I have a friend who I was pretty good close with in college. We lost touch and then ended up working at the same company for a little while and reconnected again, but then lost touch once more when I moved to another department. We would text each other every once in a while and kept in touch with each other’s lives via the magic of Facebook. We haven’t hung out in probably 3 years. She just texted me today asking which fertility clinic I go to and who my doctor is…
I seem to have become the go to person for infertility questions/advice. I have a couple people I know who reach out to me periodically to ask if I’ve taken a medication or if I’ve done a certain procedure (which 9 times out of 10 I usually have). I really don’t mind – I know that when I was going through all my stuff I would have loved to have had someone I trusted to ask questions or vent to. I know that my friends mean well but unless they knew firsthand what I’ve gone/going through I started to feel like I was just being whiney. Like I’ve said before, I don’t want to be defined by infertility. I don’t want to be seen as a sad sack who always has a sob story.
Anyway, my friend and I started chatting about what’s going on with her and she mentioned that she has a friend who has started the adoption process. I have been thinking about it – that’s kind of like the failsafe plan in the back of my mind that if (God Forbid) we don’t get pregnant then we could at least still become parents through adoption. I know there are so many children out there who need good homes but I have that whole vision in my head – you know, getting that positive pregnancy test, telling my husband, telling our families, telling the world! My belly getting bigger and feeling the life that we created growing inside me… I’m not even that scared of labor (although ask me again when the time comes). But you know what I’m talking about, the whole kit and caboodle. I see pregnant women and I just think they are so beautiful and I am completely in awe of their magical ability to be able to get pregnant and grow a person. I really want to be that beautiful magical pregnant woman someday.
But I know that if I can’t, there’s still hope of having our dream of being parents through adoption. Hubs, on the other hand, is a little hesitant because he works with two couples who have both gone through the adoption process and had a nightmare of an experience. He’s a bit jaded on the whole process and at this point doesn’t even want to have a real conversation about it. “That’s not something we need to talk about yet.” I love that he doesn’t want to give up on us having pregnancy achievement but it’s frustrating when I want to talk about our “what if” back up plan.
My friend asked her friend some questions for me; where she went through (an adoption center in New England), is it an open adoption (yes they seem to be the easiest and most common ones), did she need a lawyer (no it is all a part of the agency), domestic or international (domestic from anywhere in the continental U.S.), how long could it take (6-14 months), how old are they (38, older than us), how expensive ($12,000-$16,000 not cheap by any means but not as much as I was thinking)… her friend even offered her contact information so that I can talk to her. I thought that was so super nice and will absolutely take her up on that offer if we get to that point.
I’ve watched “Adoption Story” and “I’m Having Their Baby” and while that in no way makes me any sort of expert on the adoption process, I feel like I am not totally naïve to what can happen. The look in the prospective parent’s eyes when they talk about their struggles and how they are so thankful that this stranger is giving them this amazing gift… their faces when they go to the first ultrasound and they start to sob in each other’s arms at (finally) seeing THEIR baby on the monitor… I get emotional because I can really see me and hubster in them. The desperation and almost a sense of holding themselves a little back until they have those signed papers in their hands. But the most heartbreaking episodes are the ones where the birth mother decides to keep the baby. That, of course, is totally her right but it always makes me a little indignant and angry for the perspective parents because I feel I can relate so much to them, their struggle and their dream.
That right there is my fear. That we will go through the entire process, the application, the portfolio, waiting to be chosen by some woman who will be able to give us the ultimate gift that we cannot give ourselves… meeting that woman (and maybe her partner/family), connecting to her/them and the baby in her womb, hoping, praying, getting our home and lives set to welcome a baby into it… then blamo. No baby. Just rip my heart from my chest and stomp on it. Not to mention the expense. Do you get your money back if it falls through? Is there some sort of money back guarantee or customer satisfaction policy? I’d like to believe so… but I doubt it.
Every day I pray for a miracle. Every day I pray that even though all the medical interventions have failed that we will magically become pregnant on our own. That through the grace of God I will get 100%-take-home-baby pregnant. It has happened- it happened to one of our closest friend’s right before they were going to start the IVF process. The doctor said that there’s no reason why we can’t get pregnant on our own. Having one tube isn’t something that is considered a “reason” for not getting pregnant. They just don’t know why it hasn’t worked so far.
I think that’s the most frustrating thing of all.