Tired.

I’ve gotta tell you, I’m kind of sick of being the “Infertility Go To Person.” No idea how all these people are finding out about it, it’s not like I post anything at all about it on Facebook. Some people I know do, which I do a major eye roll about, but that’s their prerogative. I’m too much of a private person, hence the anonymity on here.

I have another friend who has reached out to me about our experiences. I know I have said before that I don’t mind because I know I wish I had had someone to talk to when we were going through all this but right now, today, I am getting a little tired of it. I know that sounds horrible and honestly I really try and be a good friend but sometimes I just don’t want to think about all this anymore. I don’t want to talk about all the crap we’ve been through; the tests, the procedures, the blood work, the monitoring, the surgeries, the medications, the injections… all with a zero end result.

Today I am trying to block out my friend on my team, who recently announced she was pregnant, talk about how now that she’s in the second trimester she really needs to start to work out because she doesn’t want to get fat…. :/

Literally this morning I had looked in the mirror and talked to God about how I would be willing to have the worst pregnancy on earth, throw up every day, be nauseous all the time… if I just had a healthy, happy, 100% take home baby. I don’t care about the gender. I don’t care if there are two… I just want to be pregnant and have a healthy and happy baby(ies).

I feel like it’s a secret club that I more than anything want to join. I really wish I was able to share this experience with my best friend who sent me a pic from her ultrasound yesterday (22 wks 2 days). I have a feeling that when our friends announce at our holiday get together that their first IVF worked it’s going to be a mixture of complete joy and happiness for them and we’ll be getting the side-eye from people trying to see if we’re ok.

I don’t want that. I don’t want people feeling sorry for us. It’s uncomfortable and after this amount of time it’s embarrassing. I just don’t understand why this hasn’t worked for us but I have faith in God that I will get 100% take home baby pregnant… and soon… I just feel it. I’m on CD27 and I feel like I might be getting my period soon. I’m grumpy, I’m breaking out and my lower back is sore… it all just makes me so sad because it’s another month (and another $400 in acupuncture/chiro care) down the drain.

I’m not sure if I want to stop the acupuncture/chiro visits until after the holidays. Hubs and I said that we’d go back to the doctor at that point so maybe I’ll just wait. I don’t know…

I was hanging out with some girlfriends from college this weekend and one said me, “I don’t know if this is too personal and tell me to mind my own business if it is but do you ever feel like saying enough is enough and just give up?”

All. The. Time.

Then I think about how our life would be if we didn’t have children. Not that we wouldn’t have a wonderful life together, I have no doubt about that, but it would always feel like something was missing… as it does now.

My entire life all I’ve ever wanted was to be pregnant… have a baby… be a mom. No matter how exhausting it gets I’m just not ready to give up yet.