As far as me... I'm ok because I have no other choice but to be ok. I have to get out of bed, I have to go to work, I have to be present for the hubs. Sometimes I forget that he is going through all this as well. Sometimes I find myself on auto-pilot and I think that's ok because if I stop and completely think about what's going on and what can and cannot happen I will fall apart. I am trying not to put all my eggs in one basket with our second round of IVF but unfortunately this is it. We cannot afford to do it again. I trust my doctor, he is a world renowned specialist and I can't afford to second guess him now. Not only financially but for for my own mental health. If I start to second guess him now I will lose it, haha. I have to believe that this will work, I have to believe that God will bless us with a child. I can't allow myself to believe otherwise even though sometimes I think I need to prepare myself for that just in case.
We are officially starting our 2nd IVF and it's called a "Down Regulation" protocol and it is over the course of 2 cycles. Tonight I start birth control- as crazy as that sounds. My last 2 cycles were 23 days and then 45 days. I believe the birth control is to get my cycle regular because on the 45 day cycle I didn't even ovulate (I had blood tests). On April 28th I start an injectable medication called Lupron. I'm not 100% sure what that does but I refuse to look it up on the internet because I believe the potential side effects and anything that it says it may cause will be scarier than not knowing. Like I said, I have complete faith in my doctor. He's been doing this for 30 years and his walls are covered with plaques and awards... anyway, I'm on the Lupron for 10-11 days, stopping whenever my period starts again. Then I go in for the baseline ultrasound and blood work... that's when the big fun meds start, the ones that give me giant egg filled follicles and make my abdomen so distended I look, ironically, 4 months pregnant. Haha. I got all my meds in the mail on Friday - all $7,000 of them (which we only had to pay $20- thank goodness for insurance). There is a lot of stuff, A LOT of stuff, that I am going to be injecting into my body. In looking at all that I cannot believe that God will have us go through all this and not grant us this miracle.
I have gained a lot of weight from all these hormones, that's something that has been terribly depressing but in the grand scheme of all this crappola that's on the back burner for now. I have too much churning around in my brain to allow myself to ponder my fat ass anymore than I already do. All I can do, for now, is eat as healthy as I can and exercise. When June comes around and I know where I stand in this whole adventure (because by then I should know if it's a yes or a no) I can think about my big butt then.
I know it's silly to say, "don't worry about me" because as my sissy of course you worry and I love you dearly for it. I really wish you were here to hold my hand and to let me lean on you when I cry but you are here, in my heart. I can hear you rooting for me from halfway around the globe. I am, however, lucky to be blessed with the most amazing husband. Honestly, not a day goes by that I do not thank my lucky stars for that man. As crazy as all this has made me, I think I would be halfway to the loony bin if it wasn't for him. He is what has been holding me together. Yeah I have my bad days (which I think is to be expected) and he lets me be sad but he doesn't let me lose hope. That's what I have to have - hope.
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