Wednesday, November 13, 2013

What A WW Find!

I am going to try and do a post (my goal is weekly but that will depend on how busy I am) of a great Weight Watchers friendly item that I have found. As I’ve said before – any product that I write about are something that I use/have tried in real life and I am in no way compensated for it.

Nestle Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Coffee Creamer

YOU GUYS… this stuff… OMG.
The good news… ZERO Points Plus for 1tbsp! The other good news? Only 1 Points Plus for 2 and even 3 tablespoons! With my giant (decaf) coffee mugs, who I am fooling that I’m only using 1tbsp?

These are the only two flavors I have tried but seriously… they do not disappoint. I saw the Peppermint Mocha at the grocery store and what I have been doing recently is scanning the bar codes (with my WW app) of items that I think look really good that I am not too sure what a points disaster they may be. This way if they are way too many points to be worth it I say to myself, “now I know.” If the temptation ever arises in the future I can make a wise choice because I will know what I’m dealing with.

Anyway – these flavored coffee creamers always look so good and I have scanned them in the past and saw that they were sometimes 2 and even 3 points for 1 tablespoon! Not worth it. But the sugar-free version… let me check this out. Happy Day! Zero Points Plus for 1 tablespoon and 1 Points Plus for 3 tablespoons? Totally worth it. I have tried the regular version of the Italian Sweet Cream and I think they taste exactly the same. Granted, the ingredient list is filled with some not so desirable items (corn syrup being one, sigh) but I figure if I’m using it once a day (if that) it can’t be that bad? It definitely doesn’t make me feel like I am missing out on any of that delicious seasonal coffees (try looking up a Dunkin Pumpkin Latte or a Starbucks Peppermint Mocha… yowza).

Monday, November 11, 2013


So, like most companies in the U.S., my employer is rolling out a new medical insurance package for 2014 with two options (whereas we currently only have one). I looked at the new plans and under both plans the Infertility Coverage it says “Unlimited Lifetime Coverage.”

My heart did a giant sore of hope! Holy crap! Could this mean that we might be able to have another shot at IVF without having to take out a large bank loan? Could this be a sign that things are looking up for us?

We had an information session with our HR Department regarding the new coverage plans but I reached out to one of them via email because I certainly was not comfortable asking this kind of question in front of multiple colleagues.

“Good Morning –I have a question on the coverage options. I am going to go to the information session but I don’t feel comfortable asking it in front of the group. Is this going to be a completely new policy with a new group/policy number? We’ve exhausted the coverage for infertility and we were wondering if with the new insurance programs if we will then have the coverage again? ”

The woman who was assisting me in HR was great. It took two weeks because of some miscommunication/ information provided by the insurance broker (he said that we were covered for four rounds of IVF whereas the current plan said two- that turned out to be incorrect) but she just got back to me this morning… the gist of it is that even though it would be different plans it’s the same insurance company and the maximums follow the claimant… meaning we still do not have any more coverage.

So needless to say I am feeling very defeated this morning. I really allowed myself to have the hope that we would be able to start again and not have the added stress of the impending large loan that we would need to pay back. I hadn’t mention anything to my husband because I didn’t want to get his hopes up as well and if in fact if it did work out that we had more coverage I wanted it to be a surprise… I am very glad I hadn’t said anything to him. He is looking into the insurance coverage with his employer but it happens to be the same insurance company that my company has… so I’m wondering if it’s the whole “maximums follow the claimant” crappola again. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Also over the weekend I ran into a woman who I had babysat for about 8 years ago. I knew that they had adopted their son and we reconnected on Facebook a couple years ago but I didn’t know how to broach the topic of the adoption via Facebook. When we bumped into each other on Saturday I realized how silly that was because she’s just so sweet and I immediately felt comfortable talking to her again like we used to chat so long ago. She ended up sharing the name of the adoption lawyer they used and told me that they had paid $37,000 for their adoption… 8 years ago.

Gulp. That’s a lot of money and I’m not sure it’s 100% guaranteed that with after all the time, effort, and heartbreak we would walk away with a baby. My husband is a little jaded on the adoption process anyway because two of his coworkers (two separate couples) went through the adoption process and neither couple had a positive or good experience. For him that’s the last resort option that he isn’t ready to talk about yet (as much as I have tried to). I feel a tiny bit better that I at least have a person who I know ended up with a beautiful baby and the name of a lawyer so that if I had any questions I at least have a resource to ask.

I also decided that if the month of November turns out to be a bust that I am going to take a break from the acupuncture/chiropractor and CBE Fertility Monitor through the holidays. I just need a break. There’s no real getting away from thinking about it all since there are currently 6 pregnant women in my office, I have 3 very close pregnant friends and not to mention 4 acquaintances who are also expecting… I am clearly at the time in my life when people are expanding their families. I just wish it was as easy for us as it seems to be for everyone else.

I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I know that I am really blessed to have so many wonderful things, friends and most importantly my husband, family, and our health. But I just feel like there’s a hole. There’s a hole in my heart and no matter how positive I try to be I just can’t ignore it. Something is missing and as time goes by it becomes even more painfully clear… especially when we are literally the only ones of our friends without children. We got an invite to a close friend’s holiday party and its said “Bring your little ones and come and celebrate the season with good friends…” We are always the awkward couple standing there at gatherings with smiles pasted on our faces while everyone else is fussing with kids or babies. I sometimes feel like I don’t want to go places because I hate feeling so... broken. I feel like it’s me – I’m the reason why none of these extreme measures have worked and I blame myself when I know that no one else does. It’s hard and it’s painful and I just don’t know what more we can do.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

What a WW Find!

I am going to try and do a post (my goal is weekly but that will depend on how busy I am) of a great Weight Watchers friendly item that I have found. As I’ve said before – any product that I write about is something that I use/have tried in real life and I am in no way compensated for it.

Bolthouse Farms Thousand Island Yogurt Dressing

When we had my family over for the “Thanksgiving in October” my cousin brought the salad and a bunch of really great dressings…which she left at the house (score!). I have seen this particular item at the store before and couldn’t remember why I hadn’t bought it. I didn’t have my phone (with the handy dandy WW Scanner app) so I used the WW calculator that I keep in the kitchen… 1 Points Plus for 2 TBSP!

WHOA! I then decided I needed to go grab my phone and use the scanner app because I couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t bought this before… then I realized that the scanner app was showing 2pp for 2tbsp… but if you look closely, the nutritional information that is showing on the app is not what is on the back of the bottle.

Sneaky sneaky.

Clearly I liked this stuff because as you can see from the bottle it’s empty. Haha. This is delicious and really makes me feel like I’m eating the real deal and not the “light” option. I have also tried the Caesar Parmesan, also 1pp for 2tbsp although this also scans incorrectly. Those are the only two Bolthouse dressings I have tried but I look forward to trying more!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


I’ve gotta tell you, I’m kind of sick of being the “Infertility Go To Person.” No idea how all these people are finding out about it, it’s not like I post anything at all about it on Facebook. Some people I know do, which I do a major eye roll about, but that’s their prerogative. I’m too much of a private person, hence the anonymity on here.

I have another friend who has reached out to me about our experiences. I know I have said before that I don’t mind because I know I wish I had had someone to talk to when we were going through all this but right now, today, I am getting a little tired of it. I know that sounds horrible and honestly I really try and be a good friend but sometimes I just don’t want to think about all this anymore. I don’t want to talk about all the crap we’ve been through; the tests, the procedures, the blood work, the monitoring, the surgeries, the medications, the injections… all with a zero end result.

Today I am trying to block out my friend on my team, who recently announced she was pregnant, talk about how now that she’s in the second trimester she really needs to start to work out because she doesn’t want to get fat…. :/

Literally this morning I had looked in the mirror and talked to God about how I would be willing to have the worst pregnancy on earth, throw up every day, be nauseous all the time… if I just had a healthy, happy, 100% take home baby. I don’t care about the gender. I don’t care if there are two… I just want to be pregnant and have a healthy and happy baby(ies).

I feel like it’s a secret club that I more than anything want to join. I really wish I was able to share this experience with my best friend who sent me a pic from her ultrasound yesterday (22 wks 2 days). I have a feeling that when our friends announce at our holiday get together that their first IVF worked it’s going to be a mixture of complete joy and happiness for them and we’ll be getting the side-eye from people trying to see if we’re ok.

I don’t want that. I don’t want people feeling sorry for us. It’s uncomfortable and after this amount of time it’s embarrassing. I just don’t understand why this hasn’t worked for us but I have faith in God that I will get 100% take home baby pregnant… and soon… I just feel it. I’m on CD27 and I feel like I might be getting my period soon. I’m grumpy, I’m breaking out and my lower back is sore… it all just makes me so sad because it’s another month (and another $400 in acupuncture/chiro care) down the drain.

I’m not sure if I want to stop the acupuncture/chiro visits until after the holidays. Hubs and I said that we’d go back to the doctor at that point so maybe I’ll just wait. I don’t know…

I was hanging out with some girlfriends from college this weekend and one said me, “I don’t know if this is too personal and tell me to mind my own business if it is but do you ever feel like saying enough is enough and just give up?”

All. The. Time.

Then I think about how our life would be if we didn’t have children. Not that we wouldn’t have a wonderful life together, I have no doubt about that, but it would always feel like something was missing… as it does now.

My entire life all I’ve ever wanted was to be pregnant… have a baby… be a mom. No matter how exhausting it gets I’m just not ready to give up yet.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Thanksgiving in October

I am very blessed to have two great uncles who have both lived wonderful, amazing and very long lives. My Great Uncle S just celebrated his 100th birthday. He walks 3 blocks every day to the local YMCA to swim and play chess in a men’s club. He was a practicing physician until his 80’s and continues to take the medical boards every 3 years to “keep his mind active.”

My other Great Uncle is A who was like a second grandfather to me. His wife E was one of my grandmother’s sisters (my grandmother passed away when I was 3) and I spent a lot of time at their home growing up. E was lovely, elegant, cultured, smart, had impeccable taste, an amazing cook and a kindergarten teacher. She was who I wanted to be when I grew up. My grandmother’s 3 sisters’ all got dementia in their late 70’s/early 80’s. E was the last to be diagnosed (and pass away). It was heartbreaking to watch her decline and eventually become a shell of who she was. The one thing that never wavered during that time, or during their life together, was her and A’s love for each other. Their marriage was one for the record books. Theirs was a beautiful love story; no one ever doubted their devotion to one another. Even to this day, when A speaks about E, who passed away while we were on our honeymoon in 2010, he gets a lump in his throat and tears up. He says that he always had the last word, “Yes Dear.”

A’s 97th birthday was the week after S’s 100th and since S had a fancy party in the city I decided to host a “Thanksgiving in October” for A at our home. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Growing up we would go to one of my grandmother’s sister’s homes for the holiday – always with a lavish feast prepared and a day filled with family. Once the matriarchs started to get sick / pass away that all stopped. For whatever reason their children never took on the tradition- all of them with their own busy lives to lead (doctors, lawyers, teachers, nurses, business professionals). I always said that when I had a home of my own I would host family dinners for my mom’s side of the family like we used to have.

I have had them over many times but never for “Thanksgiving.” I usually host dinners in the spring, summer, and very early fall. We have a lot of steps leading into our home and A walks with a cane, my Godmother has bad Lyme’s Disease which makes it very hard for her to walk and my aunts both have bad knees… I really don’t want to tempt it with icy steps. But since the weather was starting to seem like a mild fall I decided to try my hand at preparing a feast that my Great Aunt E would have been proud of.

I turned to my trusty friend, Pinterest.

Since hubs cousin hosts Thanksgiving I have never made a turkey before. I found online that you should have at least 1 – 1 ½ pounds of turkey for each person. Since we had 10 people and my Auntie R doesn’t eat meat (only fish) I got a 13.4 pound turkey. It was fresh when I bought it but I froze it for a couple days and then defrosted it in the fridge for 3 days. Thankfully we have an extra fridge in the garage because that was a decent sized bird!

I found something on Pinterest called “Turkey How To.” I am not sure about the Pinterest rules and regs in regards to reposting a recipe on a blog (and besides I don’t know how to insert a clicky jumplink) so unfortunately I will not be giving you the exact recipe but I will give you what the pins are called and that way you can find them if you are so inclined.

Anyway – Turkey How To… my mom has always brined poultry when she was making a full bird (and sometimes, if she had the time, she’d also brine if she was doing parts). Brining is where you soak the meat prior to cooking. Equal parts sugar and/or salt are adding to cold water. The meat is put into a container and the salt/sugar solution is poured over it adding more cold water until the meat is covered. Then you let it sit for a while (depending on how large the piece of meat is). The idea behind brining is that it makes the meat moist (I really can’t stand that word but it's the only one that fits, lol) by hydrating the meat before cooking, allowing it to retain the moisture during the cooking process. I am sure that we all have experienced an over dry turkey. Not what I wanted to happen with my first bird. In the “Turkey How To” they had a lot of different brining recipes. I have only ever seen my mom use kosher salt and water to brine so I was intrigued.

I did a lot of the prep work the night before and of course my shopping during the course of the prior week. I had decided on the Orange-Tea-Bourbon Brine

(zest & juice of 2 oranges, 1 pint OJ, 2 c kosher salt, 1 c sugar, 12 black tea bags, 4 bay leaves, 12 peppercorns & 1c bourbon)

While it was simmering on the stove it smelled amazing. I wish I had started the process a lot earlier because it took a really long time to cool. I didn’t have a pot that was big enough so I went out and bought a 5 gallon bucket. Haha.

Prior to putting the turkey in the bucket I rinsed it in cold water and took out the neck and the giblets bag (saving that for making the gravy the next day- yes I went that crazy and made my own gravy, lol). Poured in the cooled orange-tea-bourbon mix and then covered it with cold water. I put the top on the bucket and put it in the extra fridge overnight.

E used to make a “Cranberry Compote” that no one can seem to find her recipe for. I have tried a couple different cranberry sauce recipes and haven’t found anything like it yet. I decided to give the Double Cranberry-Apple Sauce from (via Pinterest) a try. This was perfect because we have A LOT of apples from our trees that we still need to use. I also have this awesome peeler/slicer/corer that my mom got me that is anyone with an apple tree’s lifesaver. The recipe called for 6 large granny smith apples. Since our apples are not that big I used 8. We do not spray our trees so the apples don’t look at pretty as they do in the store but they taste just as good (even better I think).

There is a (sharp) three prong spike that you shove the apple on. Then you turn the handle and the apple is peeled, cored…

and spiral sliced just like that!! Such a huge help because that part is a pain. You also need to add a package of fresh cranberries, one small lemon thinly sliced (with the peel but without the seeds), sugar, water and dried cranberries. I was a little wary of the lemon but it really added something delicious to the dish and no one could tell what that “different” taste was (of course I told them). I think making it the night before and letting it sit overnight helped all the flavors meld.

The next thing I started on was the stuffing. I chose to make Paula Deen’s Apple Cranberry Stuffing. I first cut up the Hawaiian Sweet Rolls to toast in the oven

In the recipe comments people we a little wary of using the Hawaiian Sweet rolls but everyone agreed that they were delicious. My problem was I had never seen them in my local supermarket but was able to eventually find them near the deli.

This recipe also called for apples (woo hoo) so I was able to again use my handy dandy spiral peeler thing to make quick work of them. The recipe also called for: chicken broth, dried cranberries, butter, onion, bell pepper (I used yellow because I had one on hand), celery, eggs, salt, pepper, cream of celery soup, and cinnamon.

Although this was pretty good and there were very little leftovers I’m not sure if I would make it with this particular meal again. I had also made Grandma’s Sweet Potato Casserole (I made it the day of and didn’t get a chance to take any pics) and I think with that it was too many sweet dishes. Next time if I make that sweet potato casserole again (I’ll talk more about it below) I will make a more savory vs sweet stuffing.

That’s the end of the prep work I did the night before. It was all put in the extra fridge (along with an awesome chocolate mousse cake I got from a local bakery and the rest of my IF meds, lol) for the night.

The next morning wasn’t as stressful because I did a lot of prep work the night before. I started out the morning making Grandma’s Sweet Potato Casserole – another Pinterest find. Like I said, I don’t have any pictures of the process but there is a finished product in another picture. This was delicious and pretty easy since I used 2 large cans of yams (that I rinsed in a colander) and then 6 regular sweet potatoes (which I roasted in the oven- per the recipe directions). It also calls for brown sugar, eggs, butter, vanilla extract, flour and pecans. There was a streusel topping which was amazzzzzzzing. This was a hit with the whole crew.

I lucked out that both the stuffing and the sweet potatoes needed to be cooked at the same temperature (happy accident) so I waited to put them in until the end of the turkey cook time.

Now onto the bird…

I took the turkey out of the brine and, per the directions on the Turkey How To, I rinsed and patted it dry with paper towels. I decided to cook the turkey in this awesome electric roaster we have. This thing is a lifesaver when you’re making a big dinner because you can cook the meat in it and not have to worry about taking up precious oven space. I have made both ham (Easter) and prime rib roast (Christmas Eve) in it and they both came out perfectly. I again turned to my friend Pinterest, who never seems to let me down, and found a wonderful guide called “Perfect Turkey in an Electric Roaster Oven.” I turned up my roaster oven to as high as it could go (without the pan in it) put the top on and let it sit. I put the turkey in the roasting pan (on top of the rack) and I made a butter mixture that I found in the Turkey How To and I rubbed it under the skin and then all over it. I put it in the roaster (still on the highest temp) for 30 minutes then turned it down to 350 for 2 hours.

The trick is to not open the cover. I put a towel over it as well to keep some of the heat in and reminded my mother (twice) to not take off the lid to peek (haha). It’s different than with cooking it in the oven because it loses heat very quickly when the cover is taken off.

When the turkey went in I started on the gravy. I have never made gravy from scratch before and one of my aunts said that it tasted just like her grandmother used to make. It was pretty delicious if I do say so myself. I found the Classic Turkey Gravy on… you guessed it… Pinterest.

This is when I used the turkey neck (which looks disgusting) and the giblets (minus the liver). I also put in unsalted butter, onion, chicken broth, sprigs of fresh thyme, bay leaf. I let this simmer for 2 hours while the turkey cooked.

10 minutes before the turkey was done I put the sweet potatoes and stuffing in the oven. Once the turkey was done I took it out and let it sit on a cutting board with tin foil tented on it. Turkey (and really any large cut of meat) needs to rest in order to retain the juices. If you cut it right away then it won’t be as juicy. Unfortunately it was too crazy in the kitchen from this point forward for me to get a photo of the turkey but let me tell you it was beautiful. The skin was perfectly browned and it smelled delicious (my mouth is watering just thinking about it). My Auntie R – remember the one who doesn’t eat meat – said that it smelled so good that she had to taste it. Then she had two helpings at dinner. If that isn’t a testament to how good the turkey was I don’t know what is!

While that was resting I poured ½ of cup of the broth I had made (after straining it & saving the neck and giblets for making soup at a later date) to the roasting pan and used a wisk to gently swirl it around to get all of the brown bits off the bottom of the pan (sometimes scrapping with a wooden spoon to loosen them). I then poured everything from the pan into a degreasing cup.

Mine is called a Gravy Separator but it’s the same thing. This is basically a cup with a spout on each side and a strainer in the top (to catch all the bits). As you can see there is a piece infront of the spout that goes from the top of the cup almost to the bottom. As it settles in the cup you can see the fat separating and rising to the top. When you pour it the first bit that pours off is the fat.

I then made a roux (browning flour in the bottom of a sauce pan with some of the fat) then slowly added the rest of the broth. So easy, so delicious.

So here is the table with all the goods. From front to back: sweet potato casserole, stuffing, dinner rolls (that my Godmother brought), salad (that my cousin brought) and the cranberry apple sauce. There are also two gravy boats (although you can only see one). This meal was one of the best I’ve ever made. My side of the family doesn’t come up for any holidays (because they mainly live in New York and the traffic is atrocious) so I was very happy that I was able to make this Thanksgiving in October and they were so thrilled that we were finally able to share Thanksgiving after all these years. I think that my Great Aunt E would have been very proud of me.

Oh, and the chocolate mousse cake… phenomenal! Too bad I can’t take credit for that!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Lessons Learned

This morning I saw something on Pinterest that said:

“Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned.”

I thought to myself – I wonder what the lesson is that I need to learn with watching our friends get pregnant over and over again during our infertility journey?

This afternoon as I was walking into a meeting one of my co-workers was talking about how one of our teammates was not going to be in the meeting because she had to go home.
She wasn’t feeling well.
Morning sickness.
She’s 11 weeks pregnant.

I was a little taken aback because I hadn’t noticed anything but then I thought about it and realized she had been wearing really bulky blazers and loose dresses for a while now. She was also visiting the cafĂ© a lot more than normal. She just started working here in May – we had worked together at our prior employer and I really talked her up to get her a job here. I know that she and her husband have been trying for a second for over a year and she thought that because of the stress level at her last job that maybe that’s why she hadn’t conceived yet. I think that she is a super nice girl and honestly I am really happy for her.

Since I found out literally as I was walking into my meeting, I needed a minute alone to process. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. As soon as the stall door closed a couple tears escaped. I sat there and breathed deep and said to myself over and over, “It’s ok. It’s ok.” Then… it was ok.


It’s almost like a total sense of calm came over me. So another co-worker on my team is pregnant (one of my teammates just came back from her maternity leave in August and there is always at least one or two pregnant woman in my office at a time). Yeah, is it going to be super fun to watch her go through her pregnancy? I will be honest and say that I may have some sad moments. But I’ve done it before and I am sure I will do it again. If there is anyone who knows what a miracle and a blessing being pregnant is it’s me. I’ve had time to think about it and I think finding out my friend’s IVF worked on Saturday hit me as hard as it did because it was such a huge contrast to our experience.

Maybe the lesson that I need to learn here is that everyone goes through their own crap and just because someone has something that I desperately want, doesn’t mean that there isn’t something that they are going through as well.

Life is precious. Every day is a miracle. I can’t be wasting time being Sally Sad Sack because I’m not getting pregnant. Live life to the fullest and every day like it’s your last (is that a song?).

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

This is a test...

I believe I have mentioned this before… my husband has 4 really good guy friends that he has known since he was a little kid and I have become very close with their wives. Through the years we have also become very close with the sisters (and their spouses) of two of the guys. We really have so much fun together and I think it’s pretty neat (and rare) that there is this group of guys who have been lifelong friends. Anyway- out of the 7 couples (including us) there are 5 of us who have had to seek medical intervention for conception. That’s pretty crazy. We are the only couple (out of all 7) who doesn’t have any children. We also all live in different areas so none of us went to the same Infertility Clinic.

The W’s got pregnant both times with the help of Clomid. The G’s went through a long run of IF treatments and finally got pregnant with the help of an IUI with injectable meds. The L’s were actually taking a break to save for IVF (after doing many months with injectable meds and timed intercourse) and had got pregnant on their own! Mrs. L was told she would never be able to conceive naturally because of the level of her endometriosis (she has had many surgeries for it). Then blamo. Pregnant. They are why we believe getting pregnant after failed IF treatments can happen because they are living proof.

When the R’s were trying for their first child, Mrs. R was on Clomid for a year with timed intercourse without success. They then tried an IUI with injectable meds. It worked! That was 3 years ago. They started to try for their second child this past July. They did a couple rounds of IUI with injectable medication without success. They then moved onto IVF. We all know what each other have been through so since I was the only one with “IVF experience” she turned to me – which of course was totally ok, we’re friends and I was/am more than happy to be there for her. She did the Long Down Regulation Protocol, which is what I did for our second IVF, where she was on birth control for a few weeks, then Lupron, then she got her period and started Menopur & Follistem on Day 3… same thing as I did.

At her egg retrieval (ER) they retrieved 51 eggs. You read that correctly.
Fifty one. 5 1.
At 3 days post retrieval she had 36 Grade A Embryos. Again, you read that correctly.
Thirty Six. 3 6.
Grade A = Perfect.

Since her embryos were doing so well, they decided that they would wait and do the egg transfer (ET) on Day 5 -meaning 5 days since they retrieved her eggs and fertilized them (they are fertilized immediately). They only transferred 1 Grade A Embryo. I didn’t ask why they decided to only transfer one because that’s such a personal decision but I do know that they were concerned with having twins since they already had a toddler at home. They went on to freeze the other 35 embryos. They aren’t sure what they are going to do with them all so for now they are on ice.

She had her blood test on Thursday but I didn’t reach out to her because I figured she’d let me know what the outcome was when/if she was ready.

Saturday morning she texted me. She was pregnant.

I knew she was pregnant. I had this feeling the entire time that it was going to work for her and I was so excited and sending her good baby vibes so when I got her text I wasn’t surprised to learn that it had worked.

What I was surprised about was my reaction. I already knew in my heart that it had worked. I knew that they had gotten their second miracle so I’m not sure why her confirmation of what I had already known rocked me to the core. My knees buckled and I just started to sob. Hubs wasn’t home (he had brought the garbage to the dump – yay country living) so I was alone while I was a puddle on the dining room floor. Our sweet sweet dog lay down next to me and licked my face while I tried to get a hold of myself.

I did not compare our experience and the R’s experience while they were going through their cycle because I didn’t want to make myself crazy thinking about the “why’s” but at that moment I couldn’t stop myself.

51 Eggs Retrieved…
IVF #1 I had 18 eggs. IVF #2 I had 20.

36 out of 51 Eggs Fertilized…
IVF #1 I had 10 out of the 18 fertilized. IVF #2 I had 13 out of the 20 fertilized.

Day 5 Embryo Transfer of 1 Grade A Embryo…
IVF #1 all of our embryos died by Day 3. IVF#2 I had a Day 3 transfer of 2 Grade B Embryos.

35 Frozen Grade A Embryos…
IVF #1 we had nothing to transfer… nothing to freeze. IVF #2 out of the 13 eggs that were fertilized, only the 2 that were transferred back survived. The other 11 died - we had no embryos to freeze.

She’s pregnant after her 1st IVF.
I’m not pregnant after 2 failed IVFs.

I picked myself up off the floor and got in the shower, where I got all of the crying out of my system (it was a long shower). I needed to pull myself together because we were going into the city (NYC) for my great uncle’s 100th birthday party. I had to get a smile pasted on my face, put all this on the back burner and get over it. Hubs came home and I told him the news. He hugged me for a long time, stepped back, kissed me and said, “I am happy for them and I know you are too. This is going to happen for us. I know it.” That was all I needed to hear to pull myself out of the funk.

Life is funny. You think that you have crap that you’re going through, that it’s so unfair and then you learn about someone else’s struggles and you think to yourself, ok well maybe it’s not all so terrible. There was a very bad car accident near my office yesterday. An elderly couple turned in front of a minivan. The elderly gentleman is in critical condition and the elderly woman passed away. The driver of the minivan, a 28 year old woman who was 8 months pregnant, also passed away (along with her unborn child. She had her 3 other children in the back of the van. The oldest boy is in critical condition while the younger two, 4 and 6, were unharmed and saw watched their mom die.

One of my co-worker’s sister passed away unexpectedly over the weekend.
My friend’s neighbor had an emergency C-section yesterday and the baby didn’t survive.

Right now – I have SO MANY things that I am thankful for. SO MANY things that I know I should not take for granted because there are many people who would give anything for what we have… good jobs, roof over our heads, food on the table, a loving marriage, a wonderful family, amazing friends, our health, money in the bank, reliable cars… not one of those things should be taken for granted. Yes there are things that I / we do not have. Yes there are things that I have written about on this blog that we want more than anything. But at the end of the day we are lucky and rich in so many ways.

Life is precious and in a blink of an eye it can all change. Hold close that which you hold dear and never take for granted what it is here today will be here tomorrow.