The New Math

It's Tuesday.  The day after we found out none of our embryos survived. 

I should be getting ready to go to work but I was awake all night.  I can't turn my brain off but at least I've stopped crying (for now).  I had planned to have this day off because if we had the egg transfer I would have been on bed rest.  I had emailed my boss yesterday briefly letting her know what had happened (she's in the loop because of all the appointments I've had) and that I would be at work on Tuesday.  Last night while I was silently crying, tossing and turning and trying to stop the clock so I could get at least [8 hours...5 hours...3 hours] of sleep I realized that I now had 5 extra days off since I now won't be having a baby in 2013.

My eyes snapped open.  Talk about cold water on my face.  That had me reviewing the math that I had been doing in my head since this cycle started...

If this had worked... day one would have been Feb 4th- the first day of my last period... that means we could have told people at 12 weeks in May, possibly Mother's Day (aww how perfect!) then we could have found out the gender at 5 months in July - maybe my siblings would still have been here visiting?... the baby would be born beginning of December (if full term) and that means he (because in my mind our baby is always a he) would be here for Christmas and would be almost exactly 2 years younger than my friend's son, you know my friend who we planned our weddings together and went off the pill at the same time and had hoped to have our pregnancies together but she got pregnant the first month...

Oh.  I didn't really think about all that. 
The new math:

I'm going to be 35 in a month.  There is no longer a strong possibility I will be pregnant by my 35th birthday.  Depending on what the doctor says next week, if there is some sort of magical medication protocol that will solve all our embryo dying issues, we would potentially start IVF#2 not with my next cycle (beginning of March) but the one after that which would be April. 

April to May, May to June, June to July... July that would be 3 months when we could tell people.  Ok.  2 months later... September, that would be 5 months when we would find out the gender... 5 months later (since you're really pregnant for 10 mos) would be the due date... February.

It's February now.  That would mean one more whole year.

I have no words. 

Yeah, I'm definitely taking today off.  I need a day to wrap my brain around all this and pull myself together to start the next steps... what ever those steps may be...

**to clarify the 5 extra days... when you go out on maternity leave at my company (and maybe at all companies, not sure) you have to use 5 of your vacation days for the first week of FML (Family Medical Leave).