Thursday, October 3, 2013

Fat Old Ladies & The Big D

Ok I I took my first Aqua Aerobics class 3 Wednesday nights ago. I LOVE it! I look forward to it all week, it’s SO MUCH fun! At my first class I was a little nervous to take my towel off but then I realized that all the ladies in the class, with the exception of the nice woman from my WW meeting, were all older grandma type women. One woman came up to me and was like, “are you new?” I said, “yes this is my first week.” She said, “you’re going to love it, it’s just a bunch of us fat old ladies.” I instantly loved her.

I can’t believe how fast the class goes by. Before I know it the 45 minutes are up. Whoa. Usually I’m sitting there staring at the clock counting down the minutes until the workout/class is over. This time I can’t believe it when we start the cool down stretching. Let me tell you, this isn’t some leisurely swim either. Yes you can modify it to be easier but if you do the exercises at the intensity that she’s showing it’s a real workout. Some of the ladies told me that they also take the Water Zumba on Monday nights so I am going to sign up for that one at the next session (they are 8 week sessions)… but I will have to wait and see where I am with the chiropractor at that point. It would be great if I was only seeing him once a week so I can fit in two water aerobics classes.

I was able to put on a pair of dress pants this morning that I have not been able to wear (comfortably and then not at all) in literally 8 months. I am so happy. I haven’t noticed a huge weight loss on the scale but I can tell that all my clothes are fitting differently (obviously since I can now wear pants that I haven’t been able to wear). I seriously think it’s the water aerobics and I’m excited to add another class to my week. I didn’t go to Weight Watchers last week because I had gone to the doctor that day for my physical (more on that below) and it turned out that the horrible allergies I was suffering from was actually a nasty sinus infection. I just went home and got in bed to rest up with some meds, box of tissues, oj, the DVR and my pup. A round of antibiotics later and I’m feeling pretty good. Still have mild sneezing/nose blowing but I know that’s my allergies.

My physical went well – he said I was really healthy (besides the extra weight but he knows I’m working on it). Then he asked how the baby stuff was going… and I lost it. He knows we went to the Fertility Doctor but didn’t know what has happened so I filled him in. His wife is an OBGYN at the practice that I go to so he’s sensitive to all that reproductive stuff. I also told him how sad I’ve been and how some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I know why I’m depressed – duh – it’s not like I need to go to a therapist to try and figure it out. I’m having a very hard time with all this… maxing out our insurance for the IF coverage and still not having our miracle, our friends who started trying for #1 when we started trying are now having baby #2, and my age- I can feel that damn biological clock ticking with my whole being. I also have guilt over the fact that we’re not pregnant and I feel like it’s my fault and that hubs isn’t a dad because of me (ok well maybe I need to see a therapist to work on that but I don’t really have the time – or the inclination).

He said he was really worried about my "mental health and wellbeing." He prescribed a very low dose of an antidepressant called Wellbutrin. I’ve only been on it for a week and I seriously feel like it’s helping. I got my period last night and I didn’t collapse in a puddle of sadness. Yeah it sucks that another cycle is down the drain but I was like – ok well bright side is that at least this cycle was only 30 days (versus the last one which was 46, yes I said forty six). I also was not a raging witch for the last few days (which is a sure sign that good ole Aunt Flow is on her way). He said that people who are trying to conceive generally do not take antidepressants but he feels like I need this and when (he didn’t say “if”) I get pregnant he’ll take me off of it or wean me off of it. I see him in another week for a follow up to see if we need to adjust the dose but I think it’s ok.

I’ve decided that I’m going to stop all the “I can’t because I might get pregnant” talk I have been doing in my head for the past 3 years- like going on the antidepressant. “I can’t do that because I might get pregnant really soon.” I bought myself some much needed new clothes yesterday (probably spent more than I should but whatevs) because I have been saying to myself for the past 3 years, well I might as well wait and spend the money on maternity clothes “because I might get pregnant soon.” I need to focus on me. I need to focus on getting myself in a better place, physically and mentally. I’m not ready to give up on getting pregnant but I need to stop holding myself back because there’s a chance “I might get pregnant really soon.” I need to get myself healthy so that I CAN get pregnant soon.

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