I've had kind of a tough week. But let me back up a little bit...
7 weeks ago my best friend (since we were 4) told me she was 6 wks pregnant with her second!! She literally told me after she peed on the (3) sticks. She had told her husband (obvi), her mom then me. I felt so honored that she told me even before she went to the doctor. Her simple answer was, "you're my best friend, I need you." She announced on Facebook at 12wks with a super cute pic of her 3 yr old daughter hold the ultrasound pics up high with a "Soon To Be Big Sister" shirt on. It was adorable. She has PCOS and was always told how it was going to be hard for her to get pregnant. Well first month trying... blammo. Pregnant with her daughter (who was born 2 days before our wedding). Her doctor said how it was a fluke and to not expect it to happen again... and wham! Pregnant the 1st month when trying to have the second. I'm so happy for them, they are amazing parents and have really great families.
She got her 12 wk tests back and there was a high marker for Downs Syndrome. She just had more extensive tests last week and has to wait another week for the results and see if she'll need an amnio. I'm asking you all to pray for her, the baby and her family. No matter what this baby will be loved immensely but just praying everything is ok.
On Tuesday I found out that my other close friend is also pregnant with her second child. She is actually due a week after my BFF. This one is a little more bitter sweet because we went off the pill at the same time and were excited to be pregnant together... well she's another one who got pregnant the first month with her son. It took them 6 months to get pregnant with the second, which it still pretty quickly. I didn't think it was going to impact me as much as it has. I think because we both planned to start TTC at the same EXACT time and here she is pregnant with her second miracle and we're still without ours... it's a hard pill to swallow. But... I haven't let anyone know how upset I really am. I finally called my mom and told her today but she's the only one I've really let know how deep this hurts. My husband doesn't even know. I just don't want to be the person who always has a sob story, "oh poor infertile J." The sad sack. No, I can't do that. I was in a really good place with this whole journey before I found out about my friend on Tuesday and I just went into a downward spiral of depression. I paste a happy smile on my face and laugh at all the right jokes (and tell all the right jokes) but when I'm alone I let myself cry. Pathetic. I cry in the car, in the shower... like I said, pathetic. I just need to get myself back to that positive place again. My husband knows something's wrong but I think he's waiting for me to say something. I just don't want this whole infertility thing to consume our relationship. I don't want this to define us as a couple and so far I don't think it has.
So yeah... also, here I am CD43. Yep you read that right... Cycle Day 43. The first day of my last period was July 19th. I have taken 2 tests (one on CD36 and one today) and both negative. No miracle for us this month but I was kind of expecting that... but of course when you pee on that stick you're still holding out hope that it just *might* be positive. I've been seeing the chiropractor/acupuncturist 2x a week since CD14. He is so super nice and his staff is really great. His office is closed next week for vacation and he said when he comes back he wants to try something new. I'm not sure if I screwed my cycle up because I was drinking that FertilitTea, it's screwed up from the fertility meds, or just plain screwed up. I'm also concerned that I didn't ovulate this cycle because I've consistently had a lot of CM (sorry TMI). Today is the first day I've had what I call the "irrational seeing red anger" for no real good reason so I think that AF is on the way. I'm hoping so because I'm looking forward to starting a new cycle with the acupuncture. I will not be drinking that tea this time and we'll see how it goes...
Hi there.....just wanted to write and let you know I'm still following your blog and this entry saddens me. Infertility totally hurts. And like your friend, even the joys of pregnancy can turn into fear. It doesn't stop at the BFP. Last week, I also learned of some very sad news regarding my cousin. She and her husband had twins via IVF and then out of the blue was pregnant again naturally a year and a half later. Now, they have learned that their new baby has a rare fast growing malignant brain cancer and will inevitable die from the disease. Along with your story, it has all taught me what it means to be a parent, that the journey of parenthood begins the moment you venture down the road to having a baby. It's a really scary road. And you have been so strong all along. Hoping and praying that your friend and you will see better days soon. =)
ReplyDeleteHi Ann! I am so glad that you posted, I've been thinking about you! How have you been? Have you done your transfer?
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your cousin. Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. I will keep them and you in our prayers. Keep me posted as to your journey.
Take care! xo
Hey hon! Hope you're doing ok. I hope 'the witch' turned up. How's the acupuncture going? Some people rave about it and I have considered it myself. Hope all went well with your friends tests. c
ReplyDeleteHi Pussycat! Yes - after 46 days she came waltzing in and it was the worst it's been in a long time. I usually only have cramps for the first day but I had them for 4 days. Ugh. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteStill going to acupuncture and praying for a miracle! How have you been? I've been thinking about you and sending all kinds of prayers your way! I'll have to go over to the "other place" and send an email there :)
Hope all is well!