Defeated

So, like most companies in the U.S., my employer is rolling out a new medical insurance package for 2014 with two options (whereas we currently only have one). I looked at the new plans and under both plans the Infertility Coverage it says “Unlimited Lifetime Coverage.”

My heart did a giant sore of hope! Holy crap! Could this mean that we might be able to have another shot at IVF without having to take out a large bank loan? Could this be a sign that things are looking up for us?

We had an information session with our HR Department regarding the new coverage plans but I reached out to one of them via email because I certainly was not comfortable asking this kind of question in front of multiple colleagues.

“Good Morning –I have a question on the coverage options. I am going to go to the information session but I don’t feel comfortable asking it in front of the group. Is this going to be a completely new policy with a new group/policy number? We’ve exhausted the coverage for infertility and we were wondering if with the new insurance programs if we will then have the coverage again? ”

The woman who was assisting me in HR was great. It took two weeks because of some miscommunication/ information provided by the insurance broker (he said that we were covered for four rounds of IVF whereas the current plan said two- that turned out to be incorrect) but she just got back to me this morning… the gist of it is that even though it would be different plans it’s the same insurance company and the maximums follow the claimant… meaning we still do not have any more coverage.

So needless to say I am feeling very defeated this morning. I really allowed myself to have the hope that we would be able to start again and not have the added stress of the impending large loan that we would need to pay back. I hadn’t mention anything to my husband because I didn’t want to get his hopes up as well and if in fact if it did work out that we had more coverage I wanted it to be a surprise… I am very glad I hadn’t said anything to him. He is looking into the insurance coverage with his employer but it happens to be the same insurance company that my company has… so I’m wondering if it’s the whole “maximums follow the claimant” crappola again. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Also over the weekend I ran into a woman who I had babysat for about 8 years ago. I knew that they had adopted their son and we reconnected on Facebook a couple years ago but I didn’t know how to broach the topic of the adoption via Facebook. When we bumped into each other on Saturday I realized how silly that was because she’s just so sweet and I immediately felt comfortable talking to her again like we used to chat so long ago. She ended up sharing the name of the adoption lawyer they used and told me that they had paid $37,000 for their adoption… 8 years ago.

Gulp. That’s a lot of money and I’m not sure it’s 100% guaranteed that with after all the time, effort, and heartbreak we would walk away with a baby. My husband is a little jaded on the adoption process anyway because two of his coworkers (two separate couples) went through the adoption process and neither couple had a positive or good experience. For him that’s the last resort option that he isn’t ready to talk about yet (as much as I have tried to). I feel a tiny bit better that I at least have a person who I know ended up with a beautiful baby and the name of a lawyer so that if I had any questions I at least have a resource to ask.

I also decided that if the month of November turns out to be a bust that I am going to take a break from the acupuncture/chiropractor and CBE Fertility Monitor through the holidays. I just need a break. There’s no real getting away from thinking about it all since there are currently 6 pregnant women in my office, I have 3 very close pregnant friends and not to mention 4 acquaintances who are also expecting… I am clearly at the time in my life when people are expanding their families. I just wish it was as easy for us as it seems to be for everyone else.

I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I know that I am really blessed to have so many wonderful things, friends and most importantly my husband, family, and our health. But I just feel like there’s a hole. There’s a hole in my heart and no matter how positive I try to be I just can’t ignore it. Something is missing and as time goes by it becomes even more painfully clear… especially when we are literally the only ones of our friends without children. We got an invite to a close friend’s holiday party and its said “Bring your little ones and come and celebrate the season with good friends…” We are always the awkward couple standing there at gatherings with smiles pasted on our faces while everyone else is fussing with kids or babies. I sometimes feel like I don’t want to go places because I hate feeling so... broken. I feel like it’s me – I’m the reason why none of these extreme measures have worked and I blame myself when I know that no one else does. It’s hard and it’s painful and I just don’t know what more we can do.