Monday, February 18, 2013

my worst nightmare.

I woke up to the phone at 9:38 on Monday morning (President's Day so no work but the clinic is open).  It wasn't the nurse as it should have been.  It was our 2 year old niece who just wanted to tell me she loved me (I'm currently her favorite aunt which is the best thing ever).  Her little voice on the phone saying, "I lub you Auntie J" was a beautiful way to wake up.  I told my sister in law I would let her know when we heard from the nurse and hung up.

Hmm.  9:45 and still no call.  They said they'd call by 9:30... I hardly slept on Saturday night or last night because I was so excited.  The least they could do is to call on time...

9:50.  Phone rings.  It's the doctor.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news..."

I wasn't prepared for this.  I wasn't even aware that this was a possibility.  I can't breath.  I have to still be asleep, this has to be a nightmare...this cannot be happening.

None of our embryos survived.  We had 10 and now we have none.  They stopped developing on Sunday morning and by Sunday evening they started to die.

They started to die.  Our 10 chances at a shot at happiness gone.  This has to be a nightmare, this can't really be happening... 

I need to listen, I need to pay attention to what he is saying...

"...it may be your eggs, we do not know why this has happened.  This may be the reason why you have not been able to get pregnant before..."

"...the other specialists and I are going to meet next week to discuss your case.  Maybe a change in medication protocol.  How many more tries does your insurance cover?"

One.

Just one more chance.  Just one more chance to make my biggest wish come true.  Just once more chance to be able to feel something that is part of me and part of my husband growing inside me.  Just one more chance to be the thing that I have always wanted to be... pregnant with a healthy baby.

We laid in bed holding each other while I sobbed for a couple hours.  I felt like my heart was breaking.  My husband finally got up saying he was going to make me breakfast but I couldn't move.  I didn't know how to get out of bed.  I didn't know what to do next.  Everything "next" prior to that phone call had to do with me possibly having a baby growing in my womb within the next few days.  I didn't know what to do now that that isn't happening.  I don't know what to do now that that isn't happening.

I laid there with the covers over my head peeking through the little gap where light (and air) gets in.  I keep saying over and over... this can't be happening, this can't be real, this has to be a nightmare... I try and make myself think of all the positive things in my life... my amazing husband, our home, our pets, our jobs, our health, our family, our friends... trying to put this into perspective.  I'm not doing a very good job.

"Please get out of bed honey, please?"

I have to remember that this isn't just about me.  He is hurting too.  These were his potential chances too...

I put my feet on the floor.

5 comments:

  1. Wow...you are so strong...I don't think I would have gotten out of bed that day. I really hope they get to the bottom of everything and you get some golden eggs next time. My doctor has his patients do a fertility diet, take CoQ10, Vitamin D and a prenatal before and during IVF. I don't know if they have you do that but I've heard it helps. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I hope next time is so much better.
    XO,
    Ashliegh
    (StandInTheRain/PrayersinaPetriDish)

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    1. Thank you so much Ashleigh- your blog has also been wonderful to read. I pray that this journey has a happy ending for us both soon! xo

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  3. I found your blog while I was googling this very topic. This post brought me to tears and while I never comment and only read on any posts I stubble across, I just had to write you. That pain you feel resonates so much with me and fear is gripping me as I read this. I just failed another IUI (my 3rd) and will be moving on to just one more before trying IVF. I just don't know what I would do if the IVF fails. And someone, I fear it will since there is no other explaination why these IUI's have not worked. I would utter the same words as you and die inside. I hope that in the end, this all works out for you because it means hope for others. I will following you and pray for you.

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  4. Thank you so much for your kind words. This is such a hard and isolating experience and part of the reason why I am writing all this all is so that other people going through this can see that we aren't alone. Unfortunately this happens to more people than any of us know- infertility is seen as a bad word and its a shame that no one really talks about it out loud. I'm sorry you are going through this- praying for you as well and hopefully we all get our miracles soon - xo

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