Obsess much?

I know (I know I know) this is not healthy. I know (I know I know) that I am obsessing way too soon… I haven’t even started the stims meds yet (day 11 on Lupron so hopefully my period will show any day -like today would be a good day- then stims day 2).
But I cannot stop looking up pregnancy.


Twin pregnancy.
Twin Births.
Twin Nursing.
Twin Blogs.
…sigh.

I am telling myself that I am trying to calm my fears about the possibility of twins. I’m telling myself that I am thinking positive and preparing for what IS GOING to happen. I am telling myself I needn’t worry how I’ll feel if this doesn’t work this time because it IS GOING to work. I am trying not to think about what happened last time after our egg retrieval. I am trying to think about it ALL working. I’m trying to think about this miracle happening for us and this 29 month journey through heartbreak and infertility will be over soon because I will finally be pregnant.

Happy.
Healthy.
Pregnant for the long haul.
Beautiful, happy, healthy baby(ies) growing in my womb.

I think about all the people I know who just had to go off the pill and then try a couple times (and a handful only had to wait one or two months) and they were pregnant like that I can’t imagine what that must feel like. I look at my sister in law who has 2 beautiful little girls and literally I feel like her husband just had to sneeze on her for her to get pregnant twice.

How does that feel?

How does it feel to just decide to have a baby, to have a beautiful miracle, and it just happens? To just be like, “let’s have a baby!” and a few months, even a year later, it just happens? To not have to go to a revolving door of doctor’s appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds… pills, self-injections (never ending self-injections), swollen and bruised stomachs, invasive procedures, everyone and their medical assistant having had a seat in front of your va-jay-jay, surgeries, month after heartbreaking month (year after heartbreaking year) of getting those negative tests…

I have to believe that this will be our turn. This will be the time when we will get our miracle.

Please, God.
Please.