday praying. Praying my fanny off. Talking to the embryo(s) and telling it/they how much we want them, how much we have prayed for them… about the wonderful life it/they would have if it/they would just hang on and grow…
Thursday morning I woke up and had the brilliant idea to take another test.
Not Pregnant.
Ugh. That probably wasn’t the best idea. I was, once again devastated. The hubs had already left for work so I was alone in my grief. I sobbed in the shower. I just sat on the floor letting the water spray on my back and just let go. I then went back onto the trusty internet and saw that women who have IVF really should not take hpt’s (home pregnancy tests) because they only read very high hormone levels (especially the digital brand I had) and that they are very unreliable in these cases.
Oh.
Well.
Maybe there was still chance? Maybe there was a chance that we would get our miracle and later I’ll laugh about how silly I was with all my crying antics in the shower.
I went to get my blood test (14dp3dt), went to work with a little bit of doubt but was trying to be super hopeful. This could work. This could be it. I was currently pregnant. I was exhausted all the time, starving all the time and my breasts were “fuller” and killing me… they also looked like a road map with all the blue veins that seems to have come to the surface (a huge pregnancy sign). But it could also be from the hormones in the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) shots that hubs had been giving me in the upper butt area since the day after the retrieval.
At 1:50 my phone rang and my heart went into my throat. I thought it must be good news since it was so much earlier than the last time they called.
It wasn’t.
My number was now an 11. The nurse said that since it didn’t go up but instead started to go down that it was, in fact, a chemical pregnancy. I need to come in on Monday June 10th for another blood test to make sure my numbers were back down to negative. She said the doctor needed to meet with the rest of the team and that he will call to let me know the next steps.
I think I said, “thank you” and hung up the phone. I tried to start to get back to work, tried to tell myself that I had taken a test that morning so obviously I knew the outcome and this shouldn’t be such a surprise.
It then came apparent to me that I needed to go home. I needed to get the heck out of there and go home and just let myself grieve. I dashed a quick email to my boss and power walked to my jeep. I started hyper ventilating the second I closed the door. I took a few deep breaths and somehow was able to start the car and go. I kept whispering “Oh my God” and “I can’t believe that just happened” over and over again. I never turned on the radio, just sat there trying to calmly breathe and make it home. I finally pulled into our garage, shut off the car and as the garage door started to roll close I lost it. I screamed with everything I had in my heart. I beat the staring wheel. I cursed everyone and everything.
I just don’t understand why God put this intense desire in my heart to have a child/ren for my whole life and it just seems so unattainable. Why is this so hard? Why are we the couple that can’t conceive? What kind of crappy karma was I working with here? I started to cry harder when I thought about how unfair this all is to my husband. He would make such an amazing dad. I feel broken. I feel unwomanly. We have been going through this for 2 and a half years. Countless doctors’ appointments, medications, self-injections, surgeries, extremely invasive and intrusive procedures… and all I have to show for it is knack for giving myself an injection and 40 extra pounds. Yep that’s the ugly truth; I have gained 40 pounds since I started on all this fertility medication. I kept telling myself that it would all be worth it when I was finally pregnant but here we are at the end of what our insurance would cover and I was still not pregnant but I am the heaviest I have ever been.
At this point I don’t know what we’re going to do. The hubs and I had a long talk last night and we’re going to hear what the doctor has to say but maybe we’ll just take a break for a little while. I have this irrational fear that every day I’m getting older and that my time is running out but honestly I don’t know if I can jump right back into this again. This last IVF cycle was 2 ½ months and it was a long and terrifying journey. I know that if we end up doing this again I’ll be a little more at ease because I’ll know what to expect but at this point we don’t even know what, if any, insurance coverage we have left. I know that it won’t cover it 100% like it has been (and I know how lucky we have been for that) but I’m not sure if it will now cover anything and I’m not sure if we can even afford to pay for this out of pocket.
We’re going to have to take this one day at a time. Actually at this moment I’m going to have to take it one hour at a time. I am technically still pregnant until my numbers go down past 5. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
We were just soooo close this time.
Let me start from about a week ago- Saturday June 1st… I was 8dp3dt (8 days post 3 day transfer). I got up that morning and took a pregnancy test. I had one box left of Clear Blue Easy Digital tests, the ones that say “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant.” I wanted to be able to take a picture of that magic test when we finally saw the words “Pregnant.”
Right away a “Not Pregnant” came up.
Oh crap. I was devastated. I got back in bed and sobbed… the hubs had to leave to go and proctor the SAT’s so he wasn’t able to stay and comfort me for long. After a while I turned to my trusty friend Google…
Oh.
It was too early to test.
Hubs was so mad when I sent him a quick email, “whoops just saw online that it was too early to test!” He was like, “why do you do this to yourself? Please don’t take any more tests; you’re just making yourself so upset. That’s why they are having you come in next week!!”
Fast forward to Tuesday June 4th, 11dp3dt.
I went to the clinic for my blood test. I did not take a pregnancy test that morning. I sat at my desk in my office staring at my phone all day willing it to ring. Finally at 2:45 they called.
I got a positive test! I was pregnant!!
But…
My numbers were really low. Like only a 12 low. Yep. Twelve. They usually like to see at least a 50 but anything over 5 is considered pregnant. The nurse said she has seen a few cases where the patient comes back for their blood test again two days later and the number doubles (they would be looking for at least a 20 or higher). She said that one or both of the embryos could have implanted late and to be “cautiously optimistic.” But she also said that in most cases the numbers start to go down and it’s then what they call a chemical pregnancy.
A chemical pregnancy is when some of the cells of the embryo(s) start to produce the pregnancy hormone hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - which is what the blood test measures). The hCG levels will continue to double every 72 hours finally reaching its peak between 8-11 weeks of pregnancy where they level off at some where close to 300,000. They will slowly start to go down as the baby develops and at about 40 weeks gestation it could be around 117,000 (these numbers are just an approximation, I am sure there are many women out there who have had nothing close to this but this just to give you an idea).
I spent the rest of Tuesday and all of Wednesday praying. Praying my fanny off. Talking to the embryo(s) and telling it/they how much we want them, how much we have prayed for them… about the wonderful life it/they would have if it/they would just hang on and grow…
Thursday morning I woke up and had the brilliant idea to take another test.
Not Pregnant.
Ugh. That probably wasn’t the best idea. I was, once again devastated. The hubs had already left for work so I was alone in my grief. I sobbed in the shower. I just sat on the floor letting the water spray on my back and just let go. I then went back onto the trusty internet and saw that women who have IVF really should not take hpt’s (home pregnancy tests) because they only read very high hormone levels (especially the digital brand I had) and that they are very unreliable in these cases.
Oh.
Well.
Maybe there was still chance? Maybe there was a chance that we would get our miracle and later I’ll laugh about how silly I was with all my crying antics in the shower.
I went to get my blood test (14dp3dt), went to work with a little bit of doubt but was trying to be super hopeful. This could work. This could be it. I was currently pregnant. I was exhausted all the time, starving all the time and my breasts were “fuller” and killing me… they also looked like a road map with all the blue veins that seems to have come to the surface (a huge pregnancy sign). But it could also be from the hormones in the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) shots that hubs had been giving me in the upper butt area since the day after the retrieval.
At 1:50 my phone rang and my heart went into my throat. I thought it must be good news since it was so much earlier than the last time they called.
It wasn’t.
My number was now an 11. The nurse said that since it didn’t go up but instead started to go down that it was, in fact, a chemical pregnancy. I need to come in on Monday June 10th for another blood test to make sure my numbers were back down to negative. She said the doctor needed to meet with the rest of the team and that he will call to let me know the next steps.
I think I said, “thank you” and hung up the phone. I tried to start to get back to work, tried to tell myself that I had taken a test that morning so obviously I knew the outcome and this shouldn’t be such a surprise.
It then came apparent to me that I needed to go home. I needed to get the heck out of there and go home and just let myself grieve. I dashed a quick email to my boss and power walked to my jeep. I started hyper ventilating the second I closed the door. I took a few deep breaths and somehow was able to start the car and go. I kept whispering “Oh my God” and “I can’t believe that just happened” over and over again. I never turned on the radio, just sat there trying to calmly breathe and make it home. I finally pulled into our garage, shut off the car and as the garage door started to roll close I lost it. I screamed with everything I had in my heart. I beat the staring wheel. I cursed everyone and everything.
I just don’t understand why God put this intense desire in my heart to have a child/ren for my whole life and it just seems so unattainable. Why is this so hard? Why are we the couple that can’t conceive? What kind of crappy karma was I working with here? I started to cry harder when I thought about how unfair this all is to my husband. He would make such an amazing dad. I feel broken. I feel unwomanly. We have been going through this for 2 and a half years. Countless doctors’ appointments, medications, self-injections, surgeries, extremely invasive and intrusive procedures… and all I have to show for it is knack for giving myself an injection and 40 extra pounds. Yep that’s the ugly truth; I have gained 40 pounds since I started on all this fertility medication. I kept telling myself that it would all be worth it when I was finally pregnant but here we are at the end of what our insurance would cover and I was still not pregnant but I am the heaviest I have ever been.
At this point I don’t know what we’re going to do. The hubs and I had a long talk last night and we’re going to hear what the doctor has to say but maybe we’ll just take a break for a little while. I have this irrational fear that every day I’m getting older and that my time is running out but honestly I don’t know if I can jump right back into this again. This last IVF cycle was 2 ½ months and it was a long and terrifying journey. I know that if we end up doing this again I’ll be a little more at ease because I’ll know what to expect but at this point we don’t even know what, if any, insurance coverage we have left. I know that it won’t cover it 100% like it has been (and I know how lucky we have been for that) but I’m not sure if it will now cover anything and I’m not sure if we can even afford to pay for this out of pocket.
We’re going to have to take this one day at a time. Actually at this moment I’m going to have to take it one hour at a time. I am technically still pregnant until my numbers go down past 5. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
We were just soooo close this time.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
2dp3dt
2dp3dt… that means 2 Days Post 3 Day Transfer. I’m still in bed. I know I know - there is no documented proof that being on bed rest for any length of time will help these magic beans stick but it makes me feel better. So here I am, day three in bed. (day of transfer, yesterday and today). The center said I only had to stay off my feet for two days but I am staying in bed one more day (and maybe tomorrow since it’s Memorial Day). I’d stay in bed until the pregnancy test if I thought it would help. Haha. I’m also not feeling that well and I believe it’s because of the progesterone in oil (PIO - the hubs has to give me a shot in the upper butt area every night until I have the pregnancy test on June 4th).
At first I thought I might have OHSS(ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) meaning that my ovaries were getting bigger and they could, worst case scenario, burst. But I didn’t have a fever and I hadn’t gained an unusual amount of weight in a short length of time. So of course I turned to my friend… Google.
Well well well… after my search I learned that how I was feeling may very well be from the PIO. Almost crippling stomach cramps, constipation, nausea and my nipples are so sore that even my shirt brushing against them sends a shock of pain. Fun times. But if this is what I need to go through for this pregnancy to happen then I will do what ever it takes.
I have been laying in bed catching up with the many items on my DVR and obsessing over pregnancy, babies, and child care items on Pinterst. Man that site is addicting! I also haven’t been able to stop staring at my ultrasound and the pic of the magic beans before they were transferred. I talk to them a lot, telling them how much we love them and how much we want them. I even have been dreaming about being pregnant and decorating the nursery… as of now it’s just a mostly empty room that we haven’t done anything with because “it will be the nursery someday.”
Praying that the magic bean(s) stick… please God please.
At first I thought I might have OHSS(ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) meaning that my ovaries were getting bigger and they could, worst case scenario, burst. But I didn’t have a fever and I hadn’t gained an unusual amount of weight in a short length of time. So of course I turned to my friend… Google.
Well well well… after my search I learned that how I was feeling may very well be from the PIO. Almost crippling stomach cramps, constipation, nausea and my nipples are so sore that even my shirt brushing against them sends a shock of pain. Fun times. But if this is what I need to go through for this pregnancy to happen then I will do what ever it takes.
I have been laying in bed catching up with the many items on my DVR and obsessing over pregnancy, babies, and child care items on Pinterst. Man that site is addicting! I also haven’t been able to stop staring at my ultrasound and the pic of the magic beans before they were transferred. I talk to them a lot, telling them how much we love them and how much we want them. I even have been dreaming about being pregnant and decorating the nursery… as of now it’s just a mostly empty room that we haven’t done anything with because “it will be the nursery someday.”
Praying that the magic bean(s) stick… please God please.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Embryo Transfer Day!
Friday morning I got the call while at my office.… this was the call that I was both dreading and hoping for. This was the call that last time the doctor, instead of the nurse, called and told us that the embryos didn’t survive. As soon as I heard Nurse Roberta and not Dr. B I knew it was ok. She told me I had to come in that morning at 11:00 for the embryo transfer - that we were going to be transferring 2 embryos on day 3!!
THAT DAY! It was really happening!!
I was so excited! I emailed the hubs- I can’t call him because he’s a high school teacher. I told him he didn’t need to take the day off because we weren’t 100% sure if it was going to be a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer. In hindsight I wish he was there but I wouldn’t tell him that now, I know he feels bad that he wasn’t.
They said that I needed to have a full bladder for the transfer, that they will be able to see the uterus and be able to place the embryos a lot easier that way. Anyone who knows me knows that I constantly have to pee. I drink a lot of water, tea, decaf coffee… there are always at least 2 different beverages on my desk at work (non-alcoholic obvi, lol)
I got to the center and they had me go into the same area where I had the retrieval. I was led into the same changing room where I put on the two hospital gowns (one as a robe) and the super fashionable slipper socks. I went to the small waiting area to wait for the doctor to come and talk to me about how the embryos were doing and the progress of the other ones.
But… there was an emergency with another patient and the doctor had to go and do a scan on another floor. So I had to wait, which is normally no big deal but when you have a full bladder…
It was torture.
One of the nurses asked me if I wanted to relieve my bladder a little bit but I was afraid if I went a little bit I wouldn’t be able to stop and I’d just empty the whole thing. So I said I’d wait.
Thirty minutes later the doctor came. He sat with me and explained that we were going to be transferring 2 embryos. That they were Grade B and a 9 cell and 10 cell. I learned later from my Google search that the optimum cell count for a day 3 transfer are 7-10 calls. Grade B, although not an A, was still very good. They had fertilized all the embryos with ICIS and they had done “assisted hatching” on the two they were going to implant. I was told to be “cautiously optimistic.” (ICIS is when they inject the sperm into the egg instead of just putting the sperm and egg into a petri dish and letting nature take it’s course. Assisted hatching is when they make small cuts in the egg to, well, assist in it implanting into the uterus.)
Here they are… how freakin’ cool is this?
World, meet Magic Bean #1 and Magic Bean #2!!
I can’t believe I got this picture. I haven’t stopped staring at them.
Then came the bad news.
None of the other embryos survived. Out of the 13 that were fertilized we only had 2 left- the other 11 started to die the day before. This was when I really wished the hubs was there to hold my hand. The two we had left looked really good but they wanted to do the day 3 transfer versus the day 5 because they didn’t want to take the chance of one, or both, of them dying before the 5th day. I was so stunned.
This is it. This is our one chance. No extra embryos to freeze to try again.
Of course… I started crying. Ugh me and the water works- I‘d like to blame it on the hormones but let‘s be honest, it‘s not. I just have to be positive that this is going to work. I just have to be positive that these two little magic beans inside me are going to stick - one or both of them. We’re ok with twins… triplets… well we’d have to figure that out if that’s what happened. But for right now we’re focusing on the magic beans inside me at this moment.
So let me back up as to how these little magic beans got into my uterus.
After I talked with the doctor they led me into the same procedure room where I had the retrieval. I was still crying (of course) and the nurses and the doctor were just so sweet. I think it takes a special group of people to work with someone going through IF and I am so happy we are at this center. Anyway, they had me lay on the weird table with the leg holders so I was once again laying there spread eagle with my lady parts on display for the world to see. Except this time I didn’t get some magic stuff to make me sleep. Instead the bed shifted so that my legs were higher than my head- my business was now, literally, in the doctors face. Like I said before, a special group of people.
There is a bumper sticker on the ceiling that says BREATHE and I focused on that. I know that the doctor and nurses were talking to me about how it only takes one embryo and how the two we have look pretty good. But at that point I just needed to focus on breathing, on calming down and praying that we are granted a miracle.
They used the ultrasound on my abdomen as they put the speculum in to open my cervix to allow the catheter to go all the way into my uterus (kind of like an IUI except with an ultrasound and longer and thicker catheter- I believe). The nurse and doctor both said, “wow look at that bladder! You win the prize for having the fullest bladder today!“ I wanted to say, “yeah no kidding I‘m about to pee on this table in a minute.”
Before I knew it, they were done. The doctor showed me an ultrasound photo of the two little magic beans…
…see that white line there? That is the fluid that the embryos are in- right there in my uterus. Magic beans growwww!!!
They wheeled me to the recovery area where my head was lower than my feet and I had to lay there for 35 minutes. They said, “how are you feeling?” I said, “incredibly uncomfortable because my bladder is so full.” Then they said the most beautiful words…
“would you like a bedpan?”
Oh my goodness I cannot even tell you the gloriousness of relieving my bladder. It was the best pee of my entire life. Have you ever been on a long car trip when you have to pee really bad and you finally get to your destination and run to the bathroom and it’s like… “ohmygeeee ahhhhhhh”…? Well multiple that by 5 because I went in there with a full bladder, had to wait an extra 40 minutes, then had an ultrasound wand pushing on it. If they do not offer you a bedpan after your transfer and you have to really pee - believe me ladies, do yourself a favor and ask for a bedpan. Do not be shy - they are all medical professionals and I am sure that people are peeing in bedpans around them all the time. Remember you have to lay there for 35 minutes and the time will crawl if you are about to pee your pants.
After the 35 minutes, they let me go to the bathroom (yeah had to pee again after I filled the bedpan) and get dressed. When I was getting ready to leave Nurse Roberta said, “now remember be cautiously optimistic. Those are good looking embryos. I’ll be praying for you.” I whispered, “thank you” because I was tearing up again, and made my way home.
I have been laying in bed ever since. I emailed the hubs from my phone while I was in recovery and told him about the other embryos. He left work early and got home shortly after I did. I’ve read that you don’t have to stay on bed rest, as long as you stay off your feet the day of the transfer then it should be fine. But we’re in a long Memorial Day weekend here and I will lay in this bed 4 days if it will help. I will lay in this bed until my June 4th test date if I thought it helped - but of course I will be going to work on Tuesday J
THAT DAY! It was really happening!!
I was so excited! I emailed the hubs- I can’t call him because he’s a high school teacher. I told him he didn’t need to take the day off because we weren’t 100% sure if it was going to be a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer. In hindsight I wish he was there but I wouldn’t tell him that now, I know he feels bad that he wasn’t.
They said that I needed to have a full bladder for the transfer, that they will be able to see the uterus and be able to place the embryos a lot easier that way. Anyone who knows me knows that I constantly have to pee. I drink a lot of water, tea, decaf coffee… there are always at least 2 different beverages on my desk at work (non-alcoholic obvi, lol)
I got to the center and they had me go into the same area where I had the retrieval. I was led into the same changing room where I put on the two hospital gowns (one as a robe) and the super fashionable slipper socks. I went to the small waiting area to wait for the doctor to come and talk to me about how the embryos were doing and the progress of the other ones.
But… there was an emergency with another patient and the doctor had to go and do a scan on another floor. So I had to wait, which is normally no big deal but when you have a full bladder…
It was torture.
One of the nurses asked me if I wanted to relieve my bladder a little bit but I was afraid if I went a little bit I wouldn’t be able to stop and I’d just empty the whole thing. So I said I’d wait.
Thirty minutes later the doctor came. He sat with me and explained that we were going to be transferring 2 embryos. That they were Grade B and a 9 cell and 10 cell. I learned later from my Google search that the optimum cell count for a day 3 transfer are 7-10 calls. Grade B, although not an A, was still very good. They had fertilized all the embryos with ICIS and they had done “assisted hatching” on the two they were going to implant. I was told to be “cautiously optimistic.” (ICIS is when they inject the sperm into the egg instead of just putting the sperm and egg into a petri dish and letting nature take it’s course. Assisted hatching is when they make small cuts in the egg to, well, assist in it implanting into the uterus.)
Here they are… how freakin’ cool is this?
World, meet Magic Bean #1 and Magic Bean #2!!
I can’t believe I got this picture. I haven’t stopped staring at them.
Then came the bad news.
None of the other embryos survived. Out of the 13 that were fertilized we only had 2 left- the other 11 started to die the day before. This was when I really wished the hubs was there to hold my hand. The two we had left looked really good but they wanted to do the day 3 transfer versus the day 5 because they didn’t want to take the chance of one, or both, of them dying before the 5th day. I was so stunned.
This is it. This is our one chance. No extra embryos to freeze to try again.
Of course… I started crying. Ugh me and the water works- I‘d like to blame it on the hormones but let‘s be honest, it‘s not. I just have to be positive that this is going to work. I just have to be positive that these two little magic beans inside me are going to stick - one or both of them. We’re ok with twins… triplets… well we’d have to figure that out if that’s what happened. But for right now we’re focusing on the magic beans inside me at this moment.
So let me back up as to how these little magic beans got into my uterus.
After I talked with the doctor they led me into the same procedure room where I had the retrieval. I was still crying (of course) and the nurses and the doctor were just so sweet. I think it takes a special group of people to work with someone going through IF and I am so happy we are at this center. Anyway, they had me lay on the weird table with the leg holders so I was once again laying there spread eagle with my lady parts on display for the world to see. Except this time I didn’t get some magic stuff to make me sleep. Instead the bed shifted so that my legs were higher than my head- my business was now, literally, in the doctors face. Like I said before, a special group of people.
There is a bumper sticker on the ceiling that says BREATHE and I focused on that. I know that the doctor and nurses were talking to me about how it only takes one embryo and how the two we have look pretty good. But at that point I just needed to focus on breathing, on calming down and praying that we are granted a miracle.
They used the ultrasound on my abdomen as they put the speculum in to open my cervix to allow the catheter to go all the way into my uterus (kind of like an IUI except with an ultrasound and longer and thicker catheter- I believe). The nurse and doctor both said, “wow look at that bladder! You win the prize for having the fullest bladder today!“ I wanted to say, “yeah no kidding I‘m about to pee on this table in a minute.”
Before I knew it, they were done. The doctor showed me an ultrasound photo of the two little magic beans…
…see that white line there? That is the fluid that the embryos are in- right there in my uterus. Magic beans growwww!!!
They wheeled me to the recovery area where my head was lower than my feet and I had to lay there for 35 minutes. They said, “how are you feeling?” I said, “incredibly uncomfortable because my bladder is so full.” Then they said the most beautiful words…
“would you like a bedpan?”
Oh my goodness I cannot even tell you the gloriousness of relieving my bladder. It was the best pee of my entire life. Have you ever been on a long car trip when you have to pee really bad and you finally get to your destination and run to the bathroom and it’s like… “ohmygeeee ahhhhhhh”…? Well multiple that by 5 because I went in there with a full bladder, had to wait an extra 40 minutes, then had an ultrasound wand pushing on it. If they do not offer you a bedpan after your transfer and you have to really pee - believe me ladies, do yourself a favor and ask for a bedpan. Do not be shy - they are all medical professionals and I am sure that people are peeing in bedpans around them all the time. Remember you have to lay there for 35 minutes and the time will crawl if you are about to pee your pants.
After the 35 minutes, they let me go to the bathroom (yeah had to pee again after I filled the bedpan) and get dressed. When I was getting ready to leave Nurse Roberta said, “now remember be cautiously optimistic. Those are good looking embryos. I’ll be praying for you.” I whispered, “thank you” because I was tearing up again, and made my way home.
I have been laying in bed ever since. I emailed the hubs from my phone while I was in recovery and told him about the other embryos. He left work early and got home shortly after I did. I’ve read that you don’t have to stay on bed rest, as long as you stay off your feet the day of the transfer then it should be fine. But we’re in a long Memorial Day weekend here and I will lay in this bed 4 days if it will help. I will lay in this bed until my June 4th test date if I thought it helped - but of course I will be going to work on Tuesday J
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
The Numbers...
The nurse called today...
20 eggs obtained, 19 were mature and 13 were fertilized! Whoa mama!!!
Our numbers last time were 18 obtained, 17 mature and 10 fertilized. Now we wait for Friday morning for the nurse to call and let us know which day we come in. Thinking positive and trying to have faith in the doctors and their team that they figured out the best plan for us this time and we will have some super healthy embryos...
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Egg Retrival Day!
Last update I said that I was going for another ultrasound and blood work on Sunday. Well on Sunday they told me I had 15 follicles on the right and 10 on the left... whoa.
15 + 10 = 25.
Holy moly.
That explains why my abdomen looks like I'm 5 months pregnant and I am so... so... SO uncomfortable. My lining is also at a 9 which is absolutely amazing! Prior to the hysteroscopy surgery on my uterus in January the best it ever was was a 6.8mm. For an IUI they ideally would like for it to be at a 7 and for IVF they hope for at least an 8. Sunday it was a 9mm. It grows about 1-2mm a day. It's also a "triple stripe" lining, which I have never had before. I have googled "triple stripe lining" and I cannot find what it means, only that it is what is needed for IVF and indicates the it is the optimal lining thickness for embryo implantation. If anyone can tell me what a "triple stripe lining" means that would be great! Haha!
Anyway, so on Sunday they told me that the ER would be on Tuesday and that I should do the trigger shot (HCG) on Sunday evening. They also said that I should accompany the HCG shot with a 450iu shot of Follistem. Yowza!
This morning (Tuesday) I woke up at 5am with very intense ovulation pains. I never felt that before being on the fertility drugs but with 25 follicles releasing 25 eggs... ouch. It's hard to explain the actual feeling it was just intense.
The ER is a surgery so no eating or drinking since midnight. We went to the clinic this morning for 7:45 am.
(Please keep in mind that this is my experience and it may be different at other clinics)
I went into the surgery center by myself while my hubs went into a separate room to give his sample. They had me take off all my clothing and put on a hospital gown facing backwards and then another one as a robe. I also had to put on a cap to cover my hair. Fast forward through signing paperwork and confirming date of births and social security numbers for the hubs and myself. I started to get very nervous... when I get nervous I break out in a blotchy red rash on my chest and neck... and then I cry. Yep. Big fat tears rolling down my face and I just couldn't stop it. Gah. It's just an overwhelming thing, this whole process is terribly overwhelming and then with losing all of the embryos last time... I was just scared because so much is on the line here. This is it. This is the final dance. This is the final IVF that our insurance covers and I am unsure if this is something that we can afford to do again if it doesn't work out.
But... no pressure right?
The staff thought I was nervous and concerned about the surgery so the nurses and anesthesiologist were very sweet and trying to console me... but I was so choked up that I couldn't explain to them that I wasn't scared about the surgery I was scared about losing all of the embryos again like last time. The surgery, no biggie.
After I got the IV in my arm they lead me into an operating room. The end of the bed is gone and in it's place are holders for my legs because, obviously, they have to get to my ovaries and how they get there is through my va-jay-jay. They positioned me on the bed with my legs spread eagle (I'm covered up at this point but I am sure not for long). The anesthesiologist gave me some magic stuff in my IV...
...and I woke up 30 minutes later in recovery.
I had some cramping/pain. They gave me some medicine to help with the pain and my hubs came in to sit with me. They told us that they got 20 eggs! Even though I had 25 follicles they were not able to get to them all. They go through the wall of my uterus to my ovaries and some of the follices were unreachable. I was there in recovery for about 45 minutes and then we went home. I slept for 4 hours and have been a couch potato all day.
I'll go back to work tomorrow and wait for them to call in the morning to let me now how many eggs were mature and how many were fertilized. Then they will call on Friday morning and let us know if we will do the transfer that day or wait until Sunday. That was the phone call last time where they told us that the embryos didn't survive. I'm going to try and be as positive and optimistic... but...
Please God.
Please.
15 + 10 = 25.
Holy moly.
That explains why my abdomen looks like I'm 5 months pregnant and I am so... so... SO uncomfortable. My lining is also at a 9 which is absolutely amazing! Prior to the hysteroscopy surgery on my uterus in January the best it ever was was a 6.8mm. For an IUI they ideally would like for it to be at a 7 and for IVF they hope for at least an 8. Sunday it was a 9mm. It grows about 1-2mm a day. It's also a "triple stripe" lining, which I have never had before. I have googled "triple stripe lining" and I cannot find what it means, only that it is what is needed for IVF and indicates the it is the optimal lining thickness for embryo implantation. If anyone can tell me what a "triple stripe lining" means that would be great! Haha!
Anyway, so on Sunday they told me that the ER would be on Tuesday and that I should do the trigger shot (HCG) on Sunday evening. They also said that I should accompany the HCG shot with a 450iu shot of Follistem. Yowza!
This morning (Tuesday) I woke up at 5am with very intense ovulation pains. I never felt that before being on the fertility drugs but with 25 follicles releasing 25 eggs... ouch. It's hard to explain the actual feeling it was just intense.
The ER is a surgery so no eating or drinking since midnight. We went to the clinic this morning for 7:45 am.
(Please keep in mind that this is my experience and it may be different at other clinics)
I went into the surgery center by myself while my hubs went into a separate room to give his sample. They had me take off all my clothing and put on a hospital gown facing backwards and then another one as a robe. I also had to put on a cap to cover my hair. Fast forward through signing paperwork and confirming date of births and social security numbers for the hubs and myself. I started to get very nervous... when I get nervous I break out in a blotchy red rash on my chest and neck... and then I cry. Yep. Big fat tears rolling down my face and I just couldn't stop it. Gah. It's just an overwhelming thing, this whole process is terribly overwhelming and then with losing all of the embryos last time... I was just scared because so much is on the line here. This is it. This is the final dance. This is the final IVF that our insurance covers and I am unsure if this is something that we can afford to do again if it doesn't work out.
But... no pressure right?
The staff thought I was nervous and concerned about the surgery so the nurses and anesthesiologist were very sweet and trying to console me... but I was so choked up that I couldn't explain to them that I wasn't scared about the surgery I was scared about losing all of the embryos again like last time. The surgery, no biggie.
After I got the IV in my arm they lead me into an operating room. The end of the bed is gone and in it's place are holders for my legs because, obviously, they have to get to my ovaries and how they get there is through my va-jay-jay. They positioned me on the bed with my legs spread eagle (I'm covered up at this point but I am sure not for long). The anesthesiologist gave me some magic stuff in my IV...
...and I woke up 30 minutes later in recovery.
I had some cramping/pain. They gave me some medicine to help with the pain and my hubs came in to sit with me. They told us that they got 20 eggs! Even though I had 25 follicles they were not able to get to them all. They go through the wall of my uterus to my ovaries and some of the follices were unreachable. I was there in recovery for about 45 minutes and then we went home. I slept for 4 hours and have been a couch potato all day.
I'll go back to work tomorrow and wait for them to call in the morning to let me now how many eggs were mature and how many were fertilized. Then they will call on Friday morning and let us know if we will do the transfer that day or wait until Sunday. That was the phone call last time where they told us that the embryos didn't survive. I'm going to try and be as positive and optimistic... but...
Please God.
Please.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Cycle Day 9 - day 8 of stims...
I had my 2nd ultrasound along with blood work this morning since starting the stim meds. The first one on Wednesday wasn’t very exciting so nothing really to report then, lol. Today is CD9 (cycle day) and last IVF they had me trigger on CD9- meaning they had me give myself the shot that forces ovulation and then the ER (egg retrieval) was the next day. This time they are having me go more slowly because I responded very quickly to the meds last time and they think that my eggs may have been too mature. Dr. B said there looks to be 15-20 follicles that are growing (squeee!). My uterine lining is at a 7.6 (optimal is at least an 8) and everything is progressing as it should. I go back on Sunday (CD11) for another ultrasound and blood test. Dr. B said this morning that if he had to guess he thinks the ER would be either Wednesday or Thursday of next week (CD14 or 15). I’m waiting to hear from the nurses this afternoon to see if there is a change in my meds. So far this is what I have been doing:
5iu (International Units) of Lupron. This is what my meds look like – please keep in mind they yours could look different.
Using the syringe in draw back 5iu of air, put it into the plunger of the vial and release the air in there. Then I draw back 5iu of the liquid. The needle is very small but I still ice my stomach before I inject it.
Next is 75iu of Menupor.
This one has 2 vials. One is filled with liquid (saline maybe?) and the other a power form of the medication. This is kept in the refrigerator. I put that plastic cap on the end of the syringe (it’s already on the syringe in the picture) and draw back 1iu of air. Then using the cap (it has a sharp end) I click it onto the top of the vial with the liquid and inject the air. I draw back 1iu of liquid and immediately throw the vial with the liquid away. I then switch out the cap for a needle and inject the liquid into the vial with the powder (I throw away the liquid vial because now that the powder is dissolved into the liquid they look very much alike). I draw ALL of the now dissolved powder into the syringe. This needle is small but it might be a little thicker so I use the ice to numb my stomach before I inject it.
Last but not least is the 150iu of Follistem.
This was the only medication I was on last IVF as well as the 2 IUI’s I did with injectable meds. This one is very simple. It comes in this handy case with a “pen” application. The vials are separate and this medication also needs to be refrigerated. You put the vial in- it’s long and skinny and I just keep it in the “pen” until the vial is empty and I need to put a new one in. Screw the pen top on and you turn the dial on the bottom to the number you need, in my case 150. The needle is very thin – you can hardly see it in the photo. So I usually just pinch the skin on my stomach and stick it in without ice. There is a button at the bottom of the “pen” that you slowly push to dispense the meds. Easy peasy.
I want to explain everything that I’m doing and what I’m going through because when I did the first IVF I was unable to find a blog that told me everything that was going to happen. Of course the blogs I found were wonderful to read on experiences and the emotional aspect of this journey but I wanted someone to tell me what I was going to expect and what I could possibly have to do. What are all these meds they are sending me and what the heck am I supposed to do with them? Of course the nurse sits down with you and goes over everything but I wanted to know NOW not when I was at the appropriate part of my cycle, haha. Knowledge is power and I feel like if I know what I’m going to expect then I’m more relaxed about it… I think that’s why I don’t have that much anxiety about this second IVF because I did it once before and I kind of know what’s going to happen – even though so far all medication protocol is completely different than what I did before.
I just got a call from the nurse and all the meds stay the same – my estrogen is 999, which I’m guessing is good (I’ll have to consult Dr. Google). So I go back in on Sunday and we’ll see what happens then
5iu (International Units) of Lupron. This is what my meds look like – please keep in mind they yours could look different.
Using the syringe in draw back 5iu of air, put it into the plunger of the vial and release the air in there. Then I draw back 5iu of the liquid. The needle is very small but I still ice my stomach before I inject it.
Next is 75iu of Menupor.
This one has 2 vials. One is filled with liquid (saline maybe?) and the other a power form of the medication. This is kept in the refrigerator. I put that plastic cap on the end of the syringe (it’s already on the syringe in the picture) and draw back 1iu of air. Then using the cap (it has a sharp end) I click it onto the top of the vial with the liquid and inject the air. I draw back 1iu of liquid and immediately throw the vial with the liquid away. I then switch out the cap for a needle and inject the liquid into the vial with the powder (I throw away the liquid vial because now that the powder is dissolved into the liquid they look very much alike). I draw ALL of the now dissolved powder into the syringe. This needle is small but it might be a little thicker so I use the ice to numb my stomach before I inject it.
Last but not least is the 150iu of Follistem.
This was the only medication I was on last IVF as well as the 2 IUI’s I did with injectable meds. This one is very simple. It comes in this handy case with a “pen” application. The vials are separate and this medication also needs to be refrigerated. You put the vial in- it’s long and skinny and I just keep it in the “pen” until the vial is empty and I need to put a new one in. Screw the pen top on and you turn the dial on the bottom to the number you need, in my case 150. The needle is very thin – you can hardly see it in the photo. So I usually just pinch the skin on my stomach and stick it in without ice. There is a button at the bottom of the “pen” that you slowly push to dispense the meds. Easy peasy.
I want to explain everything that I’m doing and what I’m going through because when I did the first IVF I was unable to find a blog that told me everything that was going to happen. Of course the blogs I found were wonderful to read on experiences and the emotional aspect of this journey but I wanted someone to tell me what I was going to expect and what I could possibly have to do. What are all these meds they are sending me and what the heck am I supposed to do with them? Of course the nurse sits down with you and goes over everything but I wanted to know NOW not when I was at the appropriate part of my cycle, haha. Knowledge is power and I feel like if I know what I’m going to expect then I’m more relaxed about it… I think that’s why I don’t have that much anxiety about this second IVF because I did it once before and I kind of know what’s going to happen – even though so far all medication protocol is completely different than what I did before.
I just got a call from the nurse and all the meds stay the same – my estrogen is 999, which I’m guessing is good (I’ll have to consult Dr. Google). So I go back in on Sunday and we’ll see what happens then
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