Gutted.

I know that some of you have been waiting for this update… I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get this on here but I wanted to wait to get the final outcome, which we did yesterday.


Let me start from about a week ago- Saturday June 1st… I was 8dp3dt (8 days post 3 day transfer). I got up that morning and took a pregnancy test. I had one box left of Clear Blue Easy Digital tests, the ones that say “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant.” I wanted to be able to take a picture of that magic test when we finally saw the words “Pregnant.”

Right away a “Not Pregnant” came up.

Oh crap. I was devastated. I got back in bed and sobbed… the hubs had to leave to go and proctor the SAT’s so he wasn’t able to stay and comfort me for long. After a while I turned to my trusty friend Google…

Oh.

It was too early to test.

Hubs was so mad when I sent him a quick email, “whoops just saw online that it was too early to test!” He was like, “why do you do this to yourself? Please don’t take any more tests; you’re just making yourself so upset. That’s why they are having you come in next week!!”

Fast forward to Tuesday June 4th, 11dp3dt.

I went to the clinic for my blood test. I did not take a pregnancy test that morning. I sat at my desk in my office staring at my phone all day willing it to ring. Finally at 2:45 they called.

I got a positive test! I was pregnant!!

But…

My numbers were really low. Like only a 12 low. Yep. Twelve. They usually like to see at least a 50 but anything over 5 is considered pregnant. The nurse said she has seen a few cases where the patient comes back for their blood test again two days later and the number doubles (they would be looking for at least a 20 or higher). She said that one or both of the embryos could have implanted late and to be “cautiously optimistic.” But she also said that in most cases the numbers start to go down and it’s then what they call a chemical pregnancy.

A chemical pregnancy is when some of the cells of the embryo(s) start to produce the pregnancy hormone hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - which is what the blood test measures). The hCG levels will continue to double every 72 hours finally reaching its peak between 8-11 weeks of pregnancy where they level off at some where close to 300,000. They will slowly start to go down as the baby develops and at about 40 weeks gestation it could be around 117,000 (these numbers are just an approximation, I am sure there are many women out there who have had nothing close to this but this just to give you an idea).

I spent the rest of Tuesday and all of Wednesday praying. Praying my fanny off. Talking to the embryo(s) and telling it/they how much we want them, how much we have prayed for them… about the wonderful life it/they would have if it/they would just hang on and grow…

Thursday morning I woke up and had the brilliant idea to take another test.

Not Pregnant.

Ugh. That probably wasn’t the best idea. I was, once again devastated. The hubs had already left for work so I was alone in my grief. I sobbed in the shower. I just sat on the floor letting the water spray on my back and just let go. I then went back onto the trusty internet and saw that women who have IVF really should not take hpt’s (home pregnancy tests) because they only read very high hormone levels (especially the digital brand I had) and that they are very unreliable in these cases.

Oh.

Well.

Maybe there was still chance? Maybe there was a chance that we would get our miracle and later I’ll laugh about how silly I was with all my crying antics in the shower.

I went to get my blood test (14dp3dt), went to work with a little bit of doubt but was trying to be super hopeful. This could work. This could be it. I was currently pregnant. I was exhausted all the time, starving all the time and my breasts were “fuller” and killing me… they also looked like a road map with all the blue veins that seems to have come to the surface (a huge pregnancy sign). But it could also be from the hormones in the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) shots that hubs had been giving me in the upper butt area since the day after the retrieval.

At 1:50 my phone rang and my heart went into my throat. I thought it must be good news since it was so much earlier than the last time they called.

It wasn’t.

My number was now an 11. The nurse said that since it didn’t go up but instead started to go down that it was, in fact, a chemical pregnancy. I need to come in on Monday June 10th for another blood test to make sure my numbers were back down to negative. She said the doctor needed to meet with the rest of the team and that he will call to let me know the next steps.

I think I said, “thank you” and hung up the phone. I tried to start to get back to work, tried to tell myself that I had taken a test that morning so obviously I knew the outcome and this shouldn’t be such a surprise.

It then came apparent to me that I needed to go home. I needed to get the heck out of there and go home and just let myself grieve. I dashed a quick email to my boss and power walked to my jeep. I started hyper ventilating the second I closed the door. I took a few deep breaths and somehow was able to start the car and go. I kept whispering “Oh my God” and “I can’t believe that just happened” over and over again. I never turned on the radio, just sat there trying to calmly breathe and make it home. I finally pulled into our garage, shut off the car and as the garage door started to roll close I lost it. I screamed with everything I had in my heart. I beat the staring wheel. I cursed everyone and everything.

I just don’t understand why God put this intense desire in my heart to have a child/ren for my whole life and it just seems so unattainable. Why is this so hard? Why are we the couple that can’t conceive? What kind of crappy karma was I working with here? I started to cry harder when I thought about how unfair this all is to my husband. He would make such an amazing dad. I feel broken. I feel unwomanly. We have been going through this for 2 and a half years. Countless doctors’ appointments, medications, self-injections, surgeries, extremely invasive and intrusive procedures… and all I have to show for it is knack for giving myself an injection and 40 extra pounds. Yep that’s the ugly truth; I have gained 40 pounds since I started on all this fertility medication. I kept telling myself that it would all be worth it when I was finally pregnant but here we are at the end of what our insurance would cover and I was still not pregnant but I am the heaviest I have ever been.

At this point I don’t know what we’re going to do. The hubs and I had a long talk last night and we’re going to hear what the doctor has to say but maybe we’ll just take a break for a little while. I have this irrational fear that every day I’m getting older and that my time is running out but honestly I don’t know if I can jump right back into this again. This last IVF cycle was 2 ½ months and it was a long and terrifying journey. I know that if we end up doing this again I’ll be a little more at ease because I’ll know what to expect but at this point we don’t even know what, if any, insurance coverage we have left. I know that it won’t cover it 100% like it has been (and I know how lucky we have been for that) but I’m not sure if it will now cover anything and I’m not sure if we can even afford to pay for this out of pocket.

We’re going to have to take this one day at a time. Actually at this moment I’m going to have to take it one hour at a time. I am technically still pregnant until my numbers go down past 5. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

We were just soooo close this time.