Tuesday, April 30, 2013

And it begins.

First let me go over what a Down Regulation Protocol is.  Down Reg, or the long protocol, starts in the middle of one cycle and continues through the next.  You are generally started on a medication that will basically tell your pituitary gland to not produce the hormones that tell your follicles to release eggs.  It pretty much turns off your reproductive cycle so that the doctor has all the control with the stimulation medication that you start when the next cycle begins.

So here we are.  I have been so anxious to start the down reg IVF cycle that now that the time is finally here… I am (surprisingly) very relaxed about it.  I have been really working on trying to not be so stressed about this; I really feel that stress has such a huge impact on the body.  I started to get a tad stressed when all the meds for this cycle came a couple weeks ago.

Here they are – this is what $7,000 in Fertility Medication looks like.  Thank goodness for insurance or we would not be able to do this.

Doesn't look like much huh?  Here we have some antibiotics to start before and after the egg retrieval (I think), alcohol wipes, a lot of syringes with another bag full of different gauge needles, Lupron , Follistem (along with the Follistem pen to administer it), Menopur, HCG trigger shot and Progesterone in Oil (PIO).  Five different injections this cycle.  If that didn't cause a little stress then I clearly have been at this too long, lol.

I started the Lupron on Sunday night (please excuse the chipped bowl I use for my ice cube, lol).  Ice is the key folks.  Just hold it on the injection site for 25 seconds and I swear you don’t feel a thing.

This is the fourth cycle with injectable meds so I don’t have any jitters with giving myself injections anymore.  Kind of crazy that I’m used to jabbing myself in the stomach with a needle?  I’m not feeling any side effects but I currently have a cold so that could be masking it.  Some people say that they have major headaches and mood swings.  I've only given myself 2 injections so far and the only thing I have noticed is that I don’t have much tolerance for stupidity (haha) but I tend to be that way when not feeling well so like I said, it could be the cold.

In an attempt to try and relax and de-stress during the down reg I ordered a yoga dvd.  Sounds like it would be a simple task but- it was not.  There really are a lot of yoga dvd’s and I had a heck of a time choosing one.  I have taken a few yoga classes in the past but I still consider myself a beginner.  Then I started to think about how my ovaries are going to be ginormous and I needed to be careful about anything that would have me twisting too much… which had me start to think that I should look at prenatal yoga.  I had a really hard time doing that because I feel like it’s kind of “cart before the horse” and what if this doesn't work I am going to have this flippin dvd laying around…

I really hemmed and hawed over this for a few days.  I know that sounds a bit dramatic and over the top but I honestly was afraid to jinx myself.  There I said it.  Doesn't that sound silly?  Like a prenatal yoga dvd is going to change the cosmos and impact the results of the cycle- that all of the other things and the injections I am doing are going to be for nothing the second I click the “add to cart” button… I finally told myself to get over it and ordered the stupid thing.  Haha.  I mean, I want to have a relaxing yoga dvd and I want to be careful of my gigantic ovaries so it makes sense to get a prenatal dvd, right?  I seriously think I was making this harder than it needed to be.  (I tend to do that sometimes, if you haven't noticed - hey at least I'm honest with myself!

This is the one that I got – should be coming in the mail today.  Doesn't she look very relaxed?  Haha.  I’ll let you know how it is…

xo j.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Desparate times... things I'm doing differently this IVF Cycle

I may be swan diving jumping off the deep end... and I am starting to get nervous/excited for our upcoming (and more than likely last) IVF cycle.  I started looking into some natural things that I can do to help our chances.  I don't want to take any more supplements than I'm already taking (and the FS knows about them) because I don't want anything that can potentially interact with the prescribed fertility meds.  But there has to be something else that I can do...

Royal Jelly. Bee Pollen and Propolis
**Ok, does it need to be said that if you have a bee allergy this is not the stuff for you?
Pretty much it's the magic stuff that makes the Queen Bee produce all of those eggs.  There aren't any concrete medical studies that I was able to find but plenty (millions) of testimonials suggesting that that ingesting this really helps your quality and quantity of eggs.  Many acupuncturists recommend this to their patients and also a very popular infertility book, The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis, suggests this as one of the super foods to help beat infertility (I have not read this book so I do not know exactly what it says but many people referred to this book as the reason as to why they started taking it).  It also has many many other health benefits - just Google it!

Ideally you should start taking this at least 90 days before the desired cycle so I'm a little late to the party here.  But I did find quite a few people who said they started it not long before their ER (egg retrieval) and the Royal Jelly cycle vs prior cycles produced eggs that were noticeably better quality and more eggs than they ever had - even without changes in their medical protocol.  Most resulted in BFP's -big fat positives, as in positive pregnancy test- and those that didn't had other underlying conditions.  It's considered a food based supplement so there wouldn't be any interaction with any of the medications.  I've read that you take it only up until ER and you should not take it if you are pregnant or nursing.

You can take it in two forms - a capsule or fresh (jelly).  I got the fresh kind mixed with honey.  This came in the mail today (guess where I got it from... lol).  Many many reviewers said that this is what they took prior to their IVF/IUI cycles and credit this for helping them to achieve their BFP's)

It smells kind of like honey - but different.  It's very thick, like caramel.  It doesn't taste that bad.  You cannot mix it with anything hot so basically you just eat a teaspoon 2x a day (on an empty stomach).  You also do not put it in the refrigerator (although I read about some raw ones that can be found at some health food stores that need to be refrigerated).  I started it today... so we'll see!

Flax Seeds
Another thing that I read about are Flax Seeds.  They are really good for uterine health, balancing hormones and boosting fertility.  Well this is something that I already had started to eat almost daily (score), but will be bumping it up to 2 tablespoons a day (recommended for fertility). 
These seeds have been around since 3000BC but have started to really be seen in many products on the shelves in 2010 (that is the shelves not in the organic section and shelves outside of a health food store).  The health benefits of these little gems are astounding, Omega 3 essential fatty acids (the good fats that have been shown to have heart healthy benefits), Lignans and Fiber.

I have eaten a couple brands, this just happens to be the one I have right now.

I don't know the benefits of eating the whole seeds versus the ground- that's something I'll have to look into.  But for now I have the ground.  I don't recommend eating this plain, mix it in something like yogurt or oatmeal.  It adds a nutty flavor that I really like - I have added this to breads and muffins in the past... so many ways to get this into your diet.  But for the IVF purpose at hand - I will be eating it in my daily yogurt (usually a low fat Greek yogurt).

Raspberry Leaf Tea
Let me start by saying... this does not taste like raspberries.  At.  All.  Don't let the name fool you - it tastes like dirt.  LOL.  But I put a little honey it and it makes a world of difference.
This tea is something that some say to drink to help stimulate labor.  But drinking it while trying to get pregnant is said to help to tone the muscles of the pelvic region, including the uterus.  This tea is said to help improve uterine health where there is uterine weakness present- like for me having had the surgery to remove the septum (heart shaped uterus). This may also help to prevent miscarriage (when used when preparing for pregnancy).

This is the one that I am currently drinking.  You should drink at least 1 cup a day (some recommend 1-3) prior to ovulation.  It says that it's safe to drink during pregnancy as it helps to tone the uterus but I think I would be afraid to since if it helps to promote labor... wouldn't that mean it helps to start contractions?  I'll have to look into drinking this tea during pregnancy later on but for now I will stop once I take my HCG trigger shot (to make me ovulate).

Castor Oil Packs:
Ok, this might be where I am a little off my rocker jumping off the deep end (if I have not already).  A castor oil pack is a flannel cloth soaked in castor oil and applied to the lower abdomen which is thought to help circulation.  It is also thought to help ovarian, fallopian tube, uterine and egg health.

Castor oil packs stimulate 2 important parts of the body: lymphatic and circulatory systems.  The lymphatic system removes toxins and waste from the area stimulated by the castor oil pack.  Stimulation of the lymphatic system happen when you apply the castor oil pack externally over the reproductive system. This helps to cleanse the reproductive organs and promote healing of damaged tissues where the pack is applied.

The circulatory system consists of parts of the heart, blood, veins and arteries. It runs throughout the entire body.  The promotion of circulation by a castor oil pack will bring in fresh oxygenated, nutrient rich blood to the reproductive organs, including the uterus.  Hey - it's worth a try right?

This is what I have ordered (from my favorite online retailer).  How it works it you put the flannel cloth in a bowl and pour the castor oil over it - you don't want the flannel to be dripping but you want it to be saturated.  You lie down and place the cloth on your lower abdomen.  You then put a piece of plastic (like a cut up grocery bag) over the pack, then a heating pad.  The heat helps the castor oil do it's thang.  The castor oil will stain so make sure you have old clothes and an old towel under you.  Keep this on for 30-45 minutes.  After you remove it, clean the area with water/baking soda solution.  Store the pack in a covered bowl (or ziplock) in the fridge - one pack can be used 25-30 times.  This is also something you want to do up until ET (egg transfer).  After the transfer you don't want any sort of heat on the lower abdomen (no hot water bottles or heating pads).

So yeah.  This is what I'll be doing.  I'm also giving up caffeine and alcohol.  Yep - the entire cycle and a half will be caffeine and alcohol free.  I am mainly caffeine free already, except for the occasional half decaf/half regular or sometimes on the weekends the coffee just smells too good to resist a cup (the hubs drinks a lot of coffee).  But my wine... sigh.  That will be hard.  But once I get pregnant I'll be giving up both for a long time so no biggie, right?

**I am not a doctor or a health professional.  Also, any of the products that I talk about on here are things that I found through my own research and am not, in any way, compensated for using or talking about them**

xo j.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Gender Swaying Anyone?

Has anyone ever heard of “gender swaying?” I was doing an internet search on healthy foods to eat while TTC (trying to conceive) and came across a couple different forums where people were talking about eating foods for gender swaying.

What is Gender Swaying you ask? From what I read, gender swaying is “implementing changes in your lifestyle, diet and TTC methods to increase your odds of conceiving a certain gender.”

For. Real.

I am not here to judge anyone- I actually think it’s really interesting and although I’m not all that convinced that it works the science that people put behind it is really fascinating. It also seems to be a hot button topic on some boards that I have seen (once I became curious and started doing an internet search on it). Some people get very up in arms it- almost to the point of being offended that it’s even being suggested. To that I say, to each their own. If you don’t like it – then don’t do it. I’m just looking for a healthy and happy baby myself.

So, anyway, if I understand it correctly, you can change your diet to a more alkalized (boy) or acidic (girl) to conceive a certain gender. I’ve also seen where some people say eating a lot of dairy – cheese, milk, and yogurt – and processed foods helps in “swaying” towards a girl. Eating more potassium – bananas and potatoes – and adding salt “sway” towards a boy. There are a bunch of food lists out there. I also saw that some people swear by having sex at different times of the day and at different times in your cycle will also impact the gender sway… a couple sites even suggested the pattern of the moon! It seems that most agree it mainly has a lot to do with the pH of your vag. One woman swore by drinking a concoction of baking soda and water a couple times a day and then sticking a finger full of baking soda up the “love canal” prior to having sex and that was how she had all boys.


Once again, to each their own… but… no. There will be nothing that I use for baking cookies going up there.

I compared the two food lists and I pretty much eat a mainly a “boy” diet. I guess it’ll be interesting to see if our IVF is successful next month if we end up being blessed with a boy(s).

Friday, April 19, 2013

Work It Girl

**First, let me put in a little disclaimer that any product that I talk about on my blog I am not, in any way, compensated for.  I am just a suburban gal going through IVF who has a little blog hoping to help others with my experiences.
When I went through my first round of IVF I pretty much was a lump on a log.  They scared the crap out of me at the IVF informational seminar about being very careful with movement while on the stim meds.  Your ovaries get very big because of all of the follicles (where the eggs are) and there is a chance of them twisting (eek) if you do a lot of bouncy movement.  So no running/jogging, spinning, step aerobics… no running down the stairs… but you can walk. 
I was helping my mom go through some of her stuff (trying to consolidate and throw stuff away) and I found some old VHS tapes of Leslie Sansone and Florine Mark from 2000 called “In Home Walking.”

It got me thinking, this is something I can do during the IVF cycle.  So I brought it home and the next day got up an hour early to try them out.  Well… they’re hilarious.  I seriously think they did an SNL skit based off these tapes.  I was cracking up – the commentary is funny but then it’s almost awkward because you realize they are not trying to be funny.  But the walking itself was easy to do, you’re moving around and it’s a gradual workout – meaning you start off slow, pick up the pace and then go back down.  I will admit that my heart rate went up and I had a little sweat going on.  But I could not see myself doing these more than this one time (hey, at least I’m honest with myself!).
I then remembered that I had a friend years ago who lost a lot of weight with something called “Walk Off The Pounds.”  Low and behold… it’s my friend Leslie Sansone.  So I went onto Amazon and found some of her DVD’s (love love love Amazon, I have the Prime membership and if you’re an Amazon junkie like me, totally worth it).

These are the two that I bought.  Let me tell you, a vast improvement from the 2000 VHS!  I like them both for different reasons. 
The one on the bottom (Walk Away the Pounds, Ultimate Collection) came with a resistance band.  She incorporates it into the workouts, starting during the second mile.  It’s nice to have an arm workout in there.  As with the VHS tapes the people that are doing the workouts with her are ordinary people.  I am sure they are all actors but I mean there are people of all ages on there (young mother – grandmother).   Not model thin, not with every hair in place – they look like someone I might see at the grocery store.  Also, contrary to the misconception, you are not just marching in place.  My friend Danielle is convinced that it’s a DVD of just marching and won’t borrow it, haha.  It’s considered “low impact aerobics.”  It’s not complicated – I was a Zumba drop-out so if I can do this, anyone can!  I tried to take a couple Zumba classes, gave it the good ol’ college try, and was tripping over my own two feet and thanks to the large floor to ceiling mirrors; I could see that I looked like a complete moron while doing it.  Not sure how I look doing this but I’m in my own home so I don’t care!  It’s also something you can do in a limited amount of space, which I think is a plus.  The commentary is a little cheesy – not like the VHS tape but a little cheesy none the less.
The one on the top (Just Walk, Ultimate 5 Day Walk Plan) is the one I did this morning.  (I like to switch them up)  This one has a different group of exercises for each day of the week, for example:  Monday 2 mile walk with arm workout, Tuesday 3 mile walk with leg workout… I believe there is an ab workout, a total body stretch and something else…   Anyway, I really like this one because the moves are more like dancing – once again, Zumba drop out here so not that complicated to follow or really that advanced.  You don’t have to stick with segments either – for example today I did one day’s 3 mile walk and then another day’s arm workout.  What I do not like about this is that instead of everyday people there are 4 backup aerobics girls.  One of the girls particularly annoys me.  (Makes total sense that I’m annoyed by someone I don’t know in real life, right?  Of course it does.  Ha)  Carrie “the annoying one” does all these exaggerated movements and a lot of excessive nodding, always agreeing with everything that Leslie says.  LOL.  The commentary on this one is even more annoying so after I did the work out a couple times I now mute it and put on my own music. 
As much as the cheesy chit chat is annoying the workouts are good so it’s a good trade off.  Let me also say that I am not a work-out-aholic.  I was once-upon-a-time in very good shape, then I met my husband and wooed him with my fantastic cooking complete with cream sauces and full fat recipes… then got a job where I sit on my big butt all day in front of a computer… so now, not in the best of shape.  Hey, at least I’m honest about it!  So I feel like these workouts are better than nothing and something I can do in the comfort of my own home. 
I honestly think that I can modify them to be less bouncy and more “Giant Ovary” friendly but I’ll have to write that review when the time comes.  But I think this time around I am going to try and be a little more active than going the couch potato route – even if I’m gingerly marching-side-stepping-leg lifting-knee lifting in place.  J

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Winter Summer Clothes Shuffle - part deux

It was a mere 5 months ago that I was talking about the big change over from Summer / Winter clothes… how every time I go through this I think, “next time I do this I will definitely be pregnant and have maternity clothes in the mix…”
So much has happened in that time frame, so much heart break.  I am now getting ready to change over my clothes and once again the same thoughts are rolling around in my head… I feel like I’m just setting myself up for another let down.  I’m really trying to not put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended) with this upcoming IVF since it’s the last one our insurance covers.  I’m getting a little anxious and trying not to think about it but of course that’s easier said than done. 
I sat outside on my lunch today with M -she’s closing in on her final 4wks of pregnancy and can no longer walk on lunch because she gets out of breath and crampy.  While we were sitting there, 3 pregnant woman walked by and 2 of them I had not until that moment known were pregnant.  Ugh.  I just think I am having one of those days where everywhere I look there is another pregnant lady and I am just so envious…
I think I need to go home, sit on our deck with the hubster (and a big glass of wine) and relax…

Sunday, April 14, 2013

to my sister...

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my sister lives in Germany.  She's been in Europe for about 15 years and is married to a German man and they have beautiful little girl who is so darn cute.  I miss her terribly - it's hard to go through all this with her so far away (we're very close).  But she has her career (she's an opera singer) and her family / husbands family over there so I won't kid myself with the thought of her moving back to the U.S.  We talk on Skype when we can but with the 6 hour time difference we do a lot of communication over email.  I figured I would share part of my most recent email to her here...

As far as me... I'm ok because I have no other choice but to be ok.  I have to get out of bed, I have to go to work, I have to be present for the hubs.  Sometimes I forget that he is going through all this as well.  Sometimes I find myself on auto-pilot and I think that's ok because if I stop and completely think about what's going on and what can and cannot happen I will fall apart.  I am trying not to put all my eggs in one basket with our second round of IVF but unfortunately this is it.  We cannot afford to do it again.  I trust my doctor, he is a world renowned specialist and I can't afford to second guess him now.  Not only financially but for for my own mental health.  If I start to second guess him now I will lose it, haha.  I have to believe that this will work, I have to believe that God will bless us with a child.  I can't allow myself to believe otherwise even though sometimes I think I need to prepare myself for that just in case.  

We are officially starting our 2nd IVF and it's called a "Down Regulation" protocol and it is over the course of 2 cycles.  Tonight I start birth control- as crazy as that sounds.  My last 2 cycles were 23 days and then 45 days.  I believe the birth control is to get my cycle regular because on the 45 day cycle I didn't even ovulate (I had blood tests).  On April 28th I start an injectable medication called Lupron.  I'm not 100% sure what that does but I refuse to look it up on the internet because I believe the potential side effects and anything that it says it may cause will be scarier than not knowing.  Like I said, I have complete faith in my doctor.  He's been doing this for 30 years and his walls are covered with plaques and awards... anyway, I'm on the Lupron for 10-11 days, stopping whenever my period starts again.  Then I go in for the baseline ultrasound and blood work... that's when the big fun meds start, the ones that give me giant egg filled follicles and make my abdomen so distended I look, ironically, 4 months pregnant.  Haha.  I got all my meds in the mail on Friday - all $7,000 of them (which we only had to pay $20- thank goodness for insurance).  There is a lot of stuff, A LOT of stuff, that I am going to be injecting into my body.  In looking at all that I cannot believe that God will have us go through all this and not grant us this miracle.  

I have gained a lot of weight from all these hormones, that's something that has been terribly depressing but in the grand scheme of all this crappola that's on the back burner for now.  I have too much churning around in my brain to allow myself to ponder my fat ass anymore than I already do.  All I can do, for now, is eat as healthy as I can and exercise.  When June comes around and I know where I stand in this whole adventure (because by then I should know if it's a yes or a no) I can think about my big butt then.  

I know it's silly to say, "don't worry about me" because as my sissy of course you worry and I love you dearly for it.  I really wish you were here to hold my hand and to let me lean on you when I cry but you are here, in my heart.  I can hear you rooting for me from halfway around the globe.  I am, however, lucky to be blessed with the most amazing husband.  Honestly, not a day goes by that I do not thank my lucky stars for that man.  As crazy as all this has made me, I think I would be halfway to the loony bin if it wasn't for him.  He is what has been holding me together.  Yeah I have my bad days (which I think is to be expected) and he lets me be sad but he doesn't let me lose hope.  That's what I have to have - hope.

Friday, April 12, 2013

wrench in the plans

Well after 45 days and no ovulation dear Aunt Flow has decided to show her face.  Too bad that completely puts a wrench in the medication protocol that the doctor had wanted me on. 

How it was supposed to go is that I started Provera on Tuesday - take that for 10 days.  Then on Sunday 4/14 I would have started the Lupron injections for 10 - 11 days (still taking the Provera) until my period showed up.  Then I would go in for the baseline ultrasound and blood work... and then I don't know what meds I would have been starting next.

Wouldn't you know that AF decided to rear her ugly head on her own damn schedule?  This morning I went to the bathroom and was like, "what the what?!?"

The ironic thing is - now they are putting me on birth control.  Oh ok.  That makes sense... not.  But then again I am not the Fertility Specialist with a zillion awards and plaques on my wall... going to assume the man knows what he's doing, haha. 

No just kidding, I *think* it's to regulate my cycle since the last two were so wacky (23 days and then 45 days).  Then Lupron starts on 4/28 (overlapping the BCP).  After 10 days of Lupron AF should come again in all her glory and then I go in for the baseline...

Whew it’s all just the beginning…

The kicker is my cramps are so bad.  So. Bad.  Just to drive the point home of, "oh so you know for sure you are not pregnant."  Thanks so much!

I mentioned a while back that two couples in our circle of friends are both pregnant with their second child - and they got pregnant with their firsts after we started trying.  Once again, not bitter - so totally happy for them.  One thing for sure this journey has taught me is that every child is a miracle from God.  They were both, ironically, due on 4/10.  One couple had their little boy on Monday and I have been texting the other for the past couple days checking on her...

I know I just said that I wasn't bitter, and I really am not.  It's just something that I want so deeply - it almost feels like some secret club that I can't get a membership for.  I am of course being there and being supportive for my friends but then on the flip side I am so torn up inside because I desperately want to be pregnant and have a child(ren).

I just have to keep telling myself - it's not my turn yet but hopefully soon.

Please God.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Here we go again!

Good news is - the test results came back and everything looks great!  Hallelujah!  No real reason why we lost all 10 embryos but the good news is that it isn't something in our chromosomes or the hubs sperm that made it all go so terribly wrong.  The doctor is very confident that a different medication protocol is the way to go.  They nurse asked me when the first day of my last period was and I said... February 27th.

Yes you read that right that would make me CD42... yes I am still on the same cycle I posted about in the beginning of March when we went for our testing.  Of course I have already taken 3 pregnancy tests.  It is possible that a miracle could occur and I could actually get pregnant while waiting for the test results to come back... close friends of ours had that exact thing happen when they were getting their finances in order to start their first IVF. 

Blammo!  Pregnant!

But that was not the case for this uterus.  I went to get my blood drawn yesterday with a teeny tiny glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe...but no.  Actually I have not even ovulated yet.  Son-of-a-gun day 42 and haven't even ovulated yet. 

Gah.  Double Gah.

So, looking on the bright and shiny side, the nurse said that since I haven't ovulated yet and I am so far into this cycle we can start the IVF cycle.  Now.  Like, right now.

Hot Diggity Dog!

At least we don't have to wait.  I thought we were going to wait for me to get my period, and then wait until CD21 to start the Lupron.  But they started me on my first pill of Provera last night (to help me get my period).  I take that for 10 days but on day 6 (Sunday) I start the Lupron injections as well.  I do those every night until I get my period, more than likely 10-11 days after the first injection.  Then I go for blood work and ultrasound on CD2... I'm not sure yet which meds they are going to put me on but at one point but the nurse mentioned Menupur (probably spelt that wrong).  I was going to Google it to see what it was for but I think Googling any of these meds is a bad idea.  I know that the side effects are uber scary.  I am sure that one if not all can "cause cancer" (and seriously, what now a days doesn’t?).  I just can't deal with having that much information in my head. 

So here we go again friends... thank you so much for taking this journey with me.  Fingers, toes, and legs crossed that this is our miracle cycle and I will have a strong and sticky baby in my womb by June!

Also, thank you so much for your comments- it really means a lot to me to know that so many of you are rooting for us.  This is such an isolating thing and I sometimes forget that I am not alone.  There are so many women out there just like me going through this same thing... I pray we all get our miracles soon.

xo J.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

"engorged blood vessel"

Yep you read that correctly. 

"Engorged blood vessel more than likely from the hormone medications."

I just came from the dermatologist.  I have this bump that appeared out of no where behind my ear.  At first I thought it was a pimple and I scratched at it... and it bled like a son-of-a-gun for 45 minutes.  Then, because of it's location I would catch it every time I tucked my hair behind my ear and would have blood pouring down my neck in 2 seconds.  Pretty gross.  I was so scared it was cancer.  Once again I went from zero to worst case scenario in no time flat. 

I had so much anxiety this afternoon on the way to the doctor.  Seriously I never had panic attacks and all these episodes of anxiety before all this trying to get pregnant stuff.

I sat on the table and apprehensivly moved my hair so he could get a better look... I held my breath waiting for him to say something indicating bad news (lol what a wacko, haha).  He just said, oh that's an engorged blood vessel and you have another little one right below it.

Ok first, ew.
Second, awesome <---- can you hear the sarcasm?

He asked the basic questions: when did it appear, has it changed in size... are you pregnant?

Ahh no.  Not knocked up. 

Of course I told him how I was seeing Dr. B over and the Fertility Center and that had I first noticed the bump 3 mos ago when I started the stronger hormone medication.  He said, that's it.  It's more than likely due to all the extra hormones in my body since I have never had anything like this happen before.  It has gotten a lot smaller this past month when I wasn't on the meds. He said that if it gets bigger when I start the medications again (when ever that may be) to call and I'll have to come in to get it removed.  He said that if I get pregnant it would just get bigger and bigger because, once again, of all the extra hormones.

Also did you catch where he said, "...and there's another little one right below it."? 


More?  Seriously?  I could just start to get more of these gross, raised, dark red bumps?  AND not just behind my ears either folks, I could get them anywhere on my body.

This roller coaster ride of awesome-ness just gets better and better!  < insert sarcasm >

But of course it will all be worth it in the end if we get our miracle...