Saturday, February 23, 2013

Coke or Pepsi? Red Sox or Yanks? Fertile or Infertile?

I have a good friend at work who is now 30 weeks pregnant.  We were at my old job together and we happened to start at my new company within a week of each other about a year ago.  She's a little younger than I am but we were at each other's weddings in the same summer almost 3 years ago so I broached the topic of "trying to conceive" with her and I got a, "yeah that's not going so well."

We were friends before but the subject of infertility brought us closer.  It's a hard subject to bring up unless you know the person; it's not something you work into a conversation like you would, say, a favorite sports team or beverage.  We had already gone through all of the IF testing that her and her husband started to go through so we compared a lot of notes.

- your basic pap smear
blood work at specific times through out your cycle to check your hormone levels (FSH, Estadiol, progesterone, inhibin B, Prolactin, Free T3, Testosterone, DHEAS, Androstenedione)
- internal ultrasounds at differnet times during your cycle to measure the thickness of your cervical lining, monitor follicle (where the egg grows) development, confirmation that ovulation has occurred (showing the once full follicle is now deflated).
- HCG  (Hysterosalpingogram) where they inject dye into your uterus and tubes (which was extremely painful for me because that's when they found that one of my tubes was blocked - later surgery (Hysteroscopy) revealed that it had never developed)
- semen analysis for the hubs
- post coital exam, just when you thought sex with your partner couldn't get more weirder than on demand love making when your cycle demands it... now you have to have sex and then go to the doctor an hour later so that they can check out how his swimmers are doing wading through your cervical mucus.
- a genetic test where you had to fill up a test tube with spit and send it off next day air to some research lab in who knows where to find out if you have any sort of predisposition for genetic diseases in your genes.  It was probably one of the more disgusting things I've done - filling up a test tube with spit is a lot harder than one would think.
- Laparascopy (which I recently had and my friend did not need) when they go in with a fiber optic camera and a laser and remove any abnormalities - in my case my uterus was shaped like a heart and he removed the septum to make it the normal triangle.  The shape of the uterus impacts the lining thickness which impacts embryos ability to implant into the uterine wall.  Certainly seemed to work because my lining before was never better than a 5 - 6.5 and this last cycle (the one after the lap) it was an amazing 8.5!  8 is optimal so I was very happy... unfortunately the IVF cycle was canceled before any embryos could test it out :(

We went to different OBGYN's but they both referred us to the same Fertility Medical Center last spring.  We had different doctors there but we were on kind of the same path.  We both we're given the same basic plan (probably because we have the same insurance).  3 IUI's then if that doesn't work then 2 IVF's.  The IUI #1 on the clomid for me showed to thin my already thin lining (one of the side effects of the medication).  They tried me on a different medication for the second cycle, which was when my friend started her 1st IUI cycle.  That one for me was canceled because the one lead follicle was on the non tube side.  So we both had a bust on IUI #1 and started our IUI #2 cycles 4 days apart.  She was still on the clomid because that didn't affect her lining and I was put on injectable medication.  IUI#2 was a negative for me.  Pregnancy achieved for my friend.

Let me say, once again, that I am very happy for all of my friends who are pregnant or who have had babies while we have been on this journey... that would be 12 friends, 2 of whom are pregnant for the 2nd time with their 2nd babies.  If it's one thing that this has taught me it's that every baby is a precious gift from God.  Some people are blessed with these miracles a little easier than others and some people have to go to great lengths to achieve these blessings.  God's plan isn't for us to know or judge.  Believe me I have had many a conversation with God over the past 2+ years.

I'm going to be honest, watching my friend go through this pregnancy has been a little difficult.  Never ever ever have I let her know that.  Absolutly not.  I keep all my feelings and emotions in check when I'm around her because I would never want someone to feel bad that they got that golden ticket and I have yet to win my chocolate bar (a little Charlie and the Chocolate Factory humor).  I know that she has kept things from me because she's a good friend and knowing her she doesn't want it to seem like she's flaunting her pregnancy.  But I ask about how her appointments are, maternity clothes shopping, about the nursry, the baby shower... selfishly I'm fascinated by it all and also want to be a supportive friend.  Now that she's 30 weeks she's going to start going to the doctor every two weeks.  I realized she's due in another 2 and half months.  Her baby shower is next month...

A small part of me thinks, if only it worked for me too I would be on this same path.  But this isn't the path I was meant to travel on just yet.  We all have a different journey that we're meant to take and for what ever reason it is taking me a lot longer to get to the goal of becoming pregnant.  My best friend told me the other day that she has no doubt in her mind that I'm going to become pregnant - she can see us at my babyshower and I'm in a pretty sundress... God I hope she's right because sometimes I honestly have my doubts.

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