Pretending Not to Care

In my quest to not obsess about all this infertility stuff I have transferred my obsession over to Weight Watchers and WW inspired blogs. Apparently I have a kind of obsessive personality and I need to focus on something (lol). It also doesn’t help that it’s been a little slow at work and where I would have normally checked out some of my favorite IF (infertility) blogs I have started to lean more towards WW / Healthy Life Style blogs. My “Reading List” up until a month ago on Blogger (the list of the blogs that I follow) was filled with blogs about women, just like me, who are struggling with infertility. I used to read them to get some hope, inspiration, commiserate, cry with, cheer on, and just plain follow their stories. I deleted some of the ones that haven’t updated anything in a while and have been filling it up with a lot of inspiring weight loss stories.

Since the miscarriage and our last IVF I have… I don’t know I just don’t want to read all the IF blogs. Isn’t that awful? I feel like that sounds awful. Here are all these woman (who apparently in my mind I think we’re real life friends) share their stories and I just don’t want to read them. I know that most part of it is that I’m jealous.

There. I said it.

I’m jealous that they get to continue on their IF journey and here we are with maxed out insurance. Once again, I know how seriously fortunate we are for having had any insurance at all. The only way we would have been able to do either of the IVF’s and maybe even the IUI’s with injectable meds was because of the insurance. I mean we are a typical regular young(ish) couple with good paying jobs (very blessed there) but we are certainly not “rolling” in an extra $20K. I don’t know many people who have that kind of extra cash. Of course we would get a loan for another IVF but I think I have such a hard time wrapping my brain around handing over a check for that much money with no guarantee. If they were to say – “hey pay us $xx,xxx and you’d get 100% take-home-baby pregnant” I’d be like, “where do I sign and do you take a cashier’s check?” There are no guarantees for any of this and to have to pay off a loan for another failed IVF… I just feel like that would be heartbreaking.

I have been thinking about it and I think that the next step I would like us to do is the IUI with donor sperm. Obviously I need to have a big talk with the hubs about it but something in the ball park of $1,000 is way more feasible than $15,000-$20,000 (depending on meds). I’ve had many dreams about us having two little boys who look a lot like hubster so using donor sperm is something that will be a hard pill to swallow. We talked about it briefly after our appointment with Dr. B in July. I was concerned with how hubs would feel about using donor sperm and not his stuff. He said – “it would still be our baby.” So, I mean, if he’s not concerned then I guess I shouldn’t be either. I don’t know if I would want to tell anyone that it’s donor sperm though (that is assuming that it would work). I believe that we would have to go through some counseling prior to the cycle with using donor sperm, which I think would be beneficial.

I’m both wanting to get this show on the road again and also apprehensive about starting all the infertility appointments back up. The every other day blood work, internal ultrasounds, the medications, the injections, the hormones, the swelling… I think that’s because it has all just seemed like a practice in torture instead of the path to our dream of becoming parents. We’ll have to definitely talk again about the options that the fertility doctor presented us with and when we want this “break” to end. I know that we are/were both hoping/praying that we would get pregnant on our own during this time away from the doctors but I guess I have to be realistic that not everyone gets that lucky.

I know that sounds totally negative and I’m being a little bit of a Debbie Downer. Having a tough day today. Two woman in my office have announced “whoops we totally we’re even trying” pregnancies this week. Let’s not even talk about the 23 year old who I used to work with who got “whoopsie” pregnant and has been posting pics of her pee stick and every craving she has had on Facebook/Instagram. Of course I’m happy for them but it always makes me a little sad for us too.

Ok rant/pity party over. I need to put all that out of my head and focus on us and the positives.
Here’s to believing that miracles do really happen.