Infertility is a depressing and lonely thing and unless you've gone through it you don't really understand. But even if you are unfortunate enough to experience IF I feel like once you achieve the long sought after "+" on the pee stick all the trials and tribulations of getting there become a distant memory. I don't want my friends to feel like they can't share their pregnancy or baby pics with me because I told them how heartbroken I am month after month when I don't end up pregnant... and when yet another friend shares their "happy news" how I struggle with being so happy for them but cry for us. I also don't want to come off as the "bitter friend" always lamenting about "why not us." Don't get me wrong, I am over the moon happy for all my friends who have been blessed with a little miracle, I really am. I love their little ones with all my heart and revel in sharing their joy with them but sometimes I'm just like..."when will it be our turn?"
I'm kind I annoyed with the amount of money and years I spent on birth control pills. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years. We're on cycle 18 - my cycles for the first 9 mos. off BCP were 38 - 41+ days. That was beyond frustrating because I wouldn't even ovulate until CD25 (cycle day). I've been an avid temper since the start (taking your temp first thing in the morning before you even really move to track your cycles) and the alarm has been going off at our house at 5am since February 2011. Thankfully my husband is a deep sleeper!
My OBGYN put me on Clomid for 3 mos... made my cycles a more normal 28-32 days but made me super hormonal! It's main purpose, I believe, is to help produce more follicles (which release the eggs). Prior to the meds we went through the barrage of IF testing. My hubs apparently has super sperm. His counts are off the charts. I, on the other hand, feel like damaged goods. After a very painful test called an HSG it was determined that one of my tubes is blocked. A surgery to explore and possibly repair the damage showed that the tube is unrepairable. I was crushed. After an unsuccessful 3mos of Clomid my OBGYN referred us to a Fertility Specialist (FS).
I was then laid off from my job.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that if its meant to be it will be (which makes this whole IF journey even more frustrating, but that's for a later post). To make a long story short I literally had a job interview lined up the week after I was laid off. I know how unbelievably lucky and blessed I am to have found my new job as quickly as I did. If I wasn't laid off I don't think I ever would have taken the leap to leave my prior company (there's that whole "everything happens for a reason" thing). I didn't realize how unhappy I was at my old job until I started my new job. So many positive things about this job compared to the other one but what pertains to this journey is that the medical insurance is phenomenal. Once again, I do know how incredibly lucky we are that my insurance covers so much. I waited until I was at my new job for at least 4 mos before going to see the FS. He is amazing. His staff is amazing. I certainly feel like we are in good hands. I know a few people who have gone through his program with success so I am optimistic about our chances.
The first month he had me try the Clomid again but this time he partnered it with an IUI- basically where my husband does his thing, they wash the sperm and then they insert it into my uterus with a catheter. Not very romantic but after this long lets face it, sex has become more of a chore than a sharing of our love ("ok I'm ovulating so we need to have sex tonight, tomorrow and maybe the day after that and maybe one more day for good measure..."). I have been heavily monitored while seeing the FS (blood tests and internal ultrasounds) and it had come to light that the Clomid thins the lining of my uterus a lot (a side effect of the meds- and the fertilized egg needs to be able to snuggle into a nice thick uterine lining). I wasn't monitored at all with my OBGYN so that's why we never knew. Still went ahead with the 1st IUI because the doc said even though my lining was thin there was still a possibility that I could get pregnant.
BFN (big fat negative). Sigh...
Next month he put me on Femera, which is a breast cancer drug that just so happens to have the same effect as Clomid does without thinning the lining. Went for my ultrasound and low and behold my lining was amazing and I had a nice big follie in my left side... which is the non tube side. Crap. Since the biggest follicle (the lead) is the only one that gets released (in most cases except for when there are more follies that are big where they could all be released and then there is a chance for multiples) and mine was on the side without the working tube the cycle was cancelled. There is the "thought" that the egg could somehow be sucked into the good tube but my doctor says that's a "fantasy." I was, again, crushed.
Onto month 3 - which is where I am now. Since the pills weren't effective he decided to put me on injectables. Gulp. That's right, I had to inject myself in the stomach for 8 days with a much stronger medication that forces both sides to produce follicles. There is a larger chance for multiples but since I only have one tube the chances for us is not as high. I was even more closely monitored and went in for blood work every other day. When they saw that I had a 17mm follie on my good side (yay!) I had to inject myself with an HCG trigger shot which forces ovulation. I then had IUI #2 two days later. The follie grows 2mm a day so by the time I had the procedure it was 21mm (which is optimal). My lining was also the best it has ever been (yay uterus!).
I had the procedure on 10/17, 3 days ago, and I have to wait 16 days before I can go in for a blood test to see if I'm pregnant. The dreaded TWW (two week wait).
So that's where I am now. The main reason for me starting this blog is because I feel like I don't have anyone (who understands) to talk to and sometimes I just need to get something off my chest. Literally all of my friends are pregnant or have babies (I'm not even exaggerating) and like I said above, I don't want to be seen as "Debbie Downer." My husband is amazing but honestly he is tired of hearing all about it. Of course he wants to have a baby but he is of the "it'll happen when it's meant to happen" camp. I feel that way too but now I'm more like, "when the f@*<% IS it going to happen already??"
I realize I just wrote a small novel so who knows if anyone actually will read all of this but hey, I feel better (which is kind of the point).
